Just Bella
by abulia
Summary: Bella's known Edward her entire life. He's her Bad Boy best friend. She's just Little Miss Perfect. But as they enter high school, Edward starts to change. Will Bella's feelings change with him? AU/AH ExB
1. Prologue

**AN: First of all, I know you hate to hear warnings about M-ratings, but I feel it needs to be done. Not sure where this story may eventually go but preliminary warnings in place for: **

_**Sexual content (LEMONS), cursing, underage drinking, drug use, violence, cutting, rape, and mental health issues.**_

**Not all (or really, none) of these are portrayed in this chapter but they will most likely arise in the future. This starts with fluff, but it will get rather angsty. I understand that characters, as I am portraying them, are very young, but based on my personal experience, they are not too young to act and deal with the repercussions of their actions as I have them do.**

**That being said, I hope you read and enjoy. This is my first published fanfic in nearly a decade, and I am eager to see what you think,**

**DISCLAIMER: All recognizable characters and plot lines belong to Stephenie Meyer & co. I just like to play with them.**

**PROLOGUE:**

I hated summer. It's a weird thing for a kid to say, but it was true. For most of my friends, summer meant no school, just sun, fun, and friends. For me, summer meant Forks. And Forks meant no sun (it was always raining), no fun (there was nothing to do), and no friends. I mean, there was Edward Cullen, but he was definitely not my friend.

Edward was just this weird kid I was forced to hang out with because his parents, Carlisle and Esme, were friends with my dad. He had a funny-colored bowl cut, ears too big for his head, and a voice too deep for his tiny body. He was annoying. He was rambunctious. He was always insisting I play games with him when I'd rather be reading my Babysitter's Club books, and the games he insisted on playing were dumb.

If he'd agreed to play Little Mermaid with me it wouldn't have been so bad, but no, he wanted to play some stupid thing about vampires and werewolves. And he always insisted on being the vampire, which meant I had to be the wolf. And there's nothing nice or pretty about pretending to be an overgrown dog. I tried to convince him to play vampires and mermaids once, as a compromise, but he wouldn't hear of it. Something about their "habitats" being "incompatible for interaction." Yeah, he was a total science geek too. He wanted to be an ecologist, whatever that meant.

So anyway, my summers basically stunk, what with nothing to do but stare at the rain or play with _him._ I tried convincing Renee to let me stay in Phoenix with my friends, but she always bit her lip and said it would hurt Charlie's feelings. And then I would bite my lip because, no matter how much I hated summer, I loved my dad.

Charlie was so cool. He was a police officer and drove a real police car and let me play with the sirens. He taught me how to fish and he always fried up whatever I caught for dinner, even if it was a little too small. Fried fish was my favorite food in the whole world, and it always tasted so much better when you caught it yourself.

One time, he took Edward fishing with us, but we didn't catch anything. The boy couldn't

sit still for five minutes. He kept reeling in his line even though his bobber hadn't moved an inch and then he would recast it with a _plunk_ that scared all the fish away. The other men, Charlie's friends Billy and Harry, gave up and called it a day before it was even lunchtime. I was mad and I refused to play his dumb vampire game when we got home so he knew it.

The next time we went out, without Edward, Billy and Harry complimented me on my patience and said their boys, Jacob and Seth, couldn't sit still either and I felt kinda special that I could. They said I got it from my dad, which was obvious because Renee was worse than Edward if that's possible. She couldn't even live in the same house for more than two years at a time, she was so restless. But when they said it, I could tell that Charlie was proud and I didn't really mind summer so much right then.

So every summer, I flew up to Washington, by myself, and the flight attendants tried to be so nice to me like I was scared and hadn't been doing this my whole life. And every summer, I lost myself in my books to try and pretend I wasn't really stuck in Forks and, when that didn't work, I played stupid games with stupid Edward. And every summer, I went fishing with Charlie and it wasn't quite so bad.

When I was ten though, Renee married Phil. I was a "Junior Bridesmaid" in the wedding, something I think Renee just made up, and I got to wear a really pretty, really expensive white dress, even though everyone knows only the bride gets to wear white. And I walked down the isle behind all the other bridesmaids, last except for my mom, who looked like a Disney princess in her gown. And the crinoline beneath my skirt itched and my tights were all twisted and the shoes pinched my feet, but I felt really special like when I went fishing with Dad. And Mom was so happy, so I was so happy.

Phil was really nice. He was almost like a big brother. He taught me how to play catch and how to bat because he was a baseball player, which was cool, but not as cool as a police officer. He even cooked dinner sometimes, which Renee never did, and we'd all sit down together and eat at the table rather than on TV trays.

There was one time, when he and Renee were first dating, when we got into an argument because he didn't like the top I secretly bought in the Juniors department that showed my whole belly button but Renee said I was allowed to express myself and I explained that I was Posh Spice (because Jackie was blond and got to be Baby and Tiffany was Ginger because she had red hair and Sanya was Scary because she was Pakistani and dark even though she wasn't black and Brittney didn't care who she was but I wasn't athletic enough to be Sporty) and then it was okay so long as I only wore it when we were pretending in the house.

So things were different but it was still alright because Phil was cool and my tenth year went by pretty quick. It was May and all my friends were getting restless for summer and I was starting to dread it when everything changed.

Phil got signed to a team new team. In Florida. And we were moving.

At first, Florida sounded pretty neat. I mean, Florida meant beaches and palm trees and I'd finally get to go to Disney World and meet Ariel even though I knew by that point she wasn't real. But still. I was sad to leave Jackie and Tiffany and Sanya and Brittney behind. I'd moved houses before, and we even lived in California when I was really little, but this was different. It was totally new. It was on the other side of the whole country and I wouldn't know anyone. But I tried not to think about that and just be happy because Phil was happy so Renee was happy so I was happy.

I was scheduled to fly to Forks the weekend after school let out. Renee and Phil were going to finish packing things up and move to our new house in Jacksonville while I was in Washington. And then, at the end of the summer, I was going to board a plane with unnecessarily sympathetic flight attendants and fly longer than I'd ever flown before to a place I'd never seen. And it would be home.

That was the plan.

Then I met Alice Brandon.


	2. Chapter One

**AN: Thanks for the story alerts and favs for the prologue, guys! And special thanks to my reviewer, Lyxa!**

**Here's the first actual chapter. These first few chapters about their middle school years are going to go by pretty fast, but then the story starts to slow down in high school. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Chapter One**

I'd been in Forks three days and I already needed to visit a bookstore. I'd finished the whole Chronicles of Narnia series the night before and I'd finally slept for the first time since I'd been in town. My first two nights I stayed up with the flashlight that Charlie didn't know I hid under my pillow to keep reading. I couldn't help it. Narnia was just so much cooler than Forks and I didn't want to leave, even for sleep.

So I was pretty tired and dangerously close to passing out in my bowl of Reese's cereal and drowning. Charlie always stocked up on Reese's cereal when I came to visit because when I was seven it was all I would eat. I kinda hated it now, but I loved that Charlie still bought it, so I ate it anyway.

Charlie had left to go on patrol before I was even awake, which wasn't surprising since I hadn't gotten up until noon to make up for my Narnia-induced sleep deprivation. I lifted the spoon to my mouth, hoping the sugar would wake me up, and was contemplating reheating the stale coffee still in the pot when the doorbell rang.

For a moment, I wondered where the weird sound came from. When my brain finally caught up with my ears, I leapt off the stool at the kitchen counter and raced for the door. I wasn't expecting anyone. The Cullen's weren't coming over until the weekend, so I wouldn't have to put up with Edward until then, and Harry and Billy never came by unless their was fish involved. I opened the door, expecting to see the UPS man or someone equally mundane.

Needless to say, I was shocked. Standing in my doorway was a girl even tinier and skinnier than I was. She was dressed head to toe in black. Black tank top, black pleated mini-skirt, black knee-high boots. Even her hair was a black, chin-length bob. The only color she displayed was a vibrant red streak dyed into her hair, kewpie lips painted to match, and bright blue eyes.

"Hi, I'm Alice. You're Bella. Can I come in?" her ringing, chipper voice was at odds with her somber dress, but before I'd even had a chance to process her words, she was pushing past me and making her way to the kitchen, still talking.

"I moved in next door last year. Charlie told me you'd be visiting this summer, so I decided to stop in and say hi. Oh! Are those Reese's? I love Reese's."

She hopped up on the stool I'd been occupying before her interruption and brought my spoon to her mouth, daintily swallowing a mouthful without touching her lipstick.

"Um, yeah, help yourself," I said. I was being sarcastic, but she didn't seem to notice, munching away at my breakfast while I poured another bowl.

"You're from Phoenix, right?" she asked between bites.

"Sort of," I said. "I lived there but I'm moving to Florida at the end of the summer."

"I love Disney World!" she said. It was the same response I'd had when Renee told me of the move, but it annoyed me for some reason. I'd discovered that Disney was over two hours from Jacksonville, where I was moving. But I decided I couldn't say that to the strange girl. It wouldn't be polite.

"I've never been." I shrugged.

"Oh, it's awesome. You have to go to Magic Kingdom. I mean, I know it's for little kids but Space Mountain makes up for everything. It's fucking awesome."

I nearly dropped the gallon of milk I was pouring into my new bowl of cereal. I'd never heard someone my age curse like that before. Alice caught it and laughed.

"Sorry! I have a filthy mouth. Mom says it's not ladylike, but whatever, right? I'm expressing myself."

"Renee would probably applaud you, then," I said. "She's all about 'expressing yourself.'"

"Who's Renee?"

"My mom," I said.

"That's so cool!" Alice squealed. "Your mom doesn't mind cursing and she lets you call her by her name? My mom would never let me do that."

I shrugged. I mean, I knew Renee would probably get over it quickly if I started cussing. And she'd never minded me calling her Renee. That just sort of happened. Whenever I talked to Charlie, he'd refer to her by her name. Whenever I talked to her, she always called him Charlie. I guess I'd just picked up the habit from them. I'd never really thought about it before.

"She is pretty cool," I admitted. I knew that much because my friends were always quick to point it out when Renee let us do things like stay up past midnight watching movies or eat ice cream for breakfast. I'd never really known otherwise, so I didn't really see why it was a big deal.

"It must be tough, going from such a cool mom to staying with your Dad. I mean, the Chief is awesome, don't get me wrong, but he can be a little square. He totally told me I looked better before I dyed my hair, which is obviously so not true," Alice said. I laughed thinking about how Charlie, or even Phil, would react if I dyed my hair a primary color.

"Charlie's cool in his own way," I said. "But yeah, I doubt he gets the goth look."

I bit my lip as soon as the words were out of my mouth, afraid I'd offended her. I mean, it was obvious Alice was too cheerful to be 'gothic' or whatever, even if she did look like she was planning a burglary. Thankfully, she just laughed.

And laughed. Like what I said was the funniest thing on earth. As the tinkling sound continued, I felt myself smiling and before I knew it, I was cracking up right along with her.

"I can just see his face," she said, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I should deck you out in fishnets and leather. He would die!"

And now I was laughing for real, also picturing the look on Charlie's face. Suddenly, Alice straightened up, looking serious.

"Let's do it," she said.

"What?" I had no idea what she meant.

"My mom's going to Port Angeles tomorrow anyway. I'm sure she'd drop us off at the mall. Let's go shopping and get you all gothed up!"

"I don't know," I said, feeling wary. "It's not really my style."

Alice checked me out, head to toe, taking in my comfy, baggy jeans and oversized sweatshirt. I immediately felt underdressed.

"Obviously," she said, but it didn't come out sounding harsh. "That's why it's going to be so awesome. Please?"

I looked at her pouting red lips and thought of Charlie's reaction to his quiet, responsible daughter in fishnets. I could feel the grin spreading over my face.

"Fine," I said with a huff, though I was secretly excited. I mean, it couldn't be worse than my Spice Girls phase. Right?

* * *

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said for probably the hundredth time. The day before, I'd gone to 'PA,' as Alice called it, and spent my allowance in Hot Topic. Honestly, I would never have gone in the store before. Even the mannequins intimidated me, not to mention the cute, scary, tattooed guys that worked the register. But Alice had dragged me in without a second thought and then shoved me into the dressing room with an armload of clothes.

When I told her I didn't have enough money to cover it all, she smiled mischievously and sent me to check out with the black-and-red striped, off-the-shoulder tee and black mini skirt. It wasn't until she'd started dressing me this morning that I realized she'd shoplifted the fishnet hose.

"ALICE!" I screamed. "You can't steal! My dad is the Chief of Police! What were you thinking?"

Alice just laughed that tinkling, bell laugh and patted my arm. "God, Bella. Live a little!"

So here I was, standing outside of my own house, dressed in stolen merchandise and scandalous clothes I'd never have dreamed of wearing, trying to summon the courage to open my own damn door.

Yes, I said damn. Internally. Alice was already rubbing off on me. A little.

Alice rolled her heavily mascara-ed lashed (I'd refused any sort of make up) and pushed in ahead of me.

"Hey Chief!" she called out, "What's cookin'?"

I immediately laughed at her way of greeting Charlie. Turns out, they got along great. It was almost like he'd taken in Alice as a surrogate daughter, though I think it had more to do with his concern over her parents' lack of discipline than filling in my gap. I didn't mind.

"In here, girls," I heard Charlie call from the living room. Alice strode in proudly and I followed before I had a chance to think about it. As soon as I got there, I wished I'd thought harder.

Esme and Carlisle Cullen were sitting on the couch. I'd forgotten they were coming over today, even though Charlie had told me as soon as I got in. Edward was standing awkwardly next to them, across from where Charlie sat in his favorite armchair.

I forgot about the Cullens as soon as I saw Charlie's face. It was better than I'd imagined. You know those cartoons where the character's eyes shoot out a foot from their heads? Yeah. That was Charlie.

Once he'd regained his composure, slightly, Charlie spoke up. "Bella, _what_ are you wearing?"

I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, though my blush betrayed me.

"I told you, Alice and I went shopping yesterday. She dressed me up."

There was an awkward pause. Carlisle looked about the same as Charlie, like someone had missed a bone when cleaning the fish and it had gotten stuck in his throat. Esme was trying not to giggle and failing despite the hand clamped over her mouth. Finally, I glanced at Edward.

He had gotten taller since I'd last seen him, a good couple inches over me. He wasn't wearing his usual L.L. Bean attire but instead had on a pair of jeans and a baseball jersey. His hair had been cut shorter and spiked up from a widow's peak I didn't know was hidden under his bowl cut. The gel made his hair slightly darker than normal. But it was still funny colored. And his ears were still a bit too big.

But most importantly? His chin was practically touching the floor. He was gaping at Alice and me. And I suddenly felt more confident.

"Well?" I asked Charlie, spinning in a circle. "What do you think?"

He swallowed and shook his head. "Just don't dye your hair any strange colors, Bells. Renee would have my head."

I cocked an eyebrow at him, because we both knew that Renee would probably love it if I imitated Alice's hairstyle, but I didn't say anything.

"Why don't you kids run outside while we catch up?" Esme suggested, though there was a twinkle in her eye. I could tell Alice was eyeing Edward head-to-toe, as she'd done to me the first day, and he shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"Sure!" I said in my best chipper Alice imitation. I linked arms with her and then Edward and dragged them both out the back door. I didn't know why, but I suddenly didn't want him to feel uncomfortable.

As soon as the door closed, Alice cracked up.

"Did- you see- his face?" she asked between gasps for air. Pretty soon, Edward and I followed suit, laughing along with her.

"So I take it this isn't the new Bella?" Edward asked.

"God, no," I said. "But seriously, did you see Charlie?"

We all cracked up again. When we finally calmed down, I felt it was time for introductions.

"Alice," I said, "this is Edward.. We've known each other since we were infants. Edward, this is Alice. She lives next door."

"I'm Bella's new best friend," Alice said, sticking her hand out to him. I'd never thought of it that way, having only known her for two days, but before I had a chance, Edward took her hand and kissed her knuckles.

"A pleasure," he murmured.

I shouldn't have been surprised. It was exactly the kind of thing he would do if we were playing vampires. But we weren't playing now and he didn't let go of her hand too quick and she smiled at him weird and I felt strangely uncomfortable.

"So!" I said, trying to override the sudden churning in my stomach. "What do you guys want to do?"

They both looked startled, as if they'd forgotten I was there. But then Edward smiled at me and bounced on the balls of his feet and he suddenly looked like he always did.

"Do you girls know anything about baseball?" he asked.

---

"Good morning, sunshine!" Alice's perky voice shouted into my ear, jolting me into consciousness.

"Snickerdoodles! Alice, you scared the crud outta me," I said, sitting up and placing a hand over my racing heart. I heard a low chuckle come from the doorway of my bedroom and looked up to see Edward smirking at me.

"Snickerdoodles, Swan? Crud?"

"Oh shut up," I told him.

"No, no, no, Swan. You play baseball way too well to say something as lame as 'snickerdoodles.' Repeat after me. Shit." He waited expectantly, but I just blushed and shook my head.

"Oh come on, Bella. Say it. Shit!" Alice practically shouted.

"Shit," I whispered, blushing harder. They both started laughing.

"I could barely even hear you! You can do better than that," Edward goaded.

"Shit!" I said loudly and huffed. "Happy now?"

"Yes," he said, grinning cheekily and coming to sit across from me and Alice on the bed. He was wearing khaki cargo shorts today, and for some reason, I noticed the hair on his legs. It looked strangely grown up on his skinny calves. And it was funny-colored.

"You know, Swan, you could have warned me that you were such a good player. I would have picked you for my team if I'd known you'd grown out of your klutz stage."

I rolled my eyes. I'd been picked last for the baseball game we played the night before with some of Edward's friends. He'd been shocked when I actually knew how to play. He'd been even more shocked when I was good at it.

"Edward, my step-dad plays for the minor leagues. You should have guessed I'd be at least a little competent. Even though I am a klutz. Still."

"Whatever, you were awesome Bella," Alice said. "Those boys didn't know what hit them. Though next time, maybe we won't put you in a skirt."

"You think?" I asked sarcastically. "What are you guys doing here anyway?"

"Well, obviously, we're hanging out. Now get your ass out of bed and let's get you dressed," Alice said, going into my closet.

I hesitated. The baggy shirt I slept in came down to my knees, but it had bunched up around my waist during the night and I was only wearing underwear underneath. I slid my legs off the side of the bed and quickly pulled the shirt down before standing, but Edward got an eyeful of my thighs anyway. Mainly because he was looking for them.

I glanced over at him and blushed when he winked at me. When had he gotten so cocky? I mean, he was still pretty weird but he had this new confidence. I hadn't thought much about it until I saw him with the other guys last night. He'd goofed off like always, but everyone seemed to think it was funny. He had a way of being the center of attention that I'd never noticed before, since it was always just the two of us. I would have been embarrassed if everyone paid attention to me that way, but Edward seemed to thrive on it.

"Here," Alice said, shoving jeans and a tank top into my hands. I normally would have worn something over the tank because it was a bit revealing, but it was surprisingly warm in Forks, so I didn't complain.

"Okay, get out, Edward. I have to get changed."

"Do I have to?" he asked with a pout. I blushed again and glared at him.

"Out!"

He shrugged and headed out into the hall, closing the door behind him. Alice giggled.

"He so likes you," she said.

"What? No he doesn't! He's just Edward," I said, shocked.

"Yeah, okay," Alice said knowingly. "Is there anymore Reese's?"

"It's in the pantry. Help yourself."

Alice bounced out of my room, leaving me to get dressed in peace. When I got downstairs, they were both seated at the kitchen counter eating cereal.

"So what's the plan for the day?" I asked. Alice and Edward looked at each other and shrugged.

"Movie?" Alice suggested. "I just bought Fight Club. Oh! We could make it a marathon. Se7en, Thema and Louise. Brad Pitt all day!"

"No Thema and Louise. Please," Edward said. "What about Meet Joe Black?"

"Perfect!" Alice said. "But Fight Club first, because it's fucking awesome."

"What's it about?" I asked. Edward and Alice looked at me like I had three heads.

"You've never seen Fight Club?" Edward asked in a low, serious voice. I shook my head.

"This is a tragedy!" Alice squealed. "My house, now. We must remedy this."

I ran into the living room to tell Charlie where I was going and then we walked to Alice's house next door. She handed me the DVD cover so I could read the synopsis while she set up the surround sound on her expensive entertainment center.

"It's rated R?" I asked.

"Obviously," Edward snorted.

"I've never seen an R-rated movie," I confessed. Again, I got the three-heads look from both of them. Again, I blushed.

"You are so innocent!" Edward exclaimed. "I mean, I knew you were a goody-two-shoes, but really?"

"I am not a goody-two-shoes!" I said. Edward cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Say 'fuck.'"

"Edward!"

"Say it," he challenged.

"Fuck," I mumbled. I'd never said the word before and I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. Alice and Edward laughed.

"Oh Bella, it is going to be so much fun corrupting you," Alice said. I bit my lip.

---

Two hours later, I was jumping up and down in front of the couch.

"That. Was. AWESOME. Oh my goodness, that was the best movie I've ever seen. Alice, hit me."

"Bella!"

"No, I'm serious. I've never been in a fight. I want to fight! Hit me!"

"We've created a monster," Edward muttered to Alice and then looked up at me. "No fighting until you can say 'fuck' without blushing."

"Fuck!" I said. And then blushed. "Darn it!" I stomped my foot. They laughed at me.

"The word is 'damn,' Bella," Alice said. I scowled at her, but she just smiled.

"Now, have you ever seen Se7en?"

* * *

It was the bottom of the seventh, which doesn't sound nearly so dramatic at the ninth, but it was the same thing since we only ever played seven innings. The bases weren't loaded, but Jasper had hit a double and stolen third. There was only one out, but the score was tied so the game was at least a little exhilarating.

Edward, as it turned out, was a phenomenal baseball player. I didn't see it coming, but then, I'd also been a surprise star the first time I'd played. I could only thank Phil for that. The only other girl who played in our pick-up games was Leah, Harry's daughter. She was an intimidating, cold girl who would have been beautiful it she ever stopped scowling.

The first game I'd been picked last. Blame the mini-skirt. But after that, I'd always been first or second, depending on how the coin landed. Jasper was always the rival captain, as he was the only one who could challenge Edward's natural ability. And Edward always picked Emmett first. They were cousins, and it was some family loyalty shit. Jasper always picked me.

So I was up to bat. And it was time to bring Jasper home. All I needed was one solid hit.

Edward's team was on the field, looking restless. They knew it came down to this. All our games this summer had gone one way or the other, with no clear victor. With me and Jas against Edward and Em, the talent was pretty much even. It came down to this game.

The last of the summer. The game where bragging rights for the rest of the year were claimed.

I'd never been a part of the Forks baseball scene. In fact, until Edward had suggested it, I didn't know there was one. I knew better now.

Edward cocked his arm and lifted his front leg in preparation of the throw. I gripped my bat. And then he winked at me.

This had been going on all summer. Edward was a pitcher, and while all the other players treated me like one of the guys, he always tried to throw me off my game. I gripped the bat harder and heard both Alice and Rose cheering me on. I was surprised by Rose, since she had a crush on Emmett on the other team, but it made me smile anyway,

My smile was cocky. I felt it spread further up one side of my jaw than the other. It felt like one of Edward's crooked grins, but I knew mine was just a smirk. The fleeting look in Edward's eye when he winked at me passed and was replaced with fierce determination.

This was war. This was personal. There was no time for friendship when we were on the diamond. And we both knew that.

Edward cocked his arm and brought it around his body in a fluid motion that seemed too natural to belong to a sporting event. I forced myself to keep my eye on the ball, not him, and when I swung and hit, the vibration of the impact with the bat numbed my hands.

No matter. I dropped it and began racing toward the plate at first. I ran through it and glanced up. I saw the ball was still in the outfield, making it's way home. I rounded first and ran flat out towards second. I could hear it when the ball made it to Mike's glove. He was the second baseman.

For a moment, I cursed the jeans and sweatshirt I'd insisted on Alice letting me wear rather than shorts. At this moment, it didn't matter if I was naked, so long as I made it to that plate. I let my leg slip out in front as Phil had taught me and let myself slide in.

"Safe!" Eric called, our somewhat impartial judge. I glanced over, making sure Jas had made it home. And sure enough, our team was on the field, lifting him on their shoulders. I couldn't help but be a little proud for my contribution, but when I pushed up to go join them, I winced.

My ankle was sprained, no doubt about it. If I planned on making it off-field to join in the celebration, I'd have to hobble.

Before I could even finish that thought, I was in mid-air.. I could tell from the large biceps that it had to be Emmett. He wasn't even on our team, but he lifted me over him until I was level with Jasper's crowd surfing. Jasper grabbed my hand and Emmett lifted me higher.

I felt like I'd won the World Series. And it was only a pick-up game to keep the guys in shape. I chanced a glance over at Edward, just to see if he was okay with the loss, and caught him grinning at me. He knew it was a job well done. He wasn't begrudging me.

So when Alice rushed the field, dragging Rosalie along, I hobbled over to hug them. This was our summer moment and I was high on it.

I didn't want to let it go.

---

I was sitting on the couch with my leg propped up on the coffee table, icing my swollen ankle. It was time to call Renee to check in like I did every few days. I was hesitating.

In a week, I was scheduled fly to Florida and start my new life. Summer was quickly ending, and for the first time in my life, I didn't want it to. I'd actually had fun this summer. A lot of fun.

It wasn't that I did anything special really. I hung out with Alice nearly every day. She played dress-up with me sometimes, decking me out in outrageous get-ups that never failed to shock Charlie. She forced me to watch her movie marathons in an attempt to rectify my "woeful lack of cinematic knowledge." I forced books on her, trying to get her to read something other than Stephen King for once.

Edward came over a lot too. When it was the three of us, we'd just chill, listening to music and forming so many inside jokes that our parents thought we were speaking another language. They tried to teach me to curse, since they both had "filthy" mouths, as Alice put it, but though my vocabulary had expanded, I still blushed any time I said the word "fuck." They thought it was hilarious.

Sometimes it was just Edward and me. We'd go hiking in the woods behind his house or bake ridiculously unhealthy creations because he shared my love of cooking. And my love of chocolate, peanut butter, and marshmallows. He still couldn't sit still, but I didn't mind it so much anymore. Like Alice, his energy was infectious.

And then there was baseball. I'd gotten really fond of the boys, especially Emmett and Jasper who always treated me like I was one of them. Even Rose, who came and watched the games with Alice, was pretty cool when she wasn't being a total bitch.

With all my new friends, I'd practically forgotten about my life in Phoenix. I still talked to my girls on occasion, but they were busy too and it was hard to put in much effort when we knew we wouldn't be seeing each other again. I didn't feel that bad about it. Truth be told, it hadn't been too hard to leave Phoenix, I realized now.

Leaving Forks was another matter. For the first time, I finally felt like I had found my place, like I really belonged somewhere. I knew what I had to do.

I picked up the cordless phone I'd brought with me from the kitchen and dialed Renee's number. She picked up on the second ring.

"Bella, sweetheart! How are you?" she asked. I smiled immediately at the sound of her voice.

"I'm fine," I said. "A little wiped out. We played a tough game tonight and I twisted my ankle."

"I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" She paused. "Did you win?"

I laughed. "Yeah, we won, and I'm okay. It was worth it."

She started to tell me about how things were going down there. She and Phil had almost finished with redecorating the new house, and she was loving Jacksonville.

"We haven't done anything to your room, though," she said. "I thought you might like to do it yourself."

And here it was. I knew I had to ask her, but I was afraid it would hurt her feelings.

"Mom, I was thinking…" I paused, gathering my courage. "Would it be okay if, um, I maybe… stayed here in Forks? I mean, I've just made so many friends here, and I'd really miss them, you know? I feel like I just got settled and I kinda don't want to move again."

I stopped my ramble and held my breath, waiting for her response, and released it in relief when I heard her chuckle.

"This doesn't have anything to do with that Edward boy you talk about so much, does it?"

"Mom! No, god! Edward's just a friend. I mean, gross!" I blushed furiously, shocked she could even think that.

"Okay, okay, calm down. If it's alright with Charlie, I guess it's okay with me too. I'm really going to miss you, though."

"I know, Mom. I'm going to miss you too. But I just really feel like I fit in here."

"Whatever makes you happy, hun."

"Thanks, Mom."

"Now, what is this I hear about you turning into some little goth girl? Your father sounded like he was about to lose it the last time we talked."

I laughed and filled her in on Alice's scheming, which of course Renee thought was hilarious. She wanted to meet "this Alice girl" and suggested that maybe next summer she could come with me to Florida. I thought it was a great idea, and I couldn't believe how well this was working out. For once, it seemed like everything was going right.

I was going to get to stay in Forks. I couldn't wait to tell Alice and Edward.


	3. Chapter Two

**AN: Ok. I know my kids are growing up pretty fast, but I'm basing this on me and my friends' experiences of middle school. Blame growing up in Boca. This is a very autobiographical/cathartic work, and if anyone has problems with them being too young for this mess, all I can say is, it happens. It honest-to-god happens, as sad as that may be. And the fact that they are growing up too young will be dealt with in later chapters. I'm not denying the truth of it.**

**One again, I have to thank you all for the alerts and favorites and reviews I've gotten. I honestly wasn't expecting to get as much feedback this quickly. This post is a little early, but I plan on Wednesday postings from here on out. I'm trying to write this ahead of time so I can stick to that and maybe post earlier if it winds up ending on a cliffy. I'm primarily a reader, so I know what that's like. In any case, I hope you are still enjoying the story and tagging along for the ride. **

**I swear, it will get past the bff fluff far too soon, but I hope you'll like the drama more. Thanks again and enjoy the chapter!**

**Chapter Two**

I tugged at the loose ends on the hem of my denim skirt as Mrs. Brandon pulled into the parking lot of Forks Middle School. Alice had insisted on helping me dress for the first day of school, showing up at my house before dawn. It was going to be a long day.

She dropped us off by the office and called out, "Have a good day, girls!"

Then Alice was dragging me forward. We'd gotten our schedules in the mail the week before. I had English and Math with Alice, but that was all. I had Science with Jasper since I was allowed to skip a grade thanks to my advanced classes in Phoenix. Jasper and Emmett were seventh graders, the only people I really knew at the school other than Alice.

Sure, Mike and Eric were here too, and I knew them from baseball, but we'd never really talked. Edward went to the reservation Middle School, since he lived on the other side of town. I really wished he'd been there when we walked into the doors of the main building.

"Hey!" Emmett called out, standing by one of the lockers. Jasper was next to him and he graced us with a small smile. He was always the quiet one, like me, while Emmett was boisterous.

Alice dragged me over to them, ignoring the glares we got from the other girls gathered around. I'd never thought of Em and Jas in that way, but their following was something I couldn't ignore. They were hott. Like, hot with two T's. I guess I knew it on some level, since Emmett was really buff and friendly and Jasper was really tall and had a cute, Southern accent from when he lived in Texas, but I'd never thought about it before.

"Hey, guys!" Alice said. "How's it hanging?"

"Short, shriveled, and always to the left," Emmett said, quoting a Jim Carey movie I'd been subjected to during one of Alice's marathons. Jasper and I groaned.

"Where are you headed?" he asked.

"I've got history in room 110," I said.

"Spanish," Alice said, rolling her eyes.

"I'm going that way, Bella. Want me to walk you?" Jasper asked. I thought it was kinda sweet, and since I had no idea where the room was, I nodded.

"Later!" Jas shouted over his shoulder to Em. If I'd thought the girls were glaring before, it was nothing compared to when Jasper walked me to class.

"So you're pretty popular?" I asked, even though it was obviously true.

Jasper shrugged. "Emmett is. I'm just along for the ride."

I knew that wasn't the case, but I couldn't tell him that.

"So, you've got Mr. West. He's an awesome history teacher. Especially about the Civil War," Jasper said. He was a history buff. And he loved the Civil War, something about growing up in the South.

"Well if you say so, I guess it must be true," I said. I almost winked, like Edward would have, but I caught myself. If I'd tried, I'm sure it would have come out as an awkward twitch or grimace or something. And there was no reason to be winking at Jasper anyway.

He grinned at me. "Would I lie to you, Bells?" And he winked. Even though I'd been contemplating the same gesture, I practically froze. It was one thing for Edward or Alice to wink. They flirted with everyone. But Jasper?

I tripped over thin air and was saved from further humiliation when he caught my arm.

"Careful there," he said, holding me up. "Here's your room. See you around, Bella!"

I stood outside room 110 for a moment, trying to make sense of what just happened. I decided it was nothing, Jasper just felt comfortable after all our baseball games. Shrugging back my shoulders, I walked in the classroom.

I sat at an empty desk near the front, not expecting anyone to come near since I was new and didn't know anyone. But then Mike came in and sat next to me. He'd played second-baseman all summer, and though he wasn't a great baseball player, he was a nice guy.

"Bella!" he exclaimed, "This is cool. I didn't know you were going to be in Forks."

"I convinced my mom to let me stay," I said, trying to ignore the glares from the two girls behind me. And I thought walking with Jas was tough.

"That's awesome," Mike said. "We would have missed you on the diamond."

The teacher walked in then and started taking attendance. I was saved from having to introduce myself as the new kid since everyone was new to the middle school, but I still got a couple of curious glances when my name was called. Everyone else had gone to elementary school together.

He passed out a syllabus and I started noting the dates of tests in my new planner.

"You really are Little Miss Perfect," Mike smirked at me over the random doodles he'd started to draw on the hand-out. "Edward was right."

I rolled my eyes at the mention of Edward and my anal retentiveness

"Whatever," I shrugged, trying to imitate the coolness I knew Alice would have handled the comment with.

"Right," Mike said. He laughed.

In the back of my mind, I couldn't help wondering what else Edward had said about me, or why he'd been talking about me at all.

------------------

I settled into Middle School pretty quickly, if you could call it settling. Alice and I made up the most incongruous pair that had ever graced the halls. Within a week, I was on a first name basis with all of my teachers. I loved learning, and they were all so eager for students that actually took an interest beyond their GPA. It wasn't hard for me to get comfortable with them, even if the other students, the ones who I hadn't played baseball with all summer, seemed to shun me.

Alice was the exact opposite. She got along with everyone, and before long, I saw other girls imitating her goth look. The teachers, however, hated her. She got a detention for dress code violation on our first day. Before the week was out, she had a referral for cursing.

It added to her reputation. Alice, to put it simply, was a bad ass.

I was Little Miss Perfect. It didn't take long for people to catch on to the fact that I was top of our class. Even Mike and Eric started calling me "Brain," though I didn't mind the nickname so much from them. It was just when girls like Lauren and Kate (who obviously had crushes on Emmett and Jasper, if not Mike) started ribbing on me that I became uncomfortable.

Was it my fault that I loved learning? Could I help it if I was the best English student in the school and got named Editor of the newspaper, even though I was just a lowly sixth-grader?

I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for Alice. Without her, I would have been relegated to geekdom in social discommunication. But because she was my best friend, and popular, I was saved from ridicule.

At lunch, we sat with Mike and Eric and sometimes Tyler, some of the most popular guys in our class. Rosalie sat with us too, because she was pretty and didn't totally hate us. Sometimes Emmett and Jasper sat with us too, even though they could sit anywhere they wanted. They were golden boys on the social ladder.

And even though Emmett sometimes called me "Brain," like the other kids in our class, I didn't mind it. I knew I was smart, and if people had already decided I was going to be valedictorian, who was I to complain?

Jasper was the only one who never resorted to nicknames. He walked me to my history class every morning. Sometimes we talked about serious things, like States' rights or Libertarianism. Other times he just joked with me about the trouble Alice or Emmett had gotten into. He seemed to get me, seemed to be an inside-outsider like me. Sometimes, like when he almost punched out Tyler for calling me a nerd, I felt like he was a better friend than even Alice.

But we both knew our roles. He was Emmett's sidekick. I was Alice's. And neither one of us wanted the spotlight, so we were okay with that. But I was really glad to have him around.

Edward called me every once in a while. We didn't see each other much since school had started and he was busy being the center of attention, as always. But I was glad whenever he called. It was like when Jasper walked me to class. Even though I knew I was just their friend, I felt special being the girl that got their attention. It was even better when I heard people gossiping about him at school.

Edward had a reputation. The kind that crossed different Middle Schools and made him a bit of a legend. He was popular and athletic and a total flirt. Before long, he was dating girls, a new one seemingly every week. I knew Alice was the same, since he told me about boys in his class mentioning her, but it was different with Alice. People called her a tease or a slut because she dressed provocatively and was different. She didn't care. Alice thought it was funny and she sort of made her detentions for dress code violation a prize to be won. She'd started a border around the top of her bedroom in the pink slips of her referrals. Whatever was said about her didn't matter.

She was too confident in herself to let it bring her down. I thought she was a goddess. If I didn't know Alice as the girl next door that loved unhealthy, overly-sugary cereal and had seen every movie known to man, I would have thought she was untouchable. As it was, she was just Alice. And I was just Bella. And even though she was the badass rebel and I was the goody-two-shoes, we just worked. We relied on inside jokes that only Edward found funny and we were loyal to each other no matter what rumors were flying.

So even though I was picked on, I had friends, good friends, and I was top of my class and Middle School wasn't that bad. I never regretted my decision to stay.

* * *

Things changed towards the end of the year when Alice started dating Tyler. Tyler was a really cool kid on his own. He played center in our summer pick-up games, though he wasn't on the baseball team. He was the middle school quarterback, and even though I knew nothing about football, I got that it was a big deal. Sometimes he joked with me in our shared Health class, but I didn't think anything of it. Other times, he called me "Brain," but not in a mean way.

Even when he started to sit with us at lunch everyday, I just figured it was because the other boys from baseball did. I didn't think anything of it when he asked Alice out to a date for dinner at the diner. I mean, we went to the diner all the time as group. It couldn't be a big thing, right?

I was wrong. The day after their date, Alice called me at nine, interrupting my normal weekend sleep-fest.

"Okay, I can't wait any longer. Are you up?" she asked.

"Well I am now," I grumbled.

"Great! I'll be over in five!"

I shuffled out of bed and had barely finished pouring milk into a second bowl of Lucky Charms (I'd finally broken down and asked Charlie for an alternative to Reese's), when she burst through the front door.

"He kissed me!" she squealed. "Tyler kissed me!"

I choked on my mouthful of dehydrated marshmallows. "What?" I croaked.

"I mean, it was totally unexpected, because I didn't think he'd have it in him. But that just makes it sweeter, right? I mean, I could tell he was totally nervous, but he just went for it and I mean, hello! He's Tyler! He's the fucking quarterback! Of course, I kissed him back."

I tried to drink some milk from my spoon, suddenly needing to parch my dry throat. Girls weren't supposed to kiss on the first date. Was I wrong? Was I 'totally' stuck in the fifties? Or what?

"I didn't even know you liked Tyler?" I asked. Alice rolled her eyes.

"I mean." she said again, "I wasn't sure. But what's not to like? He's cute. He's popular. And he's definitely a good kisser!"

"But you've never kissed anyone before!" I exclaimed.

"I could just tell. He was good." Alice paused. "Why aren't you happy for me?"

Her question was valid, and I didn't know the answer. I didn't like Tyler that way, but then, I didn't think Alice did either. I decided to be vague.

"I don't know. I just figured if you were going to kiss someone, it would be someone you really liked."

"Like Edward?" Alice asked, with a roll of her eyes. "Please. First of all, Edward's never going to kiss me, because he totally likes you. And secondly, I wouldn't know the first thing to do with him if he did. I mean, you can't just kiss a guy like Edward without knowing what you're doing!"

"Edward doesn't like me," I said automatically. It had become an immediate response thanks to Renee's crazy speculations that wouldn't let up. And then I actually thought about what she'd said. "Wait, you like Edward?"

Alice giggled. "I mean, I'm not in love with him or anything. But even you have to admit that he's totally hott."

I could tell from her tone she meant hot with two T's. And I didn't know what to say.

"Alice! He's just… Edward," I said. My faithful standby excuse sounded false even to my own ears.

"If you say so," Alice said, sounding dubious. "That does not change the fact that I got my first kiss last night! From Tyler Crowley!"

She shrieked the last part with such enthusiasm that I couldn't help but smile.

"So you like him?" I asked.

"Would I have let him kiss me if I didn't?" she asked. I decided to let the comment slide, wanting it to be rhetorical. I pushed the bowl of cereal towards her and laughed when she shouted, "Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes!"

Edward would have done the same thing.

-----------

That night I called Edward. It wasn't the first time we'd talked over the phone, but it was the first time I'd been the one to initiate the contact. After a brief conversation with Esme, he was put on the line.

"Bella?" he asked.

I could tell he was excited by his tone. For a moment, I felt kinda special again. I mean, I'd heard about him with girls and such, but this was different. We were best friends. Sometimes I thought we were even closer than Alice and me.

"Hey, Edward!" I said happily.

"Bells, you'll never guess what happened! You know that Irina chick I was going out with?"

I did, indeed, know 'that Irina chick.' She was the one that tried to convince him that Blink 182 was lame, even though they were obviously awesome. I didn't think much of her.

"Yeah?" I said warily. I'd called to ask what he thought of the Alice situation, but if he wanted to talk about Irina, I knew it couldn't be good.

"She let me get to second base today!" he said. "_Under_ the top."

For a moment, I tried to trick myself into thinking he was talking about baseball. It was short-lived. I knew what second base meant.

"That's awesome!" I said with false cheerfulness. But I didn't like it for some reason. I thought about what Alice had said about how she couldn't just kiss someone like Edward, since he obviously knew what he was doing.

Without thinking, I asked, "But seriously, is there any point? I mean, it's not like anyone in our class has grown boobs, other than Rose."

Rosalie was 'an early bloomer' as my mom put it. All the boys drooled over her, even though she wouldn't give them the time of day. It kinda made me even like her more.

Edward laughed. "Irina's an eighth-grader, Bella. Trust me, there was a point to it."

"You're dating an eighth-grader!" I shrieked. He was eleven! She was thirteen! That was just… weird.

"Please, Bells. You know I've got mad skillz."

I laughed. "Right, _Eddie_," I said, using his hated nickname. "If by skills you mean you make a mean vampire."

"Shut up!"

"I'm sure Irina would be impressed by your Dracula impersonation. Maybe I should let her know she's dating a total dweeb."

"Isabella Marie Swan!" Oh, full name, I've got him. "Don't you dare. No one knows about that shit but you, and it'd better stay that way."

I felt that same small twinge of pride. Only the two of us shared that. Before I allowed myself to dwell on it, I got to the reason I'd called in the first place.

"Alice got to first last night." I used his baseball analogy, even though I wasn't sure if it was true. Did they use tongue? I'd forgotten to ask.

"Really?" he asked. He didn't sound too impressed. "With who?"

"Oh," I said. "Tyler Crawley."

"The sucky center?" he asked.

"He's our football quarterback," I said, not knowing why I was defending him.

"Doesn't mean he's not a sucky center," Edward said, sounding glum suddenly. I didn't know what to do.

"Well, I don't think it's serious."

"Okay, Bella. Can I call you back later? I have a lot of homework to do."

"Sure," I said, knowing he didn't have homework. Edward, like me, was always too smart for homework.

"Later, Bella," he said and hung up. I stared at the dial tone emanating from my receiver, wondering what my best friends' problems were.

----

Before walking into school the next day, I cornered Alice.

"Did you and Tyler French?" I asked.

"Maybe," Alice said, turning slightly pink. "Why do you ask? You didn't seem very interested yesterday."

I could tell she was pouting about my lack of enthusiasm. "No reason. I just realized when I was talking to Edward that I didn't know."

"You told Edward!?"

"Yeah, is that bad?" Alice bit her lip, as if contemplating it, then shook her head.

"What did he say?" she asked.

"Not much, he said Tyler was a sucky center." Alice brightened immediately. "Oh, and he got to second base with Irina. Apparently she's an _eighth-grader._"

Alice laughed. "What, did he run out of girls his own age?"

I laughed too. Edward had a reputation for a reason. Even though his girlfriends rarely lasted more than two weeks, he was never without one. I'd never seen the point, since most Middle School relationships consisted of holding hands and walking each other to class. Though if Alice and Edward were anything to go by, that wasn't true.

At dinner that night, I casually mentioned it to Charlie. He blushed and got flustered- obviously where I inherited it from - and then looked serious.

"No dating until high school, Bella," he said. I nodded. Like I said, most Middle School relationships were dumb. I did, however, feel a slight pang of jealousy. Both of my best friends had been kissed. I'd never even been asked out. I pushed the thought to the side and got up to do the dishes.

---

The rest of the sixth grade continued on pretty much the same. Alice and Tyler dated for a whole month before she called it off because he was too "conventional." I was pretty sure she was just mad he wouldn't let her dress him up in Hot Topic gear. Edward broke up with Irina a week after we talked and was actually single for a while, though he started dating a seventh-grader named Melissa before school let out. I was called "Brain," lovingly by my friends and condescendingly by everyone else.

There was one time when our middle schools played each other in baseball. Emmett had switched over to football with Tyler, but Alice and I went for Jasper and Edward anyway. They were both the best players on their respective teams, and we wound up cheering for them rather than either side. Our team won, and Jas gave us a both a big hug afterward. We were going to give Edward a hug too, but he was too busy being consoled by Melissa's tongue for us to bother.

We still talked and hung out when our parents did, but it wasn't like that summer. There were new inside jokes made with Em and Jas that Edward wasn't a part of. Sometimes I missed him, but most of the time I was just plain busy.

When summer came, Alice and I went to Jacksonville. We laid out on the beach every day, even though we always burned. Renee took us shopping and Alice thought she was the coolest mom ever for going into Hot Topic, even though I was just embarrassed that she flirted with the underage boys at the register. I played catch with Phil and tried not to miss our pickup games with the boys too much. I was happy when it was time to return to Forks for the seventh grade.

Edward came over the first day we were back in town. He'd broken up with Melissa because she was being "a clingy bitch" and had started dating someone who was actually in our grade. Jessica was apparently another "early bloomer" if his accounts of her "tits" were anything to go by. We spent the last week of the summer watching movies and binging on sugary cereal and I was so glad to be back, even if I missed my mom.

The first day of seventh grade, Jasper greeted us at the car. He wanted to check if we had science together again, which we did, and asked to be my lab partner. Alice teased me relentlessly that he liked me, but I denied it. I was still the goody-two-shoes and Jas was a smart cookie. I figured he just wanted a good grade.

Alice wound up dating Mike for two months. I kinda thought Mike liked me, a little, because he always sat by me in class and was really nice. But I didn't say anything. I mean, it wasn't like I liked him back, but I was kinda shocked that she would go there. She obviously pursued him whenever he seemed to be flirting with me and it wasn't until I told him about Charlie's "no dating until high school" rule that he asked her out.

I didn't want to think that Alice could be like that, but when I told Edward about them dating, his immediate response was, "She's jealous."

"Jealous of what?" I asked.

"Jealous that all the guys want to be with you." I cracked up. Full, belly-aching laughs.

"Whatever, Edward," I said, He shrugged. I was over at his house for a "family" dinner with Charlie, Carlisle, and Esme.

"Right, because there's so much to be jealous of. I've never even been kissed! I wouldn't know what to do."

Edward looked at me, a strange look that had me remembering what Alice had said a year before about not knowing what to do with him.

"Trust me, Bells, there's a lot to be jealous of," he said.

"Like what?" I countered.

"Like tits," he said with a wink. "Don't think I haven't noticed those."

I blushed and crossed my arms over my chest. Mrs. Brandon had taken me and Alice to buy training bras recently. We were both a 32 AA, the smallest size available, and though I filled them out more than she did, it wasn't something to brag about.

"Shut up," I said. "There's nothing there."

"If you say so," Edward said, cocking a eyebrow. I blushed harder.

---

The next week, Alice dragged me aside from our friends in the cafeteria.

"I got to second!" she whisper-squealed.

"Don't you mean you let Mike get to second?" I asked.

"Hello!" Alice shouted. "Way to undermine feminism. But for serious!"

"That's great, Ali," I said. "What did he think of the bra?"

We'd both bought the sexiest training bras we could find. Of course, they only came in virginal white, but Alice had insisted on the ones with a sliver a lace around the cup and a bow in front.

"He never knew what hit him!" she said. "Don't worry, Bells, Edward will love them."

"Edward doesn't like me!" I shrieked. Honestly, between her and Renee it was getting to be too much. I looked over at our table to see all the boys studiously ignoring us, excepting Jas who was glaring at his food with a slight flush.

"Edward and I will never be together," I said quietly. "We're just friends. Please, let it go."

"Fine!" Alice said. "But you don't know what you're missing!"

She winked at me. I blushed. As much as I didn't want to be 'Little Miss Perfect,' what my friends did was beyond gross. I'd never even been kissed! How could I compare with them?

---

"Hello Ladies," Edward said, walking into Alice's living room. It was a Saturday and we'd decided to have a movie marathon since we hadn't hung out together in a long time.

"Edward!" Alice squealed, jumping up from the couch to hug him. He laughed and returned her embrace before turning to me.

"What. Swan, no hug?"

"God, no. Who knows where you've been," I said from my spot on the couch. He narrowed his eyes, giving me that look of determination usually reserved for the baseball diamond, and then tackled me. I fell back with him leaning over me, tickling my sides until I was gasping for air.

"Admit it, Swan. You think I'm sexy."

"No!" I choked out.

"Swan…" he said warningly. Tears were streaming down my face; I couldn't breath.

"Fine!" I shouted. "You're sexy! Let me go!"

He sat back on his calves with a smirk. "Knew it."

"God, unresolved sexual tension, much?" Alice asked. I blushed at the word 'sexual.'

"Shut up, Alice! Just because I'm not a slut like the two of you." I knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left my mouth. Alice and Edward looked at each other briefly before they both dived in and started tickling me mercilessly. Neither one of them was ticklish. It just wasn't fair.

"I take it back!" I screamed. "You aren't sluts! You're nuns! Completely celibate, virginal nuns!"

"Well, I wouldn't go that far," Alice said. Edward winked at her.

"If you're done torturing me now, can we start the movie?" I asked, still gasping slightly.

"Actually, hang on. I brought something," Edward said, getting up and reaching into the backpack he'd dropped when Alice hugged him. "Are your parents home?"

"Nope, they're gone all day. Shopping in Seattle."

"Perfect," Edward said, holding up a water bottle. It was filled three-fourths of the way with something yellow.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Tequila," he said. The smirk was back in full force. Alice immediately started bouncing but I just blanched.

"Edward! We can't drink!"

"Why not?" he asked. My stomach twisted into knots. This was bad. This was wrong. This was going to get me in so much trouble.

"Come on, Bella. Live a little!" Alice said.

"Live a little? Now I know it's a bad idea, Alice. Every time you tell me that something goes horribly wrong." It was true. The last time she'd said it, we skipped third period with Em and Jas to hang out in the Auditorium. The school called our parents and we were both grounded for a week.

"Alright, Little Miss Perfect," Edward said. He knew how much I hated when he called me that. Both of my friends were rebels, badasses. It always made me feel left out.

"Give me that," I huffed. He unscrewed the cap and handed it over. Before I could think about it, I took a big gulp. It tasted horrible! And it burned! I choked and sputtered as they laughed.

"Go, Bells!" Alice shouted. Edward took the bottle from me and took a swig. He didn't choke like me, but the grimace on his face made me laugh.

"My turn!" Alice took a gulp and scrunched up her nose. "Ugh!"

And then the bottle was back to me. We took turns downing the nasty stuff. After the first few swallows, it burned a little less, leaving only a warm sensation down my esophagus. As soon as the bottle was finished, I started giggling.

"Bella, are you drunk?" Edward asked with that cute little smirk. Wait, what? Cute?

"Noooo!" I said, shaking my head wildly. The room started to spin and I fell over face-first into Alice's lap. She started to laugh.

"Ew! Crotch face!" I shrieked. Edward started cracking up.

"Damn, Bella. Didn't know you swung that way," he said. I pushed myself up and tried to slap him, but missed his face by a foot.

"Oh dear, looks like she's a belligerent drunk," Alice giggled.

"Am not!" I huffed. I tried to scowl but started giggling again. I felt good. Like, really good. Everything was bright and happy and I was with my two best friends in the world. Alice seemed to be feeling the same way because she threw herself at us and wrapped us both in a hug.

"I fucking love you guys!" she squealed.

"I fucking love you too, Ali," I said.

"Holy shit! She didn't blush!" Edward said.

"Fuck! Shit! Cock! Motherfucker!" I screamed.

Alice and Edward cracked up so hard they fell off the couch and started rolling around on the floor.

"Too much," Edward gasped. I jumped off the couch and straddled him, trying to tickle him to pay him back for earlier. He looked up at me and raised an eyebrow.

"You know that's not going to work."

"It's not fair!" I lamented. "Why am I the only one who's ticklish?"

Edward rolled us over so he was on top of me and started squeezing my sides. After a moment, he let up. He was half laying on top of me, my legs out on either side of his, and his funny-colored hair was hanging in his face. He had a weird look in his eyes, and I reached up to brush the hair away from them.

"Your eyes are really green," was my intelligent statement.

"If you two are done having sex in my living room," Alice said. I pushed Edward off me quickly and hit her with one of the couch cushions. Edward just laughed.

"Maybe we can start the movie?" She finished.

We put in Zoolander. It was a Ben Stiller fest, complete with Meet the Parents and Dodgeball. Normally, I wasn't big on comedy, but that day, I thought it was hilarious.

"You-can-read-minds?" I gasped out, laughing so hard I fell over onto Edward. He laughed and put an arm around me, pulling me closer. Alice snuggled up to my other side, and we stayed that way for the rest of the movie. I was warm and happy between my two best friends in the world. There wasn't anywhere I'd rather be.


	4. Chapter Three

**AN: Oops! Sorry this is a day late! It shouldn't happen again.**

**This is probably my least favorite chapter I've written, but hey, after this we get into high school and the real heart of the story! Warning, major angstiness at the end. Thanks again for all the support. Ever favorite, alert, and review brightens my day!**

**Chapter Three**

Alice didn't come with me to Florida that summer. Her parents had planned a vacation to New York City that was too awesome to pass up. We hugged and cried at the airport as I was leaving, but I was secretly glad to have my mom all to myself. I hadn't had real Renee time since we left Phoenix.

I told Renee everything. I told her about Alice dating Mike even though I thought he liked me and about Edward getting to second base with both Vicky and Jess. I even told her about the tequila. She just hugged me and sobbed about seeing her little girl grow up. I knew it was the sort of "cool mom" response that would have had Alice and Rose drooling, but I just wanted her to tell me what to do. Renee just shrugged it off and said I was growing up. I'd figure it out on my own.

I was feeling pretty good when I got back to Forks. My persistence had paid off and I almost had a tan. At the very least, my pink skin had tan-lines. It was better than nothing.

My first day back in Forks, Alice came over. She was more subdued than normal, so I knew something was up. Then she started talking about Edward. Apparently, they'd been in contact over the summer. He was going through a bit of a dry spell after Jess, and he admitted that there were three girls he really liked. Alice filled me in on the details.

The first girl was some chick named Irina he knew from his family vacations in Alaska, where Esme was from. They had cyber sex over the internet, but the distance was such that neither was willing to take it further. I was shocked; I thought cybering was only for pedophiles, but what Alice said next made Irina the furthest thing from my mind.

The other two girls Edward liked were me and Alice. He'd told her as much but had said that I was too good for him, or something. He also knew about Charlie's 'no dating' rule. So when Alice had said she'd wanted to give it a go, there was nothing holding them back.

I was furious. I didn't know why. On the one hand, I was mad that they were dating each other the whole summer because I felt left out. On the other hand, I couldn't be mad because Alice was so happy. She told me the story of the first time he'd come over without me there.

Alice had a thing for reptiles. She wanted a snake but couldn't have one because her mom was terrified of them. Instead, she got leopard geckos named Hannibal and Clarice, after _my_ favorite movie, which Edward agreed was the shit. When she showed them to Edward, she jokingly asked when she was going to see his gecko. She swore she didn't think anything of it until she turned around and he had his penis out. She was shocked and almost dropped her gecko on his 'gecko.' It was supposed to be funny, but I didn't laugh. After that, Alice kept the stories to herself.

I didn't know why I was so mad. It kinda felt like when Alice was dating Mike, but worse. Edward had admitted to liking me. Even though I didn't see him the same way, I was crushed that Alice would step forward like my feelings were no big deal. She didn't even ask me about it!

I tried to crush down the resentment I felt because Alice was so happy. On the rare occasion when she did tell me about stuff the two of them did, I just pretended it was some other boy she was talking about and not Edward. It worked, for the most part. They hadn't done much other than make out, for which I was grateful. I didn't want to picture my two best friends going at it. She let him feel her up after they'd been dating a month, which surprised me. Neither one of them had much restraint, nor were they known for talking it slow. When I asked why she made him wait so long, she rolled her eyes.

"If it was up to me, we'd have done a lot more by now," she said. "He just doesn't really try to take it further. He said he wants to go slow because he's afraid that if we screw this up, it will ruin our friendship."

"Will it?" I asked. I'd been concerned about that. What was I going to do when they broke up? How would I handle my best friends hating each other?

"I hope not," Alice said. "We both swore it wouldn't before we started anything, but I don't know. I really like him."

She did. It wasn't like with Tyler, when she was just excited because she was in a relationship and had a boy, not really caring who that boy was. I guess it wasn't too surprising, I mean, they'd been good friends before they started dating.

Most of the time, I hung out with them separately. I saw Alice at school and on Saturdays sometimes. I saw Edward at the dinners our families had, and we acted like nothing had changed. We didn't talk about him and Alice, for which I was grateful. I didn't think I could handle a description of her tits.

There was one time when we decided to have a movie binge for old time's sake. I was already over at Alice's house, feeling slightly nervous about hanging out with both of them, when Edward arrived.

"Hey you!" Alice said, giving him a kiss on the cheek that made my stomach churn. "What's wrong?"

Something was definitely up. Edward was pale, paler than normal. He looked slightly nauseous.

"I just had the worst conversation with Dad on the way over here," he said, sitting down.

"What about?" I asked. I was resisting the urge to touch him, to give him some sort of comfort. That was Alice's job. Sure enough, she sat down right next to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Apparently, he overheard some girls from my class talking at the baseball game last night. Talking about giving head."

"And…?" Alice prodded.

"Well, he decided it was time to give me the talk. I mean, he asked me if I knew what blowjobs were. I had to talk to my _dad_ about oral sex! It was… awful."

I cracked up. "Oh my god, I can't imagine Carlisle even saying the word _blowjob_."

"Tell me about it," Alice said, snickering.

"It's not funny!" Edward shouted. Then cracked a smile. "Ok, maybe it is. A little."

"What did he say?" Alice asked.

"Not much. Just an explanation, like I didn't already know what they were. And then he went on about being safe and…" he shuddered. "…flavored condoms."

I couldn't help it, I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. Alice was right behind me, falling of the couch and rolling on the floor, clutching her stomach.

"Car-Car-Carlisle! Can you imagine?" I choked out.

"Flavored condoms!" Alice shrieked, and then sat up, suddenly serious. "Did he recommend the good flavors?"

"NO! God!" Edward said. And then he was laughing too. After a minute we calmed down and sat back on the couch.

"So, what," I asked, "Carlisle decided that now was the time to give you the talk, after you've been feeling up girls for years?"

"No, I mean, he gave me the actual sex talk when I was eight. But that was like, Dr. Cullen, you know? Very clinical, diagrams from medical textbooks, that sort of thing."

"Ha! My mom didn't give me the talk until last year. Like I didn't already know! I swear, it was so cliché, she actually said 'when a man and a woman love each other very much….'" Alice giggled.

"Consider yourselves lucky," I said. "I asked Renee when I was nine. Instead of actually explaining, she just went on about how great it was and female empowerment and how it shouldn't just be good for the man. I mean, I didn't even know the mechanics of it, how the heck was I supposed to know what a clitoris was?"

Edward and Alice laughed. I was blushing slightly from saying 'clitoris' but I wasn't actually embarrassed. I could say anything around them. They were my best friends, even if they were dating.

"So, did Carlisle have any tips?" Alice asked.

"No! Shut up! It was just… really awkward," Edward said.

"I don't get it," I said. "I mean, why would you want to put that thing in your mouth? They _pee_ from there!"

Now Edward was the one rolling on the floor with laughter.

"I don't know," Alice said. "I mean, I'm not ready to go there yet, but I kind of see the appeal."

"Please, god, let you be ready soon," Edward joked. I grimaced, but Alice just hit him on the head.

"You're not supposed to pressure me, you douche bag!"

"I'm not!" Edward said. "You know I would never pressure you. But a guy can hope."

He kissed her and I looked away, feeling really uncomfortable.

"So, about that movie?" I asked.

"Yes!" Alice screamed, getting up and turning on the DVD player. They snuggled together on the couch, and I didn't join them like I used to. But they didn't kiss again, so it wasn't too awkward. I was getting used to it. Kinda.

---

Our eighth grade year was pretty much the same as the two before. Jas and Em weren't around as much because they'd both started high school. My time with Alice was strained because Edward took up all of her time and I just didn't want to hear about it. It wasn't until our schools both planned an overnight field trip to Seattle that things got bad.

Alice was bouncing out of her skin with excitement over getting to see her boyfriend. We were all supposed to see an art exhibit the next day. I wasn't looking forward to being the third wheel.

When we got there, Alice, Mike, and Eric started a ping-pong tournament with some of the boys from the reservation. I knew Jake and Seth from the other school because our dads were friends, but I didn't join the game. Instead, I sat out with Edward, eating the sub sandwiches we'd been provided with for dinner.

He started to look sick about five minutes after the meal was done. He seemed to be focused on the ping-pong game, but I could tell something was up. I asked if he was alright.

"I'm fine, Bella," he said, but his voice was strained. There had been mushrooms on my sub, but not on his because I knew he was allergic from when we used to hang out as kids.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "There weren't any mushrooms, right?"

"I'm just going to lie down," he said and went back to his bedroom. I walked over to the ping-pong tables and confronted Alice.

"I think Edward is sick," I said. "I think it's his allergy."

"What allergy?" she asked, continuing to play. "Is he sneezing? He'll get over it."

I went into the kitchen to make coffee, because I knew caffeine and adrenaline were the only things that would help if he were going into anaphylactic shock. I'd seen it before, but never without Carlisle around to take care of it. I pulled the pot out before it had finished brewing and scalded my hand while trying to pour him a mug.

"Are you okay, Bella?" Mr. Branchley, our math teacher and chaperone asked. 

"Yes sir," I said. "I'm just worried about Edward. He wasn't looking good."

I carried the mug to his room and felt my blood run cold. Edward was crouched on top of the covers in a fetal position, his skin was pale and clammy. He was gasping for breath.

"Can you drink this?" I asked, handing him the coffee. "What can I do?"

"Just stay with me? Please?" He sounded so desperate. But he took the mug and started sipping it.

"Let me get Alice," I said, and he nodded. I walked back out to the game room where Alice was playing ping-pong.

"Edward's really sick," I said. "I think there was a mushroom on his sub."

"He's allergic?" she asked. I wanted to shake her for being so calm, for thinking he was _sneezing _and not about to_ suffocate_, but I just walked back to Edward's room. He was the same as I'd left him, minus half a mug of coffee, so I pulled the blankets over both of us and held him. It was the closest we'd been in a long time.

"Thanks, Bells," he whispered before drifting off to sleep. I stayed up the whole night, afraid he'd stop breathing.

--------

The next day was bad. The chaperones found me sleeping with Edward and we both got referrals. Rumors started flying about us cheating on Alice. When I cornered her at the art museum to explain, she wouldn't listen to me.

"How could you, Bella?" she asked.

"He was sick! I tried to tell you," I said. "Alice, nothing happened. You're both still my best friends."

"I don't know if I can be friends with you," she said.

It felt like someone was driving a nail into my coffin. No one would speak to me other than Edward. He was constantly by my side, trying to comfort and reassure me, but it felt counterproductive. The more he was with me, the more the rumors grew.

The next week at school was the most excruciating of my life. Alice wouldn't sit with me, and she took all our friends with her. For the first time, I realized how dependant I was on her friendship. I sat with Angela, another girl labeled a "nerd" in our class. But she didn't have an Alice to save her from being an outcast. And now, I didn't either.

The next weekend, she called me. I clutched the phone to my ear and barely breathed.

"Alice, I'm so sorry. I didn't know what they would say," I said.

"So you don't deny it?" she asked.

"Deny what? He was sick, Alice. I was worried about him."

"And that's the whole story?" she asked.

"Yes!" I said, willing her to believe me.

"I don't want to do this, Bella, but you're too good of a friend. I believe you," she said.

"Thank you, Alice," I said.

I went back to sitting with my usual table. I brought Angela with me, even though the others barely acknowledged her, excepting Rose. They became good friends. Alice and Edward continued to date for a bit, but it was strained. I didn't know if it was what had happened on the trip, or his admitting earlier that he liked me, or what. I just wanted my friends back.

When Alice called and invited me to a movie marathon of the chick flicks of the decades (Heathers, Clueless, and Mean Girls), I was excited. I thought we were finally getting our friendship back. It wasn't until she told me that she broke up with Edward that I felt bad.

"Why, Alice?" I asked. "You seemed so into each other."

"Into you was more like," she said. "We didn't have anything in common."

I knew this wasn't true. She'd burned him the entire Offspring discography with hand-decorated cover art for their one-month anniversary. He'd bought her a pretty fake-diamond pixie pendant from Hot Topic for their second. At the time, it made me hate them. Now, I just felt sad.

"Can we please just watch the movies?" Alice asked. I agreed, and we lost ourselves in teen drama that couldn't touch us. I had my best friend back.

---

Edward called me a month after he and Alice broke up. I told him I was sorry, that I didn't want to come between them, that they were still my best friends.

When he told me he still liked me, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no.

It was hard. I liked Edward. I liked him a lot, more than I'd been willing to admit to Alice or Renee. But the timing just wasn't right. He was on the rebound from Ali, she still had her doubts about us, and we went to different school and lived different lives. I couldn't help thinking that if he knew about the extent of my reputation as a goody-two-shoes, as Little Miss Perfect, as Brain, he wouldn't have asked.

He said he understood, but he didn't call me back. Charlie avoided hanging out with the Cullens for a while. I knew that our parents were in on it. Then one day, in American History, Alice passed me a note that changed my world.

_So I still talk to Edward. Not sure if you knew that, but I do._

I didn't know that. I told her as much.

_Anyway, he told me something really disturbing the other night. You know how he hasn't had a girlfriend in a while. Not since we broke up. _(I didn't know. I tried to avoid the rumors about him.)

_Apparently he's been cutting himself. I'm mad. I mean, what kind of sick shit is that? Is he trying to make me feel bad about breaking up with him? Because I don't feel bad. He was obviously too into you to give our relationship a chance…_

I swear when I saw the note, I stopped breathing. My heart faltered. Cutting himself? Was Edward actually harming himself? I couldn't wrap my head around it.

Immediately, I pictured the weird little kid that loved vampires. I saw him bouncing on the bed of the creek, too rambunctious to catch fish. I saw him laughing as he goaded me into saying the word "fuck." That Edward? That happy Edward was _cutting_ himself?

_I'm so mad at him, _Alice's next note read. _How dare he try and place this on me?_

I didn't care about Alice at that moment. My boy, _my_ beautiful boy, was hurting himself. For the first time, I knew what friendship meant.

_How can you be mad?_ I asked Alice. _How can you not care? This is EDWARD! I can't believe this._

---

Alice was mad. She didn't talk to me for two weeks. After that, she avoided the topic.

I tried calling him. No one answered, and when they did, Carlisle and Esme were vague. He was sleeping. He wasn't feeling well. For the first time in my life, I screamed the word "FUCK!" into my pillow and meant it. I cried myself to sleep.

---

It was the end of winter break in our eight grade year. We were having our first "family" dinner with the Cullens in a long time. I hadn't seen Edward in person since he broke us with Alice in September, and I was nervous. We hadn't spoken in months, though I wanted to. I knew from Ali that he was still hurting himself, but he hadn't confided in me. I felt like there was nothing I could do.

Dinner was strained. Edward was dressed in a black long-sleeved T-shirt and black Dickies. It made his eyes seem even more green, though they were focused on his plate most of the time. He'd started dressing more "goth" when he was going out with Alice, but like her, his personality was too cheery to admit it. Now, though, he seemed to fit the part. He answered Charlie's questions with one word, monotone. When he and Carlisle got up to bring out desert, we heard them arguing in the kitchen.

"They haven't been getting along," Esme confided, quietly. "Teenagers."

Charlie shrugged. I ripped my napkin into shreds.

After dinner, Esme suggested Edward and I go do something while the parents talked. We went up to his room, not saying a word. As soon as he shut the door behind us, I spun around in a slow circle. I'd been in Edward's room a million times before, and while the furniture hadn't changed, everything else had. Two walls were painted black. The other two were completely covered in posters and pictures ripped out of "Hit Parader" magazine. Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Disturbed, Godsmack. I knew the bands because Alice listened to them sometimes to annoy her parents. Edward had always been more into Pop-Punk. Like me.

"Something the matter, Swan?" Edward asked, sitting on the bed. His voice was the same monotone as he'd had at dinner. I hated it.

Where was my rambunctious boy? Where was the clown and the flirt I knew so well? His green eyes looked dead.

"What's wrong, Edward?" I asked, my voice pleading. I was begging him to confide in me. To tell me what he was doing to himself. _Why_ he was doing it.

"Nothing," he said, staring at his beat-up Converse sneakers. I hated that voice. I hated it so much, it made me sick.

Without thinking, I crossed the room and grabbed his wrist. He fought me, holding it tightly in his lap for a moment before giving up with a sigh. He let me lift his arm and slide back the sleeve.

His arm was crisscrossed with cuts and scars. Some new, some healing, some healed into faint white lines. None of them were very deep, but they were all grotesque. I was nauseous before, but the sight had me swallowing my own vomit. I knew what I was going to find, I'd been warned, but nothing prepared me for the sight of his own self-destruction.

I stared, repulsed. For a moment, Edward met my eyes and his were full of shame. And hurt. And hatred. Then he stared back down at his feet, jerked his arm from my grasp, and growled out, "It's nothing."

_NOTHING? _I wanted to shout. _How dare you call this _nothing.

But I didn't shout. Instead, I started to cry. Great, sobbing, gasping cries. My Edward, _my Edward_, had done this to himself. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

"Don't cry," he said. For the first time that night, his voice betrayed his emotion. "Why are you crying, Bella. It's nothing."

"It is not _nothing,_" I said. My voice was hard, angry, though tears were streaming down my face. "Why, Edward? Why would you do this?"

"It doesn't matter," he said. His angry tone matched my own.

"Doesn't! Doesn't matter? What the _fuck_? Of course, it matters."

"You didn't blush," he said. He almost--_almost_-- smirked that crooked grin. "You said fuck, and you didn't blush. Have you been practicing, Miss Perfect?"

"Shut up!" I screamed. "_That_ doesn't matter. This! This matters, Edward. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

I pointed to his forearm and he rolled down his sleeve, hiding the damage.

"There's no why, Bella. I just- I have to. I deserve it."

"No you don't!" I was shrieking now, crazy, unhinged, high-pitched screams. I expected the parents to burst through the door at any moment, demanding to know what was wrong. I would have told them too. This was too much for me to handle. But they didn't come.

"You're so good, Bella. So innocent. You wouldn't understand," he said. He was back to that dreadful, hated, blank monotone.

"Then tell me. Tell me so I can understand," I said. My voice was calm, but I was still sniveling.

"No," his voice was harsh, raw. "No, because you shouldn't understand. You're perfect. You're _precious_. I would never want you to understand."

And there it was. The reason he'd told Alice and not me. The reason he wouldn't tell me _now_, even though I'd already seen. I was just Little Miss Perfect. Brain. Goody-two-shoes. I wasn't bad enough for him.

Before I could finish that thought, he choked. He let out a sound, a dreadful sound like that of a wounded animal. And I saw his eyes, his beautiful green eyes, start to brim with water. _Tears_.

Edward started to cry and I didn't think. For once in my life, my overactive, intelligent, analytical brain was shut off. I didn't think.

I just acted.

I leap onto his lap, throwing my arms around his shoulders, bringing his head to my slowly-developing chest. I had the fleeting thought that I hadn't bothered to wear my training bra today, but it passed quickly. Edward was crying. He was _sobbing_. And so I held him. I rocked him in my arms and held him to my chest, like a mother would. I let him get it out. I didn't say a word.

He eventually quieted. His tears dried up. But he didn't push me away, so I held and rocked in the only comfort, the instinctual comfort, that I could provide. Eventually, we heard our parents downstairs.

"Edward! Bella!" Esme called. "Charlie's getting ready to go."

I climbed off of his lap and stood. Edward pushed up without looking at me.

"Thank you," he said. His voice was hoarse, still full of tears. He walked past me, out of the bedroom. I watched him.

I watched the swing in his step from years of baseball practice, the sway of those broad shoulders developed from pitching, the narrowing of his childlike waist. I watched the muscles of his back beneath his black shirt contract and release, walking away from me, carrying a burden too big for his young body.

I watched him walk away and felt my heart breaking. I wasn't a shattering, a falling of razor-edged pieces as the term would suggest. It was a swelling, an aching, a throb that reached out to him and stayed with him, _connected_ to _him_.

It took my heart breaking for me to realize it belonged to him.

It took him walking away from me to realize.

I loved him.

_I love you, Edward._

I thought it, I felt it, I sent it at him with every fiber of my being. He was just a hurt little boy who couldn't sit still and loved vampires and was hurting himself. I was just an isolated girl who had one crazy best friend and who liked when others were nice to her and was too good to be accepted. But in that moment, I knew. _I_ wasn't Little Miss Perfect. _He _ was perfect.

He was everything. Renee's hopes, Alice's ambition, all the girls' dreams, all the boys' ideal. He was magnificent and hurting and everything great and broken and he was perfect.

He was mine.

Because I loved him.


	5. Chapter Four

-1**AN: First day of high school! And I realized not much happens in this chapter, other than a ton of flirting, but well, I figured after that heaping dose of angst last chapter, some fluff is deserved. Thanks, as always, for all the support!**

**Also, I forgot to put disclaimers on some of the past chapters, so just a reminder: **

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight or any of the recognizable characters. I just like to play with them.**

**Chapter Four**

Alice and I were laying on the beach. Again. It was the summer before high school, and she was determined to overcome our pale complexions to enter the next four years of our lives with an actual tan.

I couldn't give a shit. Honestly, if it wasn't involved in freaking out Charlie or Phil, I'd never really had an interest in clothes, or looks, or makeup. Alice said that was fine. They were our gauge. If Charlie or Phil freaked out, we were doing something right. I thought it was kinda twisted.

Now, I talked to Charlie over the break. Almost daily, checking up even though nothing in Forks ever changed. Before I lived with him, we'd go months without talking, but it was different now. He was my "primary caretaker." He was my dad.

Renee was still cool, but since Alice had caught onto the fact that I told her everything, we were all more like sisters. She spent more time talking with Ali about boys and clothes than she did talking with me about real things.

Real things like Edward, who I talked to at least once a week since our family dinner in January. Not that I would have told Renee about Edward. For the first time in my life, I felt the need to keep something from her, not for my sake, but for _his_.

He was still hurting himself. Not as often as before, because it made me cry, but still. Sometimes. Like when he dumped a girl and she cried. Or when he got into a fight with Carlisle. Sometimes, he would just call me and tell me that he _wanted _to, but I could usually talk him out of it. Other times, he didn't call until after the fact. I would hold it together on the phone, try to be understanding, but when we hung up, I would cry myself to sleep.

Edward, as I now understood, hated himself. Even though no one could ever hate the golden boy who stole all the girls hearts and was perfect on the diamond and that all the boys wanted to be like. I told him so. I told him he was loved and perfect. It didn't change anything.

He still hated himself. I never told him I loved him, like all the other girls did, because then he wouldn't call me. Then I would be like the rest of them. Like the girls and the boys. Like his parents. He would think I was expecting something.

But I wasn't. To me, Edward was perfect. Even with the cutting. Maybe, if I was honest, because of it. He didn't take it all for granted. He doubted himself, like I doubted myself.

So I couldn't tell Renee that, because it would be a betrayal. And I couldn't tell Alice, because they were finally getting along again. Sometimes they would talk after he called me, and it seemed like old times. Sure, Alice talked about all the cute boys in Jacksonville and Edward told her about whoever he was dating (which he never told me) and it seemed at times like they were trying to make the other jealous, but they were talking.

And sometimes we put the phone on speaker and laughed about new movies or debated the merits of the hard rock bands featured in Hit Parader that week (which I had started subscribing and listening to, so I wouldn't be left out, and which, as it turned out, wasn't so bad.)

I cursed in those conversations. Alice ratted me out ever time I blushed because of it, but she didn't mention when I blushed because Edward said something flirty, so I was grateful. At the end of the summer, though, when we were laying out on the beach, she called me out on it.

"You like Edward."

"Alice! For the last time, he's--"

"Just Edward!" she cut me off. "I know, I've heard you're excuses before. But that's what they are. Excuses. What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on," I said. Of that, I was sure. Sure, Edward called me when he was sad about a girl or his dad. But he also called me when he seemed fine. We were just friends, as he'd made clear when he chose Alice over me. Alice, who wasn't a goody-goody, but was smart and flirty and confident. Alice, who was a goddess, like those other older girls and "early bloomers" he'd dated. Alice, who was worth his time.

Alice, who was now questioning me.

"You're not serious, Bella! There is definitely _something_ going on."

"I am serious," I said. "He talks to be because I'm his best friend. As I've always been. Nothing more."

"Nothing more until now," she insisted. "But we're starting high school. You'll finally be in the same place! Plus, he confides in you like no one else, not even his 'flavor of the week.'"

I loved that American Hi-Fi song. It was old by a few years, out of style. The phrase "Nintendo" didn't even make sense. But Alice was my best friend and she knew I liked it, and what was more, she knew _why_ I liked it, even if I hadn't ever said so explicitly.

It reminded me of him.

"Please drop it," I said. "It's never going to happen, and even if it was, that's not the point. He's hurting; I'm there for him.."

"Unconditionally?" she asked.

"Of course," I said.

"Like a mother. Except you _aren't _his mother, who he hasn't told. Except you're his _best friend_, who he has told and who happens to finally have boobs."

It was true. They'd finally grown. I had actual 'tits' as Edward would have called them. Between an A and a B cup, not quite either, but still. I had them.

And I'd finally had my period. Rosalie was the first to get it, unsurprisingly, in the seventh grade. Angela was next. Then Alice, even tiny pipsqueak Alice, had beaten me to the finish. I'd been fretting for months, thinking I was some anomaly. Weird. Unfit for reproduction.

But that summer it finally came and I used the pads Renee had been buying for me for two years in anticipation and I was proud. For about an hour.

Then, I started cramping. And I couldn't go to the beach in my cute bikini. And I felt too nauseous to flirt with the cute skim boarders. After five hours, I caught on to the mystery. Being a woman? Sucked!

I actually told Edward about it first, even before Renee. I texted him on my new cell phone about how it had finally happened. He knew about my fears. By the time he called me back hours later, I was miserable. I groaned and moaned and he told me to shut up because I could have multiple orgasms and I blushed and stopped talking.

Renee bought me several months worth of pads and tampons so I could prolong adding them to Charlie's grocery list as long as possible. Alice shrieked and freaked that I'd told Edward, saying boys would only think it was gross. I'd been waiting on it so long, I hadn't even considered that. But when I told her what he'd said, the thing about cramps being a payoff for not having a "refractory period" (whatever that meant) she just huffed that he would never have to go through childbirth.

In all honesty, the cramps seemed worth it, in a sick, masochistic way. I could have a baby now. Renee had never been embarrassed about sex or even childbirth (she'd had a better talk with Alice after her time came than Mrs. Brandon did), but I'd always been scared that something would go wrong if I had sex or even, God forbid, was raped before my body was ready for it. I knew it was irrational and crazy, but I couldn't help it. I thought I would die or something.

So though my first period turned out to be an awful, nauseating pain one that would continue regularly throughout the greatest years of my life, I was glad I told Edward.

Because he laughed and said it was no big deal. Because it didn't gross him out. Because he said he'd had his first "wet dream" when he was nine and it was just biology. Like he was talking about "incompatible habitats" or something. I shouldn't have been surprised, because he was a doctor's son and all.

But I should have been grossed out by his admission. I was just relieved. Even boys had to go through this shit, in their own way, and Edward, my best friend, didn't think it was gross. Even if he was a guy.

---

The first day of high school, I was nervous. More nervous than on the first day of middle school, but then, that was to be expected. We were older now, more conniving and mean now, and we were mixed. Both Forks Middle and that of the reservation were combined into one high school. And so we were all faced with new cliques, cliques that had been together since pre-school.

That wasn't what made me nervous.

No, I had my cliques. I had my special duo of me and Alice. I had my girls, Rose and Angie. I even had boys to call my own: Mike, Eric, Tyler, and sometimes Jas and Em.

No, that wasn't what made me nervous.

What made my stomach clench, and twinge, and do freaking flip-flops, was that I had school with _him._

This was new. We'd always ever been best friends but we had never gone to school together. I hadn't even thought about it with Alice, but then, she was my only best friend in Middle School and that was before she'd dated my _other_ best friend. I didn't know how it was going to work out.

As it was, I shouldn't have worried.

"Brain! Ali! Over here!"

The shout rang out across the parking lot as soon as we stepped out of Mrs. Brandon's car. It was Emmett. He was standing next to the front doors, beside Jasper, surrounded by a flock of girls, as always. For a moment, I had a sense of déjà vu, thinking back on my first day in the sixth grade.

It passed almost instantaneously. Jasper was kissing a girl. No, Jasper was _making out_ with a girl. I knew her. Her name was Maria and Edward had dated her, briefly, in the seventh grade. He'd called her "feisty." She was Jasper's age.

It didn't make a difference, really. I was expecting to be the lowly underclassman, the freshman, the nerd. I'd been in Jacksonville the past two summers, so I hadn't expected them to remember me. Not Em and Jas, the golden boys.

But it still stung. Em detached himself from his following and walked over to me and Ali. The glares were back, but they weren't the same. Em was looking at Rose, who had just walked up on Ali's other side. When he asked us where our first classes were, like he'd done three years ago, he offered to walk her.

I wasn't jealous. I'd always thought of Emmett like an overgrown teddy bear, a big brother. And Rose had always thought of him as something more. It wasn't a secret among us girls. We all wanted them to wind up together because they were perfect, obviously.

But I felt a twinge when she and Em walked away and Jas was still kissing that girl. Ali and I weren't special to them anymore. We were just freshman. And then Tyler came up, Tyler, who was already a shoe-in for the JV quarterback position, Tyler who hadn't spoken to Alice since they broke up almost two years ago. He offered to walk her to class; she accepted.

Then, there was just me. Just me, the nerd, with no clue where to go and Jasper too busy to tell me. I looked down at my schedule, trying to decipher the code of building names and room numbers, when I felt it.

_He _ was there. Edward. The one whose presence I could always sense ever since the day I'd realized my heart belonged to him. I knew he was close because the hair stood up on the back of my neck and my heart started beating harder.

But he could just be close and making out with some chick like Jasper. After all, they had a reputation now. I tried to quell my throbbing at his nearness with that thought.

It was a lost cause.

"Please tell me you have English first."

His always deep voice seemed even deeper, huskier, than it had over the phone all summer. His breath was hot and feeling it flow over the collar of my polo only made it hotter. He was so close behind me that if I turned my head, I was afraid (and excited) that I'd make contact. _Real_ contact. Lip contact.

I stepped forward a bit and turned around, smiling. The moment I saw him, my smile dropped. Along with my jaw.

He hadn't gelled his hair for once, but it was still sticking up all over the place like a bad case of bed head. Or a good case of sex hair. He was wearing dark jeans, a white t-shirt that hugged muscles he hadn't had before, and an unzipped black hoodie I just wanted to snuggle into. He was slouching slightly, bringing his green eyes more on my level. His jaw was more defined, the last of his baby fat had disappeared over the summer. And he was smirking. At me. Because I was ogling him and obviously liking what I saw.

"What?" I squeaked. I felt my face heat up, turning red. But this was no blush. I wasn't embarrassed, though I should have been. No, I was just hot, overheating, burning.

"I asked if you had English," he said, smirking even more. "Are you ok, Bella? You look a little flushed."

I scowled at him. "I'm fine. Stop laughing at me."

"I'm not laughing, Swan," he said. And laughed. He reached forward and took the schedule I had been studying.

"Perfect," he said. "Looks like we do have English together now. And Bio this afternoon."

"Oh, good," I said, slowly regaining my composure. He winked at me.

"Be my lab partner?"

"Hells no, Cullen," Jasper drawled, finally stepping away from his girl. "You are not stealing my lab partner."

"But babe," Maria whined, "I thought we were going to be partners."

I grimaced at her tone and Edward scowled at Jas.

"Yeah, man, aren't you going to pair up with your girl?"

Jasper shook his head. "No dice, Swan's always my partner."

"Yep," I said, winking at him. "Sorry, Cullen."

Edward pouted at me, but it just made him look ridiculous. I laughed and he huffed.

"Fine. But we better get to English." He wrapped and arm around my shoulder and threw a wave back at Jas. I took the opportunity to snuggle into his hoodie like I wanted to the moment I saw it. It smelled like him. And he smelled good, like, really fucking good.

"Comfy?" he asked with a chuckle. I just nodded and buried my face in further, wrapping my arm around his waist. We got some curious looks and raised eyebrows. I wasn't surprised, since I was Little Miss Perfect and he was the Bad Boy Player. Our reputations preceded us. I knew they thought I was his unlikely flavor of the week from how close we were, but it was silly. It was _just Edward_. And Edward was always touchy.

"Hi, Edward!" Three girls squealed in unison. I recognized Lauren and Kate standing with another girl whose boobs were so big it looked like she was about to fall over.

"Hello, ladies," he said and winked. They all blushed and started giggling. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he shrugged.

"What?"

"Ex or future girlfriends?" I asked.

"One ex, two future." God, he was cocky.

"Do you even know who Lauren and Kate are?"

"I do now. Thanks for the heads up," he winked at me. That boy winked so much it was like a facial tick. "The other one was Jessica."

"Ah, Jess, of course. I should have recognized those tits. I've heard so much about them," I said sarcastically. He laughed and opened the door to what I assumed was our English classroom. I hadn't even been paying attention to where we were going. I hoped he planned on walking me again the next day, since I would still have no clue where to find it.

"Cullen!" Mike shouted from the back row.

"Newton," Edward nodded, making his way over to sit us next to him. We broke apart to sit at our desks, and I shivered at the loss of contact.

"Cold?" Edward asked.

"A little."

Edward shrugged out of the hoodie--his t-shirt was long-sleeved, of course--and handed it to me. I immediately put it on and buried into it, breathing deeply. It was big on Edward, so it was huge on me, coming down to my knees. I zipped it up and it covered my corduroy mini-skirt completely.

When I looked up from my hoodie-and-scent induced bliss, Mike and Edward were both staring at me with strange looks. More specifically, they were staring at my legs. Like they wanted to eat them.

"What?" I asked. More of me was covered than before I put the sweatshirt on, so I didn't get why my legs were so appealing _now_.

"Bella," Mike said in a strained voice. "I think you should unzip that."

"Why?"

"Because it looks like you aren't wearing anything underneath," Edward said. "And while, trust me, I would have no problem with that, I think our English teacher would frown on me jumping you. I'd like to make a good first impression, if you don't mind."

I blushed and unzipped the hoodie. "Better?"

"Not really," Mike admitted, but his voice was less strained. Edward frowned at him slightly but then sat down. I sat in between them and pulled out my notebook just as the teacher called the class to order.

I tried to pay attention to what he was saying about the syllabi being passed out but it was no use. I was too busy trying to figure out what had just happened. I mean, I knew they were hormonal teenage boys, but that was a bit ridiculous. Though, if I was honest, I kinda liked it. I wasn't use to getting that reaction out of guys. That was Alice and Rose's deal.

I was shaken from my reverie by a note landing on my desk. I unfolded it and saw Edward's small, slanted scrawl. He always wrote in cursive but not neatly. I could only read his writing from years of practice.

_I like seeing you in my hoodie. _I almost laughed. Of course, he couldn't go five minutes without flirting. Even if I was the only girl around to flirt with. I wondered briefly what he did during baseball practice. Wink at the catcher? I wouldn't put it past him.

_Good, because it's mine now,_ I wrote back.

_Oh really? _He responded.

_Yep. Sorry, you're not getting it back._ He wasn't. Well, not until the smell faded. Then I might let him borrow it for a bit to get that scent back.

_Oh, I think I will. Haven't you heard? I'm Edward Cullen. I have no problem getting girls out of their clothes._

I snorted. God, could he _be_ more full of himself.

_I think you just met your kryptonite, sir. You're not getting _this_ girl out of _your_ clothes._

_We'll see about that._

I raised an eyebrow at his smirk. I shouldn't have done that. Edward could never turn down a challenge and the look on his face was making me nervous. _Nervous? It's just a freaking hoodie, Bella_, I scolded myself. So he'd probably get it back somehow. No biggie.

The bell rang and we got up and walked to the door. Edward didn't try to get the hoodie back, but I knew he was biding his time. He and Mike trailed behind me talking about the upcoming baseball try-outs. When we got to the door, a tall, strawberry blond was leaning against the wall, legs that went on for miles crossed in front of her.

"Hey, Edward," she said, pushing off the wall.

"Hi, Tanya. How was your break?" he asked, more polite than normal. I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Hot," she said, twirling her hair. Girls actually did that? For real?

"I'll bet," Edward smirked. "May I walk you to class?"

Tanya giggled and linked her arm with his. "Lead on."

"Later, Mike. Swan, I'll be getting that hoodie back later!"

"Not likely," I retorted.

"So, Bella," Mike said, sounding nervous. "Can I walk you to class?"

What was with these boys? I mean, it was nice and all, but us girls could walk ourselves, you know. I glanced at my timetable.

"Sure, I have history next."

"Cool, that's in Building A right?"

"Umm…" Okay, so maybe I needed some help. I had a map of the school in my messenger bag somewhere, but I was a bit directionally challenged.

Mike laughed. "Come on."

We didn't link arms or anything, just walking side by side. We caught up on each other's summers. Mike had helped out at his parent's store over the summer and saved up some money.

"Here we are," he said, stopping in front of a classroom. He looked down and shuffled his feet, nervous again.

"So, Bella, what's up with you and Cullen?" he asked.

"What?" I asked. "Nothing, Mike. We're just good friends, you know that."

"I wasn't sure," he said. He was so nervous that he was starting to turn a little green. I was kinda worried for him.

"But that's good. I mean, 'cause I was wondering if maybe you might, um, wannagoout?"

I almost laughed. Wanagoot? But then I figured out what he said.

"Oh!" I paused. Mike was a nice guy. He was cute, in a non-threatening, All-American sort of way. But I'd never thought much about it. He was… just Mike.

_Just _Mike_._

Was I going to keep putting boys in that "just" category forever? I'd never been kissed. Never had a boyfriend. Never even gone on a date. And now I was in high school, so Charlie wasn't holding me back…

"Sure," I said, smiling.

"Really? I was thinking we could maybe go to Port Angeles for dinner and a movie? On Friday? I mean, my mom's already going to be going there since she has a meeting with her book club so she can drive us and--"

"That sounds great," I said, cutting of his rambling. "Pick me up at?"

"Six," he said.

"It's a date." The final warning bell rang, so I smiled at him and went in the classroom.

My concentration in History was no better than it had been in English. I had a date! A date… with Mike. I liked him well enough. I mean, not like I liked Edward, but still.

_You can't just kiss a guy like Edward and not know what you're doing!_

It didn't matter. Edward and I were _just_ friends. He probably made similar arrangements with Tanya after walking her to class. And so what if I wasn't in love with Mike? It was just a date.

My first date.

---

I filled Alice in our my plans with Mike in our Algebra class. She was thrilled.

_You have to let me come over Friday to dress you! _Her note said. _And don't worry, Mike's a good kisser. I mean, not as good as Edward, but still!_

I'd almost forgotten about Alice dating Mike in the seventh grade until she said that. But for some reason, it didn't bother me as much as the second part, the part about kissing Edward. I decided not to think about it.

_Sure thing. I can't believe I actually have a date,_ I wrote back.

_Believe it, girl! You are so going to be hott stuff this year. I can just tell._

I rolled my eyes. Alice could 'just tell' about a lot of things. Admittedly, most of the time she was right.

_So Tyler, huh? _I wrote. _What's up with that?_

_I have no idea, I swear. But he has gotten pretty cute since we dated. Who knows? Maybe it's time to "revisit" that._

I laughed. Only Ali.

When the bell rang, we linked arms and made our way to the cafeteria for lunch. I felt the butterflies fill my stomach again like they had that morning. Seriously, was there anything scarier than entering a high school cafeteria? I didn't think so.

Alice and I got in the lunch line and took plates of the Pizza Hut's delivered pizza. Neither of us trusted the meatloaf the lunch crew had made. We were walking to an empty table when someone came between us and linked arms with us both.

"So, how's the first day going, ladies?" Jasper asked.

"Good," I said. "Though I did have to watch my friend play tonsil hockey with this Maria chick earlier."

I couldn't resist teasing him. It was so unlike Jasper. Sure enough, the tips of his ears turned pink.

"That so?" he asked, sounding slightly strangled.

"Yep," Ali said. "It was so gross. I thought they were going to eat each others' faces off."

"How about that," he responded. The pink was spreading to his cheeks. Alice and I giggled as he led us to a table. Emmett and Rosalie were already sitting down, deep in conversation.

"Think it's finally gonna happen?" Jasper asked us in a low voice, looking at them. Alice and I raised our eyebrows.

"Wait, you knew?" I asked.

"Duh," Jas said. "He's been in love with her for years."

"Emmett!?" Alice whisper-shrieked.

"Who else?" he asked.

"Rose," I answered, feeling slightly guilty. "She's always had a thing for him."

"How about that?" Jasper said again. We all grinned. Suddenly, I felt two arms wrap around my waist.

"Still enjoying that hoodie?" _he_ whispered in my ear. He was so close. I could feel the muscles of his chest against my back; his lips brushing my earlobe.

"Yes," I said, in a thankfully calm voice. "Have you had a chance to say goodbye to it properly?"

"The only way I could do that is to get it on my bedroom floor," he said. I blushed.

"Aww, look!" Ali said. "Doesn't the unresolved sexual tension make you want to cry?"

"No," Jasper said, his voice hard.

Edward released me and gave Alice and awkward hug around her shoulders from behind.

"Hey, pixie, how have you been?"

"Awesome," she said. "How were Tanya's tits?"

Emmett finally looked up from Rose and started laughing.

"Seriously, dude? Couldn't you have found somewhere more, I don't know, secluded?" he said.

"I thought the hallway was perfectly secluded for a grope-fest, Em," Rose said, sarcastically.

"What did I miss?" I asked.

"Just another game of 'tonsil hockey,' as you so lovingly call it," Jasper said. "He and Tanya were going at it before second period."

"And third," Alice squeaked.

"Hey now," Edward said, "I made a decent woman of her! We're going out on Friday."

"You could double with Mike and Bella!" Alice said. I felt the urge to stab her suddenly.

"Mike?" Emmett asked, looking amused. Rose was looking at me expectantly. Alice was grinning. Jas and Edward were scowling.

I shrugged. "We're going out on Friday. No biggie."

Edward sat next to me and grabbed me in a hug.

"Our little Bella's growing up so fast," he mock-cried.

"Shut up!" I said, trying to break his hold on my shoulders.

"About time," Angela said, sitting down by Rose. "That boy's been head-over-heels for you since you got here."

"Seriously," Rose added.

"It's no big deal!" I insisted. "Now, speaking of head-over-heels… Rose? Em? Is there anything you would like to share?"

"NO!" They both blurted out, turning identical shades of crimson. We all laughed. After some teasing. the conversation turned, as it always did, to baseball.

"Nice deflection, Swan," Edward whispered in my ear. "Don't think this conversation is done though."

I pulled the hood over my head, shielding my ears from his unsettlingly close lips.

"Whatever," I whispered. "You're still not getting it back."

Edward laughed.


	6. Chapter Five

**AN: Wow! You guys rock my world. Seriously, you DOUBLED my reviews on the last chapter. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you! **

**Now, warnings for this chapter: We got a little bit of Mike (eww…), some underage drinking, smoking, cursing, and general mischief. AND we got some Jacob, so all haters beware, and please, give the kid a chance. I promise, Edward will come out on top in the end, but Bella deserves to have a little fun too. **

**Apologies for the cliché Halloween party, but I got my broken bad boy with the help of a sexy devil costume. What can I say? This story makes me nostalgic. :) Also, didn't get the chance to go edit this one as much as I usually do, so sorry for any mistakes I didn't catch!  
**

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight or any recognizable characters. I'm not making any money off this. Just having a little fun.**_

**---**

**Chapter Five**

The rest of the week continued much the same. Edward walked me to English. Mike walked me to history. Jas and I partnered in Bio, and Edward and Maria paired up by default. They flirted obviously, but Jas didn't seem to mind. Even when Edward put his hand on her thigh, he just smirked and went back to the worksheet we were working on.

Alice talked to Tyler a bit more, but she was more interested in this guy Nick in her art class that had been to the reservation middle. Em walked Rose to every class and asked her out, finally, for Friday, but they were official before the date even got there. I finally got the chance to use Alice's favorite term, _unresolved sexual tension_, on someone else for once, but it didn't last long. Their tonsil hockey was like nothing ever seen in the halls of Forks High before.

_So, wearing something sexy tonight?_ Edward's note read on Friday, in our English class. He hadn't let up on the distraction tactics since we'd started school.

_Probably. Alice is coming over to dress me up,_ I wrote back.

_Look out, Mikey! There's a new Swan in town._

I laughed. I was wearing his sweatshirt for the third day in a row, but he hadn't brought it up or tried to take it back. Now he was commenting on my date attire?

_Planning on looking good for Tanya?_ I quipped.

_I always look good, Bella._

It was almost as though nothing had changed. For the most part, it hadn't. For the most part, he was still the flirt, the attention whore, the class clown. But sometimes I caught him before class or lunch, gathering courage to enter the doors.

In those moments, he was vulnerable. He was hurting and broken. He was _my_ Edward, my little rambunctious vampire boy.

And in those moments, my heart broke. Throbbed.

So I linked arms with him. I flirted. I bantered about the hoodie he wasn't trying to take back.

I helped him play the role, keep up the façade of the Player Bad Boy. And I was just his best friend, the nerd, Little Miss Perfect, who was so good the bad couldn't touch her. But we were both playing, because I knew he was hurting, and if he was hurting, I was hurting.

I never told him that. I couldn't. I just had to be there for him. Unconditionally.

So I was.

When he made out with his ex, Melissa, and Tanya caught him and slapped him, I was there.

When Tanya refused to cancel their date because he was too good of a catch to pass up, I was there,

When Carlisle tried to tell him how important his high school grades were in the long run, when it came to getting into the med school of _Carlisle's _choice, I was there.

When he called me late Thursday night and told me how hard it was to see Ali flirting with other boys and to see Em and Jas so happy with their girls, I was there for him.

What else could I do?

He was my boy.

----

"Perfect!" Alice pronounced after _only_ three hours of work. I was dolled up in a casual, light blue sundress that made me feel like I was trying too hard. What was more? She'd conned me into mascara and lip gloss.

I would have killed her if I weren't so afraid the sudden movement would make me sick.

My nerves were shot. It was Friday. Friday, the day of my first date. My date with Mike.

Edward had come over earlier, looking stunning in a gray, long-sleeved, button-down and black jeans. After two hours of Alice's mania, he gave up and claimed he had to go get Tanya. He was taking them to the diner in town and then out bowling, since the alley was close enough to walk to. It wasn't fancy, but it sounded nicer than my over-the-top dinner and a movie in PA with Mike.

I knew, in the back of my mind, that it wasn't so much _what_ we were doing as it was _who _we were doing it with. Edward could have taken me to the grand opera, and I would have felt comfortable. Mike could take me to McDonald's and I would feel awkward.

Edward didn't seem to feel the same. He was completely relaxed the entire time he was over, seeming like he didn't also have a date that night. I mean, I knew he'd been on dates before. Tons of them. But his confidence only made me more nervous.

Alice finally left and went back home right before Mike showed up. He looked nice. He was wearing a white Oxford and blue jeans. Same level of casual-formality as me. That was a relief, at least.

In all my worrying, I hadn't even thought about the drive, though that turned out to be the most awkward part of the night. His mom was driving, since we were both too young, and though Mike sat in the back with me, all her questions were directed my way.

Finally, we reached the restaurant. It was Italian, and like Alice had commanded, I avoided all red sauces, ordering the mushroom ravioli instead. I thought, briefly, of Edward when I gave the waitress my order. Edward couldn't eat mushrooms.

Without his mom around, conversation between us was easy and light. We didn't talk about anything serious but the chatter never lulled. Honestly, it felt more like talking with Emmett or Jasper or any other friend at lunch than a date. Though I didn't know what I was expecting, anyway. At least it was comfortable.

We finished the meal and hiked over to the movie theater. I ruled out the slasher/horror flicks and Mike insisted on the comedy because it had Will Ferrell in it. I wasn't a fan, as I knew thanks to Alice's movie marathons, but I didn't fight it. At least it wasn't _Saw II_.

After the movie, Mrs. Newton drove us home, thankfully leaving us in relative silence. Mike walked me up to my door, and I wondered if he was going to try and kiss me. I wasn't sure I wanted him to.

"I hate that my mom's here," he said by way of explanation when he gave me an awkward hug.

"It's okay," I said. And it was. As easy as the date had been, I didn't want Mike to be my first kiss. I knew that now.

---

On Tuesday, Mike asked me out again. I turned him down, saying I tried but I just didn't see him the same way. All he said was _Fucking Cullen. _ I didn't know what to make of it.

Emmett was dating Rose, finally. Angela was flirting with this guy Ben. Alice still had Tyler and that Nick guy around her constantly.

Which left me. Well, me and Edward.

I knew he was dating Tanya; it wasn't a secret. But he still walked me to English and sat with us at lunch rather than with her friends. He said it was no big deal. He said he still planned on getting that hoodie back, the hoodie I wore every day. And I felt special.

He flirted relentlessly. With Tanya, with the girls we passed in the halls, with me. Even, sometimes, with Ali, which made me kinda sick.

But when it was just us, when no one was around to see, he didn't flirt. He crumbled.

And I held him. I held him up, I held him together, I held him any way I knew how.

And it seemed to help.

---

_So we're totally going to Em's party, right? _Alice passed me the note in our history class.

It was the week before Halloween, and Emmett's parents were going to be out of town. We'd been invited to our first, true, high school party. It made me nervous.

_I don't know. I mean, what if Charlie finds out?_ I wrote back.

_God, Bella! Live a little! _That phrase again. _You tell Charlie you're staying with Angela. I tell the 'rents I'm staying with Rose. Ang says she's staying with me and Rose's parents don't give a shit. Trust me, we're covered._

We'd been plotting for weeks, trying to figure out a way that the "rents," as Alice called them, wouldn't catch on. It wasn't like we were being irresponsible. We were all too young to drive, except for Emmett, and he had assured us that we could stay at his place. According to Ali, the plan was "foolproof."

I was still nervous.

"What's the matter, Swan?" Edward asked when he sat beside me at lunch. "Costume complications got your panties in a twist?"

"You wish," I smirked at him. He had seemed a little happier in the week since he called it off with Tanya.

Of course, he cut himself when they broke up. He hurt himself because he couldn't deal with hurting her, and she had said he broke her heart. She accused him of cheating.

She started dating a Junior named Brian before the week was out. Obviously, she hadn't really cared. Didn't make a difference. In Edward's book, it was just one more example of his failure. And so I had stayed up with him on the phone. Begging. Pleading.

He didn't really listen, but at least he didn't cut himself again.

---

"Isn't it a little lesbian-ish to wear matching costumes?" Rose asked.

"That just makes it hotter," Ali pronounced, twirling so her white dress spun out around her. She was dressed as an angel in a pretty white dress, small feathery wings, and a gold band resting on her choppy, black hair as a halo. She'd cut it before school started and it made her look even more like a pixie than normal.

I was dressed as a devil. It was supposed to be ironic, role-reversal or something. I'd let Alice pick out our costumes, knowing I wouldn't really have a say anyway. I wished I hadn't. While Alice's costume made her look pretty and tantalizingly innocent, my tight, red, sequined dress was blatantly sexy. I teetered on my red, three-inch heels, not even trying to spin because I knew I'd wind up on my ass. Red horns peeked out from my hair, which was teased and curled in what Rose decreed was "the ultimate sex hair."

I'd rolled my eyes and told her that title belonged only to Edward.

Rose was dressed as a Barbie doll in a hot pink mini-dress and pumps. Em had refused to match her as Ken, claiming he didn't know where to buy plastic underwear. Instead, he was going as a firefighter. We had all groaned at the thought of ceaseless "fire in my pants" comments that he was sure to make all night long.

Angela looked hott (with two T's) in a naughty librarian get up. I was shocked that she let Alice talk her into it, but I had a feeling the ass-hugging pencil skirt was more for Ben's sake than Alice's. They had finally made it official last week.

Rose had talked her older brother Royce into driving us to Em's house. I shrugged on Edward's hoodie before walking out the door, nodding at Alice's command that it came off the moment we got there. I was glad I had it to cover me up, though. The looks Royce was giving Alice and Angela were just plain creepy.

The party was in full swing when we arrived. Cars were parked down the street and in the grass; the throb of the bass from the speakers could be heard as soon as we opened the car door. Royce peeled out, leaving us girls to link arms and make our way through the front door.

The place was packed. It looked like everyone from Forks High was in attendance. Ben came over to Angela immediately attacking her in a kiss. He was dressed as a professor in fake glasses and a tweed blazer. We left them and made our was to the kitchen where we could already hear Emmett's booming voice commanding people to chug.

In the kitchen, surrounding the keg, we found Eric, Mike, and Jasper downing red solo cups of beer as quickly as possible. Eric must have been going for irony too, since he was dressed as a football player. Mike was cute in his superman costume. Jas was rocking green-tinged John Lennon glasses and a fringed brown vest over a tie-dyed tee. He and Maria had gone come as hippies. I thought they looked adorable.

"Holy hell, Ladies!" Emmett greeted us. "Are you girls trying to give me a heart attack? Y'all look…" Wait for it. "Smokin' hott!"

Alice and I groaned at the first fire-themed joke of many, but Rose just sauntered over and pulled him down for a searing kiss.

"Can I get you ladies anything to drink?" Jasper asked us. Alice and I nodded and he reached for the solo cups to get us a beer.

"Hold up. I think these two need some _tequila_ to start," said a low, velvet voice behind us.

Edward was leaned against the fridge wearing a black button down and black slacks. He eyed me head-to-toe, his green eyes blazing. I was about to ask him what he was supposed to be when his eyes finally made it back up to my face and he grinned crookedly and I saw them.

Fangs.

"A vampire!" I asked, cracking up. "Seriously?"

"I knew you'd appreciate it," he said with a smirk.

"I don't get it," Alice said. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," Edward said, his eyes never leaving mine. "Well, other than the thought of you being an angel."

She hit his chest. "I'm quite sure I don't know what you are implying, sir," she said haughtily. "Now, did someone mention tequila?"

Edward pushed off from the fridge and started pouring shots while Jas cut a lime. Alice whispered an explanation to me so I knew what to do with the salt Rose passed me. Lifting our shots in the air, Emmett boomed, "To Halloween!"

We all licked salt from our wrists, downed the shot, and sucked the lime. I was surprised at how quickly the citrus cut the taste of the liquor. It was actually kind of good.

"Why on earth didn't you bring limes last time?" I asked Edward. He shrugged.

"I was 12, what the hell did I know?"

"Whoa! Bella, you drank when your were 12?" Emmett asked, obviously surprised.

"What can I say, I was surrounded by bad influences." Alice and Edward high-fived and everyone started laughing.

"Now," Jasper said, handing me and Ali our cups of beer. "Can we get this party started?"

We all made our way to the living room where the furniture had been pushed aside to create a dance space. I let Alice drag me forward and tried not to spill my beer as we danced. Edward was sandwiched immediately by Lauren and Kate and when I caught his eye he winked at me and mouthed "Told you!" I rolled my eyes and kept moving.

When we'd both finished our beers, Alice went to the kitchen to get refills. I looked around. Kate was now grinding on Tyler. Lauren was in the corner locking lips with an obviously intoxicated Mike. Edward was no where to be seen.

I was flushed and hot from the exertion of dancing, so I tapped Angela on the shoulder and signaled that I was going out back for some air. I immediately wrapped my arms around my torso when I got outside, wishing I hadn't left my hoodie in the kitchen.

"Cold?" a voice asked to my left. I looked over and saw Edward leaning against the side of the house. He was always leaning on something, I thought. How Jordan Catalano.

I walked closer to him and made out the lit cigarette between his fingers.

"Since when do you smoke?" I asked. He shrugged and brought it up to his lips to take a drag. I knew it was wrong, but I'd always thought there was something kinda sexy about smoking. When his ruby lips parted to let the smoke billow out of his mouth slowly, I felt myself flush. The glimpse I caught of his fangs only made the sight hotter.

"Since this summer," he finally responded.

"Have to be self-destructive, don't you?" There was no judgment in my tone, though even I could hear the small twinge of sadness. Edward flicked the cigarette away and held his arms out.

"Come here."

I fell into his embrace, grateful for the warmth of his arms around me. I wrapped mine around his waist and propped my chin on his chest to look up at him.

"You look sinfully beautiful tonight, Bella," he whispered.

"Well, I am the devil," I said in an equally low voice. His chest bounced against me as he chuckled.

"In that case, I must say that you look absolutely… bitable."

I snickered but when he suddenly leaned down and dragged his fangs along my neck, my breath hitched. My stomach was suddenly full of butterflies and my heart started racing. He must have seen it because he placed a small kiss on my pulse point before leaning back. For a moment, we just stood there, staring into each others eyes. I watched his emotions flicker across his green depths. Amusement, contentment, desire… pain.

I stood up on my tip-toes right as he began to lean down. Here it is, I thought. My first kiss. With Edward.

"There you guys are!" Alice voice rang out right before our lips met. "I've been looking all over for you."

We broke apart as she came over and handed me my cup.

"Thanks," I muttered, sounding not at all grateful.

"I think I could use another shot. Ladies?" Edward gestured to the door, allowing us to make our way back into the kitchen. He poured three shots of whiskey from one of the bottles that lined the counter.

"To best friends!" Alice shrieked.

"Friends," I muttered, clinking our glasses together. The whiskey burned down my throat and I followed Alice's lead in chasing it with a gulp of beer. Edward poured himself another shot and held it up to us.

"To my two favorite women," he said with a smirk, downing it. I felt that old twinge of pride at being special, being more important than all those other girls, but it was tinged with resentment. I didn't want to be one of two. I didn't want to be 'best friends'.

I wanted to be his one and only.

We stayed in the kitchen for a while, drinking and laughing and reminiscing about old times. Before long, Nick and Kate came to drag them back onto the dance floor. I walked over to the dining room where a game of poker was being played. I'd only been watching a minute when I felt two arms pulling me down into one of the player's laps. I turned and saw Billy's son, Jacob.

"Hey Jake!" I said brightly. We'd never been too close, since most of the time I was on the res was spent fishing and he never came. But he was always friendly. His grin reminded me a bit of Emmett.

"Hey Bells! Do you mind being my good luck charm? I really need the help."

"Sure," I chirped. The shots were finally catching up with me and I felt giddy and excited for no real reason. When the next hand was dealt, I leaned back on his chest. His touch didn't rile me up like Edward's did, but I felt content and safe in his arms. He whispered in my ear as he played, explaining the rules. When he won the hand, he kissed me on the cheek.

"I knew you'd be lucky," he said.

"So long as you don't think you're getting lucky," I flirted back, winking at him. A look of shock passed briefly over his face before he threw his head back and laughed. I knew the alcohol running through my veins was making me more forward than normal, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

He played a few more hands, sometimes chatting with me about things down at the reservation, sometimes flirting. At one point, he put his hand on the bare skin of my thigh, below the hem of my skirt. I didn't remove it.

As the party was winding down, along with my alcohol buzz, his friend Embry came and said they were heading out. I walked him to the door, since I'd planned on staying in one of Emmett's guest rooms. He stopped before leaving and turned to me.

"I had a really good time hanging out with you tonight, Bells. Maybe we could do it again sometime?"

"Absolutely," I said, smiling at him. It had been a good time. I'd had a lot of fun. And I hadn't thought of Edward once.

That is, I hadn't thought of him until Jake leaned down to kiss me. For a moment, I felt guilty, but I pushed the thought away. Edward and I were just friends. Just.

I let him kiss me. His lips were dry and soft as they pressed against mine. He pulled back a bit, tilting his head before brushing them against my lips again. Without thinking, my lips parted and he deepened the kiss, his warm tongue darting into my mouth and meeting mine. It felt good. Like, really good.

The sound of a throat being cleared behind me made us break apart. I turned and saw Jasper scowling at Jake.

"Party's over," he said. I ignored him and turned back to Jake.

"I'll see you around," I said.

"Sure, sure. See you, Bella!" Jake ran to get into Embry's car. When I closed the door, Jasper was still there, still scowling.

"How much did you have to drink tonight?" he asked me.

"Not much," I said, rolling my eyes. "Seriously, Jas, I'm almost sober. You don't have to go all big brother over this."

"Trust me, Bella, I'm not being your brother." He then stormed off to the kitchen. I didn't know what to make of his remark, but I was too busy being happy about that kiss to worry.

I'd been kissed! Finally, finally kissed! I raced to the living room, looking for Alice so I could tell her all about it.

Instead, I found Edward. And Kate. Edward and Kate making out on the couch, his hand under her top.

Suddenly, I wasn't so excited any more. In fact, I felt sick. I knew it was hypocritical, since I'd just been kissing another boy, but I couldn't help it. I turned and went up the stairs to the guest room where I was staying. Alice was already passed out in the center of the bed. I took my shoes off and squeezed in next to her.

I refused to cry for him that night.


	7. Chapter Six

-1**AN: I still love all of you readers more than anything! But… I didn't get a chance to respond to your reviews this week. I'm sorry! I read and loved every single one! But I'm going into exams and figured, well, you'd rather have the next chapter, right? **

**Whole lotta Jake in this chapter, but don't worry- there's some good times with Edward too! And a little bit of Jasper (since y'all seem so keen on him ;-) ). Enjoy!**

**---**

**Chapter Six**

I woke up the next morning unable to move. Opening my eyes, I saw Alice's face pressed into my chest, one of her legs flung over my hips. Edward's arms were wrapped around my waist from behind, his face in my hair. I smiled. I stayed trapped in their embrace, reveling in the feeling of having my two best friends wrapped around me.

My resentment from the night before was gone. Edward was my best friend, and while I sometimes wanted more, I was grateful for what I had.

I thought back to my kiss with Jake. It almost seemed like a dream, a little hazy in my mind. But it had happened. I'd gotten my first kiss and it had been good and I had butterflies in my stomach. I was content snuggling in their arms and replaying the previous night in my mind when Emmett's voice boomed from the doorway.

"Threesome? Nice!"

Alice and Edward both groaned. Ali rolled away and sat up, rubbing her eyes. Edward squeezed me tighter, mumbling something about "fucking overgrown toddlers."

"Morning, Em," I called out, still unable to get up and look at him.

"Morning, Bella!" he said. "Who's ready for breakfast?"

"If you don't have Lucky Charms, I'm going to fucking stab you," Alice warned.

"Um, Captain Crunch?" Emmett said, sounding nervous. I chuckled to think of that huge boy being afraid of little Ali. Though, she did sound pretty fierce.

"What's the matter, Ali?" Edward croaked, his voice still heavy with sleep. "Have too much to drink last night?"

"Fuck you," she groaned. "Please tell me I did not make out with Eric Yorkie."

"Eric! I shrieked. Both Alice and Edward flinched at my high pitch. Emmett laughed.

"Sorry, Alice. Maybe we shouldn't have given you that third shot of tequila."

"You think?" she grumbled. Edward chuckled and I reach around to poke him in the side.

"You're one to talk. How were Kate's tits? You sure had a handful of them last night."

"Nice, dude!" Emmett said. Edward finally released his hold on me and sat up.

"Which one is Kate again? I get her and Lauren confused."

"You're such a pig!" Alice said.

We all got up and followed Emmett to the kitchen. Jasper, Rose, and Angela were already at the counter, looking as sleepy and hung-over as the rest of us. Alice and Jasper seemed the worst off. I was lucky enough to just have a bit of a headache.

"Okay," Emmett said, pulling out the cereal. "So Alice made out with Eric. Edward hooked up with either Kate or Lauren. And then they had a hot threesome with Bella." I threw a piece of toast at him. "Any other hook ups we need to know about?"

"I got to third with this hot football player," Rose smirked. Emmett winked at her while I gaped along with Ali and Ang.

"You are so giving us the deets on that," Alice said. "But later. I think I might throw up if you told me now. Actually, I might throw up anyway."

"Bella kissed Jacob Black," Jasper said quietly. I blushed and scowled at him, trying to ignore everyone else's eye.

"Oh my GOD!" Alice squealed and then flinched at the sound of her own voice. She recovered quickly. "Are you serious? Is he serious? How could you not tell me?! Your first kiss! Was it good? Jacob's pretty hott; I bet he was good. When did it--"

"Alice!" I cut off her rambling. "Yes, he's serious. I didn't tell you because you were passed out. Yes, it was good. It happened when he was leaving. No, I don't know what's going on, but he asked if we could hang out again." I anticipated her next line of questioning.

"Good for you, Bella. Black's a nice kid. Good defensive end," Emmett said.

"Right, because being a good football player makes you a good person," Edward grumbled, glaring at his cereal.

"I'm happy for you, Bella," Angela said sweetly.

"Thanks," I said.

We ate the rest of our breakfast in relative silence and started to help Em clean up some of the mess. Before long, Royce was there to pick us up. I pulled on my hoodie, looking forward to a hot shower and a change of clothes.

Edward caught me as I walked out the door. He was looking down at his shoes, not meeting my eyes.

"Can I call you later?" he asked.

"Of course," I said, giving him a hug. "Later."

I walked to the car feeling a little nervous. Edward didn't seem very happy and I hoped he wasn't going to hurt himself. I wasn't sure why he would, unless he was feeling guilty about the Kate thing. A little voice in the back of my head wondered if it was about me and Jake but I ignored it.

We were just best friends.

_Just._

---

Edward called me later that night. He seemed glum but refused to talk about it. After making him promise he wasn't going to cut himself, I let it go. We chatted for a bit, gossiping about our friends and the shenanigans that had gone down at the party. He seemed to be a little better by the time we hung up.

Jake was waiting for me in the parking lot when Mrs. Brandon pulled up on Monday. He opened my door and helped me out, grinning down at me. He was really tall, which I hadn't really noticed before, and built, though not as much as Emmett. I was a lucky girl.

Alice winked at me before leaving us to go do Eric Yorkie damage-control.

"Can I walk you to class?" Jake asked. I hesitated for a moment, scanning the lot for Edward who always walked me to English. When I spotted him, he was leaning into the side of the main building, making out with Kate.

"Sure," I said, giving him a genuine smile. He took my messenger bag from me and grabbed my hand. As we walked, he filled me in on the rest of his weekend. My dad had spent Sunday on the reservation with Billy and apparently Jake had gone fishing with them.

"But you never fish!" I said.

"Thought it might be time to make a good impression on the Chief," he said, smirking at me. I blushed.

"Did you catch anything?"

"Oh yeah, got a whopper. This big!" He dropped my hand for a moment to spread his arms wide. "It was legendary. Of course, I had to toss it back because it was such a worthy opponent."

"Of course," I laughed at his fib. "I've heard about that one. Charlie and Billy both caught it when they were in high school too."

"Right," he chuckled. We reached my class and he squeezed my hand.

"I'll see you at lunch?" he asked. I nodded, feeling a little apprehensive. Did he expect me to sit with him? Did I want to?

I walked into English and saw Edward and Mike had already taken their seats. Mike looked half asleep, but Edward was wide awake and glaring. At me.

"Hey," I said awkwardly as I sat down between them.

"Where were you?" he asked.

"Jake walked me to class. I was going to tell you but you were too busy playing tonsil hockey with Kate."

Edward had the decency to look embarrassed. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

That was the first class that Edward didn't pass me any notes. When lunchtime rolled around, Jake bought my pizza and invited me to sit with his friends. Edward was sitting with Kate and Lauren, so I accepted. It wasn't like there was anything holding me back.

---

I sat with Jake at lunch every day that week. He asked me out for Friday and I accepted. I was really starting to like him. He was, as Em had put it, a good guy. He obviously loved his dad, who he talked about all the time, and his two older sisters who were away at college. He told me a bit about the car he was restoring--apparently he was a bit of a mechanic. I didn't understand a word, but I thought the idea of him covered in grease and sweat was kinda hott.

He and his friends, Embry and Quil, were a hoot. It was obvious they'd been friends as long as Alice and Edward and I, but they were quick to fill me in on all their inside jokes and make me feel included. Leah, Harry's daughter, sat with us too. I was finally getting past her intimidating coldness and we talked a lot about last season's baseball games and speculated on the new high school team.

Edward had been named pitcher for the junior varsity team, unsurprisingly. Jas was first baseman and Mike was second. I was looking forward to going to their games.

Edward seemed to be dating Kate, but we never really discussed it. We never really discussed anything, it seemed. Jake walked me to class every morning, and Edward had stopped distracting me with notes. While I was sure it was good for my GPA, I missed it. I missed him.

On Thursday, Jake asked me about the hoodie I still wore every day. When I told him it was Edward's he scowled. He showed up on Friday with his own sweatshirt, a gray Forks Middle pull-over. I didn't want to switch, but I knew it would hurt his feelings if I refused. When I walked into English and saw the pain in Edward's eyes as he took in my new attire, I wanted to take it back.

Instead, I just handed him back his hoodie. He accepted it without a word.

On Friday, Charlie and I went to the reservation to have a fish fry dinner with Jake and Billy. I wasn't sure what Charlie knew about me and Jake, but Billy must have told him something because they made sly remarks that had me blushing through the whole meal.

Still, I was glad Charlie seemed to approve. After dinner, Charlie and Billy went to the living room to watch a football game and Jake suggested a walk on the beach. I pulled on his sweatshirt and let him lead the way down to the dunes.

We walked along the water's edge for a while in comfortable silence. Jake had an arm around my shoulder and it made me feel safe, like always. Eventually, we spotted a bonfire up ahead.

"That's probably Sam," Jake said.

"Who?"

"Sam. He's a senior and a bit of a trouble-maker. He and his friends are into some pretty hardcore stuff, but they shouldn't bother us."

I shrugged and we kept walking towards the fire. When we got close enough to make out the crowd, I smelled something that made me wrinkle my nose in disgust.

"What _is_ that?" I asked.

"Pot," Jake said. I was immediately nervous. It wasn't like I didn't know about people doing drugs at Forks High, but my dad was Chief of Police so I stayed away from that stuff. Thankfully, none of the crowd seemed bothered by our presence and let us pass with just a few greetings directed at Jake.

I looked over at the bonfire and was surprised to see Maria and Jasper sitting on one of the logs. She was busy sucking at his neck, but his eyes were on me. They looked squinty and a little bloodshot.

"Does Jasper smoke pot?" I whispered. Jake shrugged.

"I don't know. Maria does, so it wouldn't surprise me."

"Care to join us?" An older boy asked, earning a few chuckles from the group.

"We're good," Jake said. "Thanks, Sam."

"Aw, come on. Can't be a goody-goody forever Jakey," said another boy I recognized from the football team. I think his name was Paul. Jake ignored him, tightening his grip on my shoulder, and kept walking.

Once we'd made it a good distance from the fire, Jake stopped and turned me so I was facing him.

"Sorry about that."

"No problem," I said. "So you're a goody-two-shoes too, huh?"

"Apparently," he chuckled. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, looking serious.

"Can I kiss you, Bella?"

I nodded and turned my head up to his. He brought his lips down to mine and it was just like before. Soft, dry lips, light pressure molding them to mine. He licked my bottom lip and I opened to let him in. Our tongues battled for a moment before he pulled away, panting slightly.

"You are so beautiful," he said, his thumb tracing my jaw.

"Did you know, you're sort of beautiful yourself," I smirked. He chuckled.

"We should probably be getting back," he whispered leaning down again.

"Mmm," I said, recapturing his lips with mine. We kissed a bit longer before breaking apart and heading home. On the way back, I didn't look up to see if Jasper was still there. I hoped he wasn't.

---

Saturday night, we had the Cullens over for dinner. I was a bit nervous about how it would go, since Edward hadn't really been talking to me all week, but he seemed fine when they got there. Dinner went smoothly, the only awkward point when Esme asked if I was seeing anyone. I froze, not sure of how to respond, but Edward answered for me.

"She's going out with Jacob Black," he said, his tone betraying nothing. Charlie smirked at me.

"Billy's over the moon about it. Apparently, our Jake is pretty smitten."

"Dad!" I said, shaking my head. "We're just hanging out. It's no big deal."

"Well I'm happy for you, dear," Esme said nicely. "Now, if only our Edward could find a nice girl."

"What happened to Kate?" I asked looking over at him. He scowled and shook his head slightly.

"Who?" Carlisle asked.

"Oh," I said, trying to recover, "nothing. Just this girl who has a crush on him. I thought they had something going on."

"Is that so?" Esme asked.

"It's nothing," Edward growled. Thankfully, the topic was dropped after that and shifted to some bear attacks that had been happening in the area.

After dinner, Edward and I went to the kitchen to do the dishes while our parents stayed in the living room.

"So," I said cautiously, "there's nothing going on with you and Kate?"

"I let her suck me off in the boys locker room, if that's what you're asking," he said harshly. "But no, we're not dating."

I was a bit shocked. I knew he and Tanya had gotten to third base when they'd been dating back in September, but it didn't seem like Edward to go that far without some sort of commitment, however short-lived.

"Is everything ok?" I asked.

"Why did you give me back my hoodie?" he asked. The non-sequitur threw me off guard, and I didn't know how to respond.

"Jake didn't like it," I said quietly. "He wanted me to wear his. And besides, it didn't smell like you anymore."

"Smell like me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. I nodded and blushed.

"And what do I smell like, Bella?"

I'd spent weeks trying to answer that very question. It wasn't any one thing. Freshly-cut grass, damp earth, sprinklers and sunshine, sweat….

"You smell like summer," I whispered, looking up at him.

His eyes suddenly clouded over in a storm of emotion, the dish he was washing forgotten in the sink.

"I want to kiss you, Bella," he said, his already low voice dropping an octave.

I froze. What was I supposed to do? I liked him, loved him, but that was wrong. I was dating Jake. And Jake was a good guy, who didn't deserve to get hurt. But I couldn't lie.

"I want you to kiss me, too," I whispered.

He raised his wet hands from the soapy water in the sink and gripped my waist, soaking through my t-shirt. He pulled my chest to his and bent down. I recognized the look on his face. It was the one reserved for the baseball diamond: determination.

But it was threaded with something else. Desire.

We stared at each other for a moment, frozen and conflicted, before he made up his mind. He bent down to kiss me.

"Wait," I whispered. He stopped and looked at me questioningly. I pulled away from him and looked away.

"I can't. Jake."

"Right," Edward said. His voice was monotone, but his eyes were filled with pain. We turned back and resumed washing dishes in silence. When we finished, we returned to the living room and Charlie announced it was time for us to go. On the way to the door, I pulled Edward aside.

"Are we okay?" I asked.

He smiled at me but it didn't reach his eyes. "Of course. I'll survive, Swan. It's not the first time you've turned me down."

"You know I don't want to."

"I know," he said and kissed my cheek. "I'll see you Monday."

---

I spent all of Sunday trying to sort through my emotions. I was torn. I loved Edward, was in love with him, even. But as much as I wanted to be with him, I knew it wasn't a good idea. Yes, he was my best friend and I wanted him, but he was still the Bad Boy Player. A part of me knew that it wouldn't be like that with us, but I couldn't be sure.

What if something went wrong? What if we messed it up?

And Edward was hurting. He needed me, and if we screwed up… I couldn't take that chance.

Plus, there was Jake. I knew what I felt for him wasn't anything close to what I felt for Edward, but I did care about him. I enjoyed being around him and flirting with him. I enjoyed kissing him. He was a good guy, and he deserved a chance.

I made up my mind. I would give Jake that chance. I would put my feelings for Edward aside and accept that we were _just_ friends. I could do that. I had to.

---

Before Jake let me go into English on Monday, he asked it we could make it official. I accepted, happily. I knew I couldn't have asked for a better first boyfriend, and I really thought we might have a shot at making this work.

Edward was back to sitting at our lunch table that day, though I'd seen him making out with Kate before third period. I asked if Jake would mind sitting with my friends for a change, and he accepted.

It was a little tense at first, since Jasper and Edward and Mike refused to talk to him. But he and Emmett got along great and talked about the upcoming football game against Port Angeles. He and Alice hit it off immediately, conversing in a constant stream of movie references and jokes stolen from Comedy Central. When I mentioned the car he was restoring, Rose even lightened up a bit. Sure, initially she gave him the third-degree, testing his knowledge, but when he proved to be the real deal, she dropped the bitch façade and chatted eagerly with him about car stuff I didn't understand.

Things continued much the same for the next couple of weeks. Sometimes we sat with his friends at lunch, sometimes with mine. One by one, the guys started coming around. Well, except for Edward. He just flirted with me inappropriately, trying to rile Jake up, but Jake would just lean down and kiss me or put an arm around my shoulder and he shut up.

On Fridays, Jake and I went out, sometimes to Port Angeles and sometimes just to the diner in town. He joined me and Charlie when we went down to the res to fish, doing his best to sit still, though I knew it tried his patience. I started attending his football games with Alice, who was surprisingly into them. Rose came too, to cheer for Emmett and keep an eye on the cheerleaders. We had a couple of girls days and shopping trips with Angela, but we didn't see as much of each other now that we had boys in our lives.

I rarely hung out with Edward outside of class. He was still hooking up with Kate, and I suspected there was something going on with Lauren behind her back. It disgusted me that he could do that--he'd never been one to cheat before--but I had a feeling he was more disgusted with himself. More and more often, I caught glimpses of his pain and self-loathing coming to the surface, but he didn't call to confide in me, so I tried not to worry.

It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. Charlie had to work all day but Billy had dropped Jake off at the house to hang out and watch movies. At least, that's what we were supposed to be doing. Instead, we'd completely forgotten about the TV and had started making out on the couch. Jake and I kissed a lot, but we were rarely alone when not in public, so it hadn't gone much farther than that.

I was getting lost in his kisses, allowing him to push me back on the couch until I was lying down with him propped up above me on one elbow. He'd started leaving a hot trail of kisses down my neck that were sending tingles down my spine and causing me to jut my hips up towards his. I rarely got this worked up when we made out, for the most part just feeling nice and safe, but there was something different about today. Maybe it was because we were alone.

When I felt his hand graze the skin of my stomach under my shirt, I didn't push him away. Instead, I ran my fingers through his dark, silky locks and pulled his face up so I could kiss his lips again. Our tongues met and danced together as his hand slid up to cup me over my bra. His hands were large and hot through the fabric and when the pad of his thumb ran lightly over my nipple, I arched my back and moaned.

"Go Jake!" Emmett's unmistakable booming voice rang out suddenly. Jake jumped back and I sat up, straightening my shirt and looking over the back of the couch to see Em grinning at us, Jas and Edward behind him wearing identical scowls.

"What the hell?" I asked. "How did you get in here?"

"Door was unlocked," Emmett said with an unapologetic shrug. "Now come on, we're wasting daylight here."

"Um, no. We," Jake said, gesturing between us, "were certainly not wasting anything."

Emmett laughed. "Come on man, you can feel Swan up later. Now we have a baseball game to play."

"Baseball?" I asked, suddenly excited. Jake groaned, already sensing defeat.

"Did you not notice that the sun has actually decided to make an appearance today, Miss Perfect? Yes, baseball. Now come, everyone's going to be getting to the park soon."

I jumped up and clapped my hands, letting out a shriek. Edward and Jasper actually smiled at that.

"Let's go, Bella. We got some ass to kick," Jasper said. I grinned at him before looking back at Jake with pleading eyes.

"Fine!" he huffed, though I could tell he was trying not to smile at my excitement. "Let's go."

---

The whole crew was there, along with some newcomers I hadn't seen before. Embry and Quil arrived with Leah, though they said they were just there to watch. Jake decided to sit on the sidelines with them, claiming he wanted to "watch his girl in action."

Edward and Jasper were captains, as always. Edward won the coin toss, which meant he got to pick the first player, though Jasper got to decide if he wanted to bat first. Emmett was already walking over to his side, since he was always Edward's first pick. Leah and I were standing at the end of the line chatting and ignoring some of the new boys' snarky remarks about throwing like a girl, when Edward suddenly shouted.

"Swan, get that cute butt over here."

For a moment, everyone froze with identical faces of shock. Emmett still had one leg in the air, mid-stride. Jasper was the first to recover.

"Fuck you, Cullen!" he said and punched him on the arm. "Always trying to steal my partner."

Edward just smirked at me cockily, so I decided to play back. I ran forward and threw my arms around Jasper, pretending to cry.

"There, there," Jasper said, patting my back. "It's okay, I know I'm still your true captain."

"Please," I said, looking up at him and pouting. "Don't make me play with him. He smells funny!"

All the other guys laughed at our ridiculousness, but Edward growled and pulled me away from Jasper.

"That's it, Swan. You've done it now." 

"No!" I shrieked, knowing what was coming. I tried to run away, but he caught me quickly, tickling me until I fell to the ground with him over me.

"Stop!" I begged. "You're my captain! You're my captain!"

"Take it back," Edward said, smirking but not tickling quite so hard.

"You don't smell funny! You smell good!"

He stopped and leaning in close. "And what do I smell like, Bella?"

"Summer," I whispered breathily, staring up at him.

"Are we going to play baseball or just watch Cullen pick up chicks?" One of the new guys asked.

"Yeah," another said. "If I wanted to see that, I just hang out in janitor's closet!"

Everyone cracked up as Edward stood and helped me up. I brushed myself off and tried to glare at him, but I wasn't very convincing. We went back to the line up to finish picking teams. I glanced over at the bleachers. Jacob did not look happy.

---

He confronted me after the game when we were walking back to my house.

"So what's up with you and Cullen?" His tone was light but I could tell from the notch in between his eyebrows that he was dead serious.

"Nothing, Jake," I said with a sigh. "He's my best friends and has been since we were kids."

"That didn't look like 'friends,' Bells."

"Well it was. We're really close. And yes, he's a flirt, but he's like that with everyone. He's… just Edward."

Jake didn't say anything for a moment, but then he heaved a sigh.

"I trust you, Bella."

**AN: Quick question: how do you guys feel about lemons? Because I have some that I'd planned coming up soon (gulp!) and I wasn't sure if I should include them or post them separately somewhere else… lemme know! 3 **


	8. Chapter Seven

**AN: As aways, love and thanks to everyone reading this! I'm not going to make this note too long because... I think you're going to like this chapter...so let's get to it! ;-) Enjoy!**

---

**Chapter Seven**

That Thursday was Thanksgiving. Jacob's sisters, Rachael and Rebecca, couldn't make the trip home this year. I felt bad that Jake and Billy were going to be alone for the holiday, so I invited him to join me and Charlie.

Normally, we had Thanksgiving with the Cullens and I was a bit relieved when Jake teased me that they didn't celebrate anyway, on principle. I'd never really thought about how the kids from the reservation felt about the day, and I felt a bit guilty, but he assured me it was no big deal.

We decided to just do a simple fish fry lunch instead and pushed back our plans with the Cullens for the evening. The meal was fun and easy, like all our times with the Blacks. After lunch was over, we all moved to the living room to catch the football games. Alice came over a little later, claiming she was "OD-ing" on family time and had to get away. She'd gotten really into football since we'd started attending Jake's games, and I could tell Charlie and Billy were amused by the pipsqueak girl jumping up and down and cursing at the refs like a sailor, eye-black decorating her high cheekbones like warpaint.

After the game finished, Alice and the Blacks headed home and Charlie and I went over to the Cullens. I raced into the kitchen as soon as I got there. Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday because it gave me an excuse to cook, and it was always nice to help out Esme and Edward in the kitchen. He and I cooked together a lot during our summers kids when no one to feed us, but we rarely cooked together since school had started. I'd really missed the way we just worked together. We were so in sync and in our element; we rarely had to talk about the dishes as we prepared them.

Esme joined Carlisle and Charlie in the living room while we were waiting on the Turkey to finish cooking. Edward and I decided to head upstairs and hang out in his room, since I'd had enough football for one day.

I noticed the new addition to his posters as soon as I walked in.

"Farrah? Seriously?"

"Don't knock it, Swan. That poster is a classic," he said, reclining on his bed. It was the famous, no-bra print from her Charlie's Angels days, and it was extremely incongruent next to the other pictures of hardcore rock stars.

"Right, you just put it up because having all these dudes on your walls makes you look gay." I crawled onto the bed beside him and propped myself on my side, grabbing his hand.

"You know I love you, no matter what. If you have something you need to tell me, I'm here for you."

"Shut up!" he said, pushing me on my back. "I think I've made it quite clear I'm into chicks."

"Um, Edward?" I said, staring up at his ceiling with amusement.

"Yes?"

"Why is my picture up there?" I pointed overhead. It was a shot taken from the Halloween party, printed out on a sheet of computer paper. I didn't know who took it, but I was obviously the focus of the shot. I was on the dance floor, a ton of people blurry in the background, but I was dancing by myself, knees bent slightly, one arm over my head.

I actually looked… sexy.

"Why do you think, Swan?" Edward asked, suddenly right by my ear. He'd rolled over beside me and I could feel his body heat along my whole side.

"You are such a perv!" I said, suddenly figuring it out. Did he… _masturbate_ to it? I couldn't believe he would _do _that. Or rather, I could believe it, but I was surprised he'd admit it. It was way worse than when I told him about my period, but Edward just chuckled, his breath hot on my face as he leaned closer.

"It's not my fault," he said as I turned to meet his eye. "As I said, you were _sinfully _beautiful that night."

I blushed, remembering the rest of that conversation and where it had almost led. My breathing picked up, and I could tell Edward was remembering it too from the way his eyes darkened. He suddenly leaned down, and this time, I didn't stop him.

I didn't think. I couldn't. In the back of my mind, I knew this was wrong, but at that moment, lying in his bed with his summer scent surrounding me and _those eyes_…I honestly couldn't think of why.

I let his lips meet mine.

I'd never felt anything like it before. When I kissed Jake, it was good. It was nice and safe and sure. This wasn't anything like that.

As Edward's lips pressed against mine, I felt my heart explode inside my chest. It literally ached. The point where we were connected seared with a heat that ran down my chest and burned between my legs. He didn't even move, just pressed against me, soft then hard, not trying to deepen it. It was the most chaste kiss I'd had, but it didn't matter.

What mattered was how it made me feel. And that was anything but safe.

I felt like I was burning and drowning at the same time. I lost my sense of up from down and if I'd hadn't already been lying down, I was sure I would have collapsed. The world was spinning behind my closed eyelids. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was alive for the first time.

When he pulled back, I opened my eyes and saw my own emotions reflected back at me. Love. Want. _Fear._

We only parted for a second before his lips were back on me, both of us opening and deepening the kiss instantaneously. The familiar throbbing in my chest began pounding with intensity as our tongues met. It was wet and sloppy and scary and so, so right.

I knew in that moment, I could never go back to safe. I could never go back to _just_.

Because he wasn't _just _my best friend. He wasn't _just_ Edward. And this wasn't _just_ a kiss.

This was perfection.

---

I spent the weekend dancing around my room to embarrassing pop songs, talking to Edward for hours on end about absolutely nothing, and avoiding any contact with Jake.

Jake.

From the moment Edward's lips had touched mine on Thursday night, I knew what I had to do. There was no second-guessing, no hesitation. I had to break up with Jake. I _had_ to be with Edward.

I'd never experienced anything like this before. I'd known I was in love with Edward for a long time now, but it had always been accompanied by an aching pain, by fear. All I felt now, though, was complete bliss, untainted joy, pure ecstasy… _God, Bella, way to overdo the purple prose. You'd even have that Stephanie Meyer woman gagging._

Still, while I knew I had to break up with Jake, I didn't know how to it. He was a good guy and I did like him… just not enough. Every time I thought about it, I got anxious and nervous and… well, it killed my buzz. And I loved my buzz. So I pushed the thought out of my mind and just replayed that kiss, _that kiss,_ and suddenly I was jumping in place again, all tingly and feeling like a fool.

I was utterly ridiculous.

I was in love.

---

Alice, Rose, and Angela came over on Saturday for a girl's night. I tried to calm myself down since Edward and I decided it was best not to tell anyone until I had talked to Jake on Monday. I must not have done a very good job though, because as soon as we were out of Charlie's earshot, Alice turned on me.

"Isabella Marie Swan, _what_ is going on?"

"What do you mean?" I asked. And grinned. And blushed. _Shit._

"Did someone get lucky this weekend?" Rose asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No!" I half-shouted. "I don't know what you guys are talking about."

"Bella," Angela said calmly, "You look like a three-year-old on Christmas morning. Either you've started doing drugs or something happened."

"Drugs!" Alice squealed. "Are you-"

"I'm not on drugs!" Or maybe I was. Edward's lips were definitely something I could get addicted to.

"Then what?" Alice asked, stomping her foot. I sighed.

"Look, I can't tell you right now, but you'll find out soon enough."

None of the girls looked satisfied with this, probably since my declaration was followed by an involuntary bout of giggling.

"She's lost her mind," Rose decided.

"She's in love," Angela sighed.

"She ate all the Lucky Charms! You bitch!" Alice had started pulling out the girl's night supplies from the cabinets.

Luckily, the speculation was dropped after that, and soon, enough sugar had been consumed that my strange giddiness wasn't that noticeable.

---

The ride to school on Monday was torturously long. I was riddled with nerves about seeing Jake again and telling him the truth. At the same time, my stomach was full of butterflies, the good kind, at the thought of seeing Edward. I had no second doubts.

I had Jake's sweatshirt on my lap, washed and folded neatly, ready to give back to him. Alice didn't notice, because she was too busy bouncing in place. She was sure this was the week Nick was finally going to ask her out.

Jake noticed thought. As soon as I got out of the car, he was staring at it.

"Bella?" he asked. "Is something wrong?"

I hung my head in shame. "I'm so sorry, Jake. I can't do this anymore."

"Did I do something wrong?" I would have thought my heart was breaking at the hurt in his voice if I hadn't known what true heartbreak felt like already.

"No, Jacob. You were great. I just--I can't--"

"Is it Cullen?" he asked, he tone suddenly harsh. I glanced up and saw hatred in his eyes before turning mine back to the ground, nodding slightly.

"I'm sorry!" I said. "Really, I--"

"Save it, Bella," Jake said, grabbing his sweatshirt from me. "I really don't want to hear it."

I watched him walk away, overcome with guilt. He was such a good guy. He didn't deserve this.

My mood was short-lived as I soon felt warm hands placing something over my shoulders. I gripped the fabric of the familiar black hoodie as I slid my arms through before looking up at him.

"Perfect," he whispered. I smiled at him, still feeling a bit sad about Jake, but those thoughts were driven from my mind when he bent down to kiss me.

I burned. I drowned. I died and was born again at the slightest touch of our lips.

"Oh. My. GOD!" Alice squealed from the sidewalk beside us. I broke away and looked at her wide-eyed expression. "When the _hell_ did this happen?"

"Thursday," Edward said confidently, throwing an arm around my shoulders. I was worried she was going to be mad or hurt or something. But she just beamed at us and laughed.

"Took you long enough. You're giving me the deets in Algebra, Swan," she said, walking away.

"Shall we get to class?" Edward asked. I shivered as his lips brushed the curve of my ear and nodded.

We walked to class, snuggled together like we always did. But I knew everyone had seen our kiss in the parking lot. Or if they hadn't, someone had told them. Word spread fast in Forks, and it was apparent by the raised eyebrows and glares we were getting that everyone knew what was up.

Edward and I were already sitting in English when Mike came in. He stood before us expectantly.

"So," he said. "You two finally together?"

"Yep," Edward smirked at him, leaning back in his seat. "Got a problem with it, Newton?"

"No," he grumbled, sitting down on my other side. "Just think she could do better."

The second part of his statement was thankfully too quite for Edward to hear. I ignored it.

The rest of the day continued the same way. It seemed everyone had a vested interest in our new relationship. I couldn't care less. Edward walked me to every class, holding me close. I breathed in his summer smell and looked forward to the brief, searing kisses we exchanged.

At lunch, Emmett was the first to confront us.

"So, what's this I hear about you two bumping uglies?" he asked. I blushed and hid my face in Edward's chest. His arm was draped casually over my chair and he didn't seem concerned in the slightest.

"I have no clue what you're talking about, Em," he said.

"So you aren't going out?" Jasper asked, his tone hard.

"Of course, we're going out. Is that a surprise?" Edward asked, smirking at him like he had Mike. Jasper shook his head and looked down at his plate.

"I think it's a good thing," Rosalie pronounced. "Though, if you hurt her, I will string you up by your balls."

"Ditto," Angela said, sounding surprisingly serious.

"Don't worry," Edward quipped. "I would never hurt my girlfriend."

_Girlfriend._ I shivered at the word. It sounded good. Great, even. I liked it a lot.

"History would say otherwise," Alice challenged. "Though you've been in love with Bella for years, so I doubt you want to mess this up."

I looked up, trying to see if she was angry, but she was just smiling at the two of us.

"I won't mess up," Edward said. That same look of determination was in his eyes, and I reached up and pressed a kiss to his cheek. It seemed like everyone accepted it after that. The conversation turned to Alice's upcoming date with Nick and pressuring Jas to reveal how far he'd gone with Maria.

Jasper met my eye briefly, and I remembered seeing his eyes bloodshot on the beach that time and was concerned. But then, Edward pressed his lips against my neck and all coherent thought was driven away.

_Girlfriend,_ I thought to myself, happily. I snuggled into his hoodie and his embrace.

And it felt right.

---

The girls cornered me and Edward as we made our way to the parking lot after school.

"Sorry, Edward, we have to steal your girlfriend," Rose said, not sounding sorry at all.

"No," Edward said petulantly. Alice smacked his chest.

"Yes. We are having an emergency sleepover at my house tonight. No excuses!"

"But it's a school night," I said. "I don't think Charlie--"

"Oh my god, you're going to be next door! And Charlie loves me, he won't have a problem with it. Now come on!" Alice said. Damn, she was scary for being 5'2''. She started to drag me away, but Edward held tight and pulled me in for a breathtaking kiss, letting me go after a moment to stumble on jelly legs to Mrs. Brandon's car where all the girl's had already piled in.

I felt the familiar throb in my chest that I always associated with Edward, but it didn't make sense. He wasn't hurting right now. No, as I turned in my seat to make sure I kept eye-contact with him for as long as possible, he was glowing with happiness. The ache was just about being separated from him.

_God_, I thought, _you'll see him tomorrow. Are you really going to be one of _those _girls?_

…._Yes, _I decided with a grin. _Yes, I am._

_---_

Apparently, "emergency" girls' nights differed from regular ones in that the usual sugar overdose was replaced with vodka. Once, we'd sequestered ourselves in Alice's bedroom, she pulled out the bottle filched from her parent's rarely-used liquor cabinet and began passing it around. I partook greedily, knowing I was in for an inquisition like no other. Even Angela drank some, which surprised me. I knew she'd had a few drinks at Halloween, but we had school the next day.

Not that it was stopping me. I could be irresponsible. I was infallible. I was _Edward's girlfriend._

"Okay," Alice began seriously, after we'd all had a few swallows off the handle. "Spill."

I didn't know where to start. "Um… well, he kissed me on Thursday."

"Yes, I know you told me in Algebra," Alice cut me off. "But, I mean, what is going on? Is it serious?"

"I think so," I said. "We never really discussed it. But we've both liked each other for a long time now, so I think it's serious. I mean, he called me his girlfriend."

"Wait, he didn't ask you?" Rose asked.

"Um, no."

"How long have you known you liked him?" Angela asked.

"Well, I liked him a long time, but I guess I knew I loved him… winter break, last year."

"You love him!" Alice squealed. "Have you told him?"

I shook my head and blushed. Edward and I hadn't really talked about anything after the kiss. Sure, we talked for hours and flirted blatantly, but we hadn't really hammered things out. It was just… understood.

"Okay," Ali continued, "Well, we know he loves you too, so that's not a problem."

"You think," Rose scoffed.

"You think?" I asked.

"DUH!" they all said at once.

"Edward has loved you… well, at least as long as I've known him," Alice said.

"But… you dated him?"

"Well," she said, seeming uncomfortable. "I didn't think you liked him back. And… he's hott."

I laughed. "I guess I can forgive you. I mean, I didn't really let anyone know how I felt. And yeah, hott doesn't even begin…"

The girls giggled at my obviously dazed expression.

"So, how far have you guys gone?" Rose asked.

"We've only kissed."

"How far are you willing to go?" Alice asked. I paused. Honestly, I didn't know. I wanted more. I wanted everything. I craved him and loved him and I didn't really have any set boundaries about that. But at the same time…

_You can't just kiss a guy like Edward and not know what you're doing!_

I wondered if Alice knew that her words from three years ago would haunt me so. How could I compare to all the other girls he'd had? How could I compete?

"I don't know," I said. "I mean, we just got together."

"I wouldn't rush it," Angela said, always the voice of reason. "I mean, I know you guys have been friends forever, but that just makes it more risky. If you rush, you won't just be losing a boyfriend. You'll be losing your best friend."

"I won't lose him," I said. I suddenly understood Edward's determination at lunch. I couldn't lose him. I would do anything, because he was everything.

"Next topic," Alice clapped her hands, apparently satisfied with my answer. "How are you going to deal with the backlash?"

"Backlash?" I asked, bewildered.

"You had to expect it," Rose said. "I've already heard Kate and Lauren commenting on how quickly you went from Jake to Edward. Not to mention the fact that he was unofficially with both of them when it happened."

"And it didn't help when Jake didn't show up to lunch," Angela added.

Jake didn't show up to lunch? I hadn't noticed… I'd been too busy with Edward. And Kate and Lauren?

"Tanya and Jess were gossiping too," Alice said, nodding. "Apparently, the whole school is reeling. From what I've picked up, the main rumor is that you were sleeping with him behind Jake's back, or even before Jake, and the 'Little Miss Perfect' deal was an act."

"That's what I heard too," Rose said. "People are saying you slept with Jake too. And even Mike, back in August."

"But we only went on one date!" I shrieked.

"Yeah, but if people believe you and Edward were already doing it in middle school…" Angela trailed off.

"This is ridiculous," I said. "I only kissed Edward once! And then I broke up with Jake. I haven't even _really_ made it to second base, ever."

"We know that," Rose said comfortingly. "But you should know what's being said about you."

I picked up the discarded bottle of vodka and took a gulp, my head swimming. After years of being "Little Miss Perfect," I'm branded a whore after one kiss?

But then, the voice in the back of my head whispered, you never _liked_ being Little Miss Perfect.

It was true. Though I may still have qualified for the title of "Brain" since my grades were near flawless, I'd never liked being branded Perfect. I didn't even understand the title. I drank. I cursed, only blushing occasionally now and then. I was friends with bad-ass rebels and though I didn't dress like them and hadn't had as many sexual experiences, we weren't that different. Why was I the "Little Miss?"

"Fine," I said. "I'm fine with it. Let them say what they want. I was never who they thought I was. I'm just Bella. Always have been, always will be."

_Just _Bella_._

"Good for you!" Angela said, taking my vitriol as a declaration of self-worth, or something.

"You know we've got your back," Rose added, more comfortingly.

"Yeah, and you _will_ give us the deets when you actually do bone him," Alice said, with a smirk.

"Of course," I smirked back at her. My anger and the vodka was making me confident, but I knew beneath it, I was panicking. _Sex?_

_You don't just kiss a guy like Edward without knowing what you're doing!_

---

Tuesday was different.

I mean, not really, on the outside. Edward still walked me to class and stole kisses and held me at lunch. And people in the halls still glared (if they were girls) or smirked (if they were guys). But now I knew what those glares and smirks meant.

It made me angry.

I'd never tried to be perfect. I'd never claimed the "Little Miss" title that was thrust upon me. I'd never even really understood where it had come from. But now, now that I was dating Edward? Now I was suddenly a slut?

It pissed me off.

It pissed me the _fuck_ off.

Who were these people to judge? Half of them had already hooked up with Edward and the other half wanted to be him. I'd never been so grateful for my friends.

Be it Alice or Rose or Angela or Jas or even Em, I had a friend in ever period. A friend who really knew me and didn't gossip.

It stung a bit, at first, when Mike, Eric, and Tyler started sitting with Jessica, Kate, and Lauren at lunch. It hurt that the guys I'd considered my friends sat on the other side of the classroom like they didn't know I could kick their asses on the baseball diamond.

But it didn't hurt too much. Because the rumors and the gossip just showed me who my real friends were. And though I knew Rose and Jas were hesitant about my relationship with Edward, though I knew Alice had a reason to be hurt, they all stood by us.

They acted like it didn't change anything.

And it didn't. Not on the surface. Edward and I had always been closer than anyone else. We'd always been flirtatious and touchy and all the rest. And even though we were kissing now and I was head-over-heels in love with him, it didn't change much in how we acted in school.

But then Esme and Carlisle decided to attend a medical conference in Seattle overnight on Friday. And they asked me to keep Edward company, since neither of us had told our parents about the change in our relationship.

At first, it sounded perfect. The two of us alone, all night, with our parents assured that we were just friends, as we'd always been. It was the ultimate freedom.

Then Emmett caught wind of it.

"Party at the Cullen Place!" he stood on the café table and shouted without warning. "Friday, Eight. Be there!"

I swear, I thought Edward was going to strangle him for a moment. But then Rose assured us that Royce would get us booze, and Alice started bouncing in place about the outfits she'd instantaneously pictured for us, and Jas and Em, always the golden boys, seemed pumped. And Edward just smirked at me and whispered, "I'll make sure they bring tequila" too close to my ear and then licked it slowly and I shivered and then…

I was in.

I warned Edward that Charlie would have a patrol driving by at nine when I overheard him on the phone on Thursday night.

And Emmett got back up on the cafeteria table and announced the time change to ten at lunch. And I got high fives, for the first time in my life, for being the Police Chief's daughter, and it felt kinda good.

I felt kinda badass.

And Edward wrapped his arm around my shoulder when he walked me to class and kissed me when the teachers weren't looking in a way that had me wanting more. And my life, for the first time, seemed perfect.


	9. Chapter Eight

**AN: A million apologies for this being late! I promise, the next chapter WILL be up on Wednesday to get us back on schedule. Exams just kicked my butt this past week. Of course, to reward you for your patience… **

**LEMONS! Hope you enjoy!**

**Chapter Eight**

It was 9:05 on Friday night. Alice was glued to the window, waiting on Charlie's designated patrol car to pass. She'd told her parents, honestly, that she was keeping me company while Edward's parents were out of town. Of course, they'd assumed, like Charlie, that Alice and I would be sharing the guest room.

Renee was not so easily fooled.

"Oh, honey!" she'd squealed when I told her the same lie that had worked on Charlie and the Brandons. "I'm so happy for you. But promise me you'll use protection!"

For once, I didn't feel the need to lie to her about Edward. "Mom! I'm not going to sleep with him!"

"Right. And next you'll be telling me he's _just Edward,_" she said sarcastically.

"Shut up," I huffed. "I'll be safe."

"Promise?"

"I promise, but Mom?" I said. "I really don't think I'm ready to take it that far."

"I know, sweetie," Renee said. "Honestly, I'd be shocked it you were. And I don't really feel like I have to remind you, but that's what moms do, right?"

"I thought moms told their daughters _not _to have sex, rather than encourage it."

"Please," Renee scoffed. "I remember what it was like to be a teenager. And you know I'm not a hypocrite."

Well, she was right about that, if anything. I cringed. Charlie and Renee had me when they were 19.

"Mom!"

""Fine, Bella!" she said. "You're not going to have sex. But if you do…"

"I'll use protection," I recited, monotone.

"Good," Renee said. "Now tell me everything."

And I did. I mean, not _everything_. I didn't tell her about Edward's cutting or anything. But I told her how far we'd gone (French kissing, groping over the clothes) and how the other kids at school has reacted. Her response to the rumors was the same as mine had been:

"Fuck 'em."

Okay, so I was a bit shocked. I'd never heard Renee curse before, and though I'd slipped up a few times over the phone, I was pretty certain she'd never heard me say the f-word. But she knew Alice and thus her frequent cursing. And she knew about Edward, since I'd told her about him over and over.

"That's what I said," I quipped. And of course, Renee just laughed,

"I'm so proud of you, honey. I always knew there was something special between you two."

For the first time, I knew what my friends meant when they said I had a cool mom. I mean, I wasn't even close to ready for sex. At least, I didn't think I was. But she was so cool with me and Edward…

"Thanks, Mom."

"Let me know how the party goes?" she asked. I knew what she was really asking.

"I will," I said. And I knew I wasn't lying.

* * *

People started arriving at ten on the dot. Rose had come through on her promise, and with our pooled allowances, we'd gotten enough booze to last us a month at least. All the valuables and breakables had been locked in the guest room, and Jas had managed to set up a kick-ass sound system with Edward's over-the-top speakers.

The main crew had been here since school had let out and we'd started pre-gaming a half-hour before Showtime. Tequila, of course. I already had a healthy buzz going when the doors opened and the music started blaring. Throughout the long afternoon of setting up, I'd been having moments where I wished it was just going to be Edward and I, as originally planned, but when the time came, I was pumped.

Like Emmett's Halloween party, it seemed that the entire high school had decided to attend. Even Mike. Even Jake and the boys from the rez. Of course, Jake seemed intent on putting as large of a dent as possible in our booze supply and glaring at anyone that tried to talk to him, but he'd come. I decided to take that as a good sign.

I decided too early.

Edward was out back smoking a cigarette and I was dancing between Ali and Ang in the living room when we overheard Kate talking in the kitchen.

"So Jake, tell me, was Swan really that good of lay?"

There was a chorus of laughter from the group surrounding the keg. I waited, straining to hear Jake deny it and tell everyone the truth, but when I looked over and made eye-contact with him, he just shrugged.

"Please, Kate," Tanya spoke up. "We both know there's no such thing as a good enough for Edward Cullen. I say he manages to keep it in his pants a week, tops."

"Yeah right," Lauren retorted. "I'd be surprised if she kept his attention through the weekend."

At first, I was furious. Then I took in the group that stood listening to their horrible gossip. Mike, Eric, Jake, Embry, Quil… all guys I considered to be friends. And they were all just standing there, not defending me. Some of them were even laughing. I was crushed.

"Cut the shit, girls," I heard Jasper say as he emerged from the bathroom, flushed, with Maria in tow. "Just because you're jealous bitches that doesn't give you the right to talk about Bella like that."

"Chill, man," Mike said. "Just because you wish you were the one tapping that--"

Jasper turned on him and raised a fist. I broke away from the dance floor to go stop him, but Maria grabbed his arm before I could get there.

"Come on, Jas. You don't need to defend that slut. She made her own bed," Maria said, smirking over her shoulder at me, "now let her spread her legs in it."

The venom in her voice stopped me in my tracks. Apparently, it shocked Jasper too because he turned and looked at her with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.

"Enough!" Emmett boomed from the doorway. "All of you, get out!"

They stared at him for a moment, but when he started hauling Mike to the door by the collar, they followed obediently. I'd never seen my teddy bear look so much like a grizzly. It almost scared me.

Soon, only Jasper and Maria stood in the kitchen. He looked at me and then down at her, and the sadness in his eyes broke my heart.

"Maria, I think you should go."

"You're not serious!" she shrieked. "You're not actually choosing that whore over me!"

"Go," he said, his voice suddenly hard as nails. "Go, because I can't even stand to look at you right now."

She paused, looking back and forth between him and me, and then huffed.

"Fine, Jasper, but just know that when I go out that door, it's over."

"Fine." His tone was steady, but his shoulders slumped in defeat. The clicking of her heels on the linoleum suddenly seemed louder than the music blaring from the speakers. I rushed over and gave him a hug.

"Jasper, I'm so sorry!" I said into his chest.

"It's not you're fault, Bella," he said softly, patting my back.

"I think it's time for more shots," Emmett said, already pulling out the Jack. Edward appeared at that moment.

"What happened?" he asked, seeing my distraught expression and rushing over.

"Just people talking shit," Em said. "Don't worry; we took care of it."

Edward held my gaze for a moment, as if trying to confirm Emmett's claim. Then he gathered me into his arms and whispered in my ear, "I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm so, so sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said, even though I knew, on some level, that it was. If it weren't for his history, no one would have said those things. But I knew that, regardless of his past, none of what had been said was true and he was beating himself up over it. I didn't want him to take it out on himself physically.

So I pulled away and smiled brightly at the three boys I knew I could count on for anything.

"Shots?"

* * *

By the time the party wound down at one in the morning, I was completely sober. Jasper had started downing drinks in rapid succession after Maria left and spent the second half of the night getting his hair held back by Alice while I tried to force carbs and coffee down his throat. We'd all had a couple of cups of the pot I'd made, none of us eager to repeat the hangovers we'd had last time. Alice insisted on sleeping in the living room on an air mattress so she could keep an eye on Jas, who had passed out on the couch. Ang had left with Ben at midnight, so the guest room was free for Rose and Emmett.

As I followed Edward up to his room, my stomach began to fill with butterflies in anticipation. We were finally going to be alone with no interruptions. I had no idea what was going to happen, or even what I hoped was going to happen, but I could guess.

When we got to the room, Edward pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of boxers for me to change into. I went into the bathroom, and when I came out, he was wearing nothing but a pair of thin, flannel pajama pants that clung to his thighs and his tight ass and left little to the imagination. I immediately wanted to run my hands along the soft fabric, to feel the muscles of his legs beneath my palms, but he just sat on the bed and smirked at me.

"I swear, there is nothing sexier than seeing you in my clothes," he said. I felt my face heat up as I walked over to stand between his spread thighs. I ran a hand along his cheek and when he turned his face up to me, I bent down to kiss him.

We didn't start slow. Our mouths opened immediately and our tongues touched and brushed and fought with an urgency that had moisture pooling between my legs almost instantly. The smell of summer and the taste of smoke and mint and whiskey and the touch of his lips and… I was drowning. I was consumed by Edward, everywhere surrounded and engulfed. By Edward.

My Edward.

He quickly pulled behind my knees until I was straddling his lap and I felt his hardness press up against my core and we both groaned. I shifted my hips against his and felt his fingers grasp hard in my hair. He rolled us onto the bed until he body was pressing down on mine at every point. He didn't hold back, crushing me with his weight in the most delicious way, thrusting against me with a primal urge that made me lose all thought.

His mouth moved to my ear, sucking on the lobe as his hand slid under my top and against my stomach.

In that always too-deep, husky voice, he whispered, "I could fuck you through a brick wall right now."

It wasn't tender or sweet. In fact, it was almost funny and I would have laughed in any other circumstance, but it was Edward, _my Edward_, and he was saying _fuck_ in that voice and sucking on my neck and thrusting himself against me, and… I wanted more.

I pushed him up slightly and pulled my shirt over my head. He held himself above me on arms lined with faint scars and cuts, muscles tight and straining. He stared into my eyes and then shifted his gaze downward, taking in every inch of my exposed shin and it burned. I literally _felt_ his eyes on me.

He reached his arm behind my back, never lifting his eyes from the cleavage exposed by my sexiest, white, lace bra and deftly flicked open the clasp.

When I saw the small smirk of triumph, I raised my fist and said, "One hand. Impressive."

He bumped his fist to mine with a grin and then our eyes met and we laughed,

"Did we really just fist-bump about that?" he asked.

"I guess that's what happened when the bra you're taking off is on your best friend," I smirked.

"Yes, my best friend," he said seriously. "And my girlfriend. The girl I love."

My breath caught as I saw the sincerity of his words written all over his face.

"I love you, Edward," I said.

"I love you, Bella." There was no hesitancy. We both knew it. We'd always known it.

Then he dragged the straps of my bra down my shoulders and I lifted up so he could remove it, revealing myself for the first time. Again, I felt the heat of his gaze on me and I bit my lip, nervously studying his face until his eyes met mine again.

"You are so beautiful," he whispered, before his lips crashed against mine again. His body fell back down on me, his weight held up slightly by his scarred forearms, and I moaned as our chests met. The feeling of skin on skin was like nothing I'd ever felt before, and then his lips left mine and quickly worked their way down my jaw, my neck, tongue sweeping over my collarbone before suckling against the rise of my breasts. When his hot mouth reached my ready peaks I arched up and groaned his name.

I felt him smile against my skin, but when I thrust up against him again, he answered my groan with one of his own.

"God, Bella, you have no fucking idea what you do to me. I never thought--" his voice broke slightly, "I never thought I'd actually have you here."

"I love you, Edward," I breathed. "Always have."

His mouth crashed back down on mine in a fury of tongues and lips and pressure and he pressed into me as I pressed back and our thrusts continued until we were both moaning and writhing and I didn't want it to ever stop.

My nails raked along the contours of his back, that back I had fallen in love with as it walked away, burdened with the weight of my little boy's heart that I knew felt too much too strongly. I slid my hands around to feel that heart beating against my palm and then, lower, down the flat planes of his almost too-thin stomach until it reached the waistband of his pants. I slipped my hand under and felt him for the first time.

He was large and hot in my palm, hard, so hard, but surprisingly soft. Silk over steel. He moaned into my mouth and broke away, panting.

"_Bella_," he breathed against my lips. I rolled us over and pulled down on the elastic waistband, needing to see. He sprung out from his pants, bobbing slightly, pointing up to his navel, and it was bigger than I'd imagined.

"Beautiful," I whispered, unable to take my eyes from it. I heard him chuckle but I was beyond the point of embarrassment. I slowly ran my palm over the head and then down the purple vein underneath. He grunted and thrust up into my hand.

"Show me," I asked, and I knew, in the back of my mind, that _you don't just do things with a guy like Edward Cullen_, but I knew with even more certainty that this wasn't just a guy, this was _my Edward_ and I wasn't afraid.

He wrapped his hand around mine and slowly began stroking the length of his hardness with firm, even pressure. When a bead of moisture appeared at the slit at the top, I couldn't help myself. I slid back off the bed, onto my knees and ran my tongue along the slit, tasting the slight, slick saltiness.

"Fuck!" he shouted, looking down at me. "Bella!"

His hand left mine and gripped his hair as I continued to stroke him the way he had shown me, watching now at eye-level, still entranced. After a few moments of watching me, he grabbed me behind the elbows and pulled me back onto the bed, rolling on top of me once again and shoving his tongue into my mouth.

His hand reached down into the boxers rolled up around my waist and quickly found my slick slit, running a finger along my folds before finding the bud at the top and pressing against me almost too intensely.

"Fuck!" I shouted, bucking against his hand. He continued to rub against my clit mercilessly, now thrusting against my thigh. I quickly felt myself reaching my peak and I writhed and moaned, unable to focus on anything else but the feel of his fingers against my sex. When he replaced the pressure on my nub with his thumb and slid his finger down along my slit again, I thought I was going to die.

"You are so fucking wet," he nearly cried before sliding his finger inside of me. One, two thrusts, filling me like my own fingers never had, pressing nerves I never knew existed, and I was done. A burst of white-hot light overshadowed every sense and I screamed, knowing nothing, knowing everything.

"_Edward!_"

Some where on the periphery of my rolling pleasure and burning senses and clenching muscles, I was aware of him thrusting one last time. I felt him spilling, hot and wet against the side of my stomach, my name falling strained from his lips as though in pain. His weight fell on me fully, crushing me into the bed as his finger stilled within me. I turned my head and our lips met in a desperate, frenzied kiss like none I'd ever known before.

We broke apart, both panting, over and over.

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

* * *

Edward must have cleaned us up at some point because when I woke, his stickiness was removed from my stomach and his. He hadn't re-dressed me though, and he was sprawled out, stretched limbs taking up most of the bed, with one arm gripping me around my waist and his head resting between my naked breasts. I wasn't ashamed.

I stroked his hair, reveling in the sensation of being here, with him, like this. I couldn't get over the joy that I was allowed this, to be in bed like this with _my_ Edward. I'd already known I was in love with him for years, but at that moment, I knew with certainty that this would always be the case. The little boy who annoyed the hell out of me, the best friend who was so different from me and yet didn't care, the hurting young man who needed to be held… the innocently slumbering man who now knew me intimately inside and out and heart and soul and body…

"You are my life now," I whispered.

"You've always been my life, Bella," he said back, voice husky with sleep. He rolled over on to his back and started rubbing his eyes. The action was strangely innocent, incongruent with the amusing tent raised beneath his pajama pants.

I wasted no time in sliding down his body, nipping his nipple and licking down his stomach before he'd even had a chance to open his eyes. He moaned and arched and I acquiesced, sliding down his pants and revealing his beautiful cock. The urge that overtook me was instinctual, irrepressible. I didn't have any qualms about him "peeing out of that thing" or the fears I'd whispered at girls nights about "what if he likes it better than sex?"

I had to have him in my mouth. I needed to taste him.

I ran my tongue over his slit, wrapped it around the head, smirking as he groaned. Slowly, I took the tip into my mouth, sucking it slightly and exploring the ridge with my tongue before sliding further down until I couldn't take any more. The vein underneath throbbed against my tongue and he was so hard and full and I sucked as hard as I could. I wrapped a hand around the base when I could go no further, as per Rosalie's taboo instructions to us girls on the subject, and slid both my hand and mouth upwards and down along his shaft.

He bucked into my mouth once, causing me to pull back and gag.

"Bella, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean--" I felt his hands in my hair, trying to guide me back up to his lips, but I didn't allow any further protest before taking him back in my mouth. I began sliding him steadily in and out, trying to remember what I'd been told about giving head and the pornos Alice made me watch, but when he started gyrating his hips slowly, I allowed instinct to take over, taking him deeper and faster and loving the way his body writhed at my touch.

Quicker than expected he was shouting out, "I'm gonna--Fuck, Bella!--Shit! I'm gonna--"

I felt his hands once more trying to draw me up and off him, but I just looked up at him through my lashes, trying to let him know it was okay. As soon as we made eye contact, he came, hips and back arching off the mattress, never looking away as he spilled into my mouth and I swallowed him down.

His cum was thick and salty and more bitter than I'd expected, but he tasted delicious.

_My Edward_.

Sucking up one last time, I kissed his tip and crawled until he could roll on top and bury his head in my neck.

"Fuck, I love you, Bella. My Bella. I can't, oh my god, my Bella," he whispered in an incoherent stream against my neck. I was surprised when he finally pulled back and kissed me, plunging his tongue into my mouth, seeming to seek his taste rather than avoid it. I met his lips eagerly.

"I love you so much," he said. And I had no doubt he was telling the truth, his calm jade darkened into emerald with the intensity of his emotions.

"I love you too," I said, trying to show the truth in my eyes as much as his did.

"I never thought, never imagined, you would ever feel the same way," he whispered. I saw his eyes brim with tears and I kissed him softly before he pulled back and continued. "I can't get over it, Bella. It feels to surreal."

_Surreal_, I thought. It was the perfect way to describe it, the intensity of my feelings, my soul, my being with him. To good to be true. To magnificent to be real.

"It's true," I said. "I'm yours. You should have known."

He should have. I felt that I'd been wearing my heart on my sleeve for so long, but it was too readily apparent that he truly _couldn't_ comprehend how much I loved him, how real this was.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered. He meant it.

For the first time since our lips had met that Thursday, less than two weeks ago--_was that all?--_I felt the familiar ache in my chest.

"Don't ever say that again." My voice was hard, commanding. "You deserve everything, Edward. Everything."

And then the tears did come, finally spilling over his lashes and flowing over my skin, pooling in my collarbone. I held him. I held him, skin-to-skin, as hard as I could and prayed that God would give me the strength to fix this broken boy, my broken boy. Because it was true: he deserved everything.

He was my everything.

* * *

It wasn't any easier on Monday. I had hoped the gossip would die down with time, but the forced evacuation of the party on Friday only added spite and malice. Even the comfort of Edward's arms around me in the halls couldn't protect me from the harsh whispers of his ex-girlfriends. And they were numerous.

It didn't help that I was privy to their every interaction with him. I'd been his best friend and confidant throughout their relationships, so when they muttered about my lack of breasts or my inability to satisfy him, I knew it was true that they had what I lacked.

And yet, Edward walked me to class. And he kissed me and whispered _I love you_ every chance he got.

And so, while they whispered, I remembered that night and the next morning. It seemed almost sacrilegious, at first, to think of those times in their presence, but they were my talisman. The look in his eyes, the words he said and the heart that felt them… I knew they were mine.

So I ignored the girls.

The guys were harder.

"Hey, Swan! Heard you like baseball players. Wanna suck my cock in the locker room?"

It was a senior, Laurent, the third baseman on the varsity team. It wasn't the first proposition I'd heard that day, but it was the most direct, the one that most struck home.

I had sucked his cock. Edward's, not Laurent's, never Laurent's. But I had done that act and while it felt perfect and special at the time, his words ruined it.

I felt dirty.

Edward knew something was up, something was wrong, but I refused to tell him. There wasn't anything he could do about it, and I knew he would only blame himself. And if he blamed himself, he would cut himself. So I flirted with him at lunch and kissed him between classes and teased that he was paranoid when he asked insistently what was wrong.

Then, it all blew up.

It was after school and Edward was waiting with me and Alice for Mrs. Brandon to come pick us up. He had his arm around me, but he was actually paying attention to Alice's excited rambling about the rumors of a new Scorsese film, rather than just nuzzling my neck for once, when we heard it.

"Hell yeah! Of course, Swan sucked me off. One date and she was down on her knees like a pro."

I immediately knew it was Mike talking. I recognized his voice from years of sitting together at lunch and in classes and hanging out at the diner. I'd always considered him one of my best friends, so of course, I knew his voice.

And, of course, so did Edward. He stiffened and turned to where Mike was talking to Tyler and a bunch of boys from the football team. They were all big guys, ones I knew by sight from the varsity games I'd stuck around for after Jake had finished playing.

Before I could stop him, before I could even realize what was happening, Edward was there. He sprinted over and had Mike pinned against the brick wall of the main building, his hand around Mike's throat, cutting off his air supply.

"What did you say?" Edward's voice wasn't angry or harsh or anything. It wasn't the hated monotone. It was just calm. Deadly calm.

He didn't give Mike a chance to respond, pulling forward and slamming his head back against the brick, never releasing his choking grasp. Mike started turning an alarming shade of purple before I ran over and tried, desperately, to pull Edward off.

"Let him go!" I pleaded. "Edward, it's not worth it!"

He didn't budge. Vaguely, I was aware of Alice behind me, begging in kind as we watched Mike turn from purple to blue and then limp in Edward's hand. He never let go.

Then I was being pulled away from both of them by strong, grizzly arms. Emmett. And teachers were there and they were shouting and soon Edward was being forced to the ground by three grown men, struggling and flailing the entire time.

I was turned away from the sight, pressed into Em's torso forcefully. Jas was whispering and rubbing my back, but the calm he normally brought wasn't there. Even with my eyes shut, tears streaming down my cheeks, all I could see was Mike going limp, Edward being taken down by the group of men.

It was several minutes before I realized the noise I heard was me screaming, muffled into Emmett's broad chest.

**AN: *blushes* Ok, so how did I do for my first ever lemons? I'm feeling pretty nervous here…**


	10. Chapter Nine

**AN**: **Angst alert! Sorry, this one's a bit of a downer, but I promise the next chapter will be more fun. Oh yeah, and there's some drug use in this one too. Just a heads up!**

**Thanks again to every one whose reading, alerting, favoriting, and especially reviewing! You all are what keeps me writing. :)**

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**Chapter Nine**

"Oh what a beautiful moooorning! Oh what a beautiful day!"

I was roused from my slumber the next day by Alice's loud, off-key singing. Rolling over and opening my eyes, my glare stopped her mid-chirp. It was the first time in my life I'd effectively shut her the hell up. And I couldn't even be proud of it.

""Oookay" she muttered, before her ever-present grin returned. "I'm here to help you with your battle armor!"

"What the heck are you talking about, Ali?" I said, not moving from the bed.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Edward's not going to be in school today and after what happened, well, you need to look fierce!"

It was true. I'd called Edward's house a half dozen times in desperation after school the day before. Carlisle finally picked up. He informed me that Edward had been suspended from school for a week and was grounded, without phone privileges, for two.

Not gonna lie, I panicked. What was I going to do without Edward there to walk me to class? How was I going to face the harsh words and snide comments if I didn't have him with me?

Apparently, with the help of my black, pleated mini-skirt and red corset-style top with the black lace overlay, if Alice's perusal of my closet was anything to go by. I honestly was more in the mood for my baggy jeans and ratty sweaters, but then she announced, "It'll go perfect with the hoodie!"

Edward's hoodie. I'd never really considered Alice to be a considerate person. Entertaining, yes. Ebullient, vivacious, confident, beautiful--yes. But considerate?

I donned my battle armor, slipping the hoodie over my revealing outfit, and surveyed the results with pride.

"Thanks, Ali," I whispered, not knowing what else to say.

"No problem, Swanster. You know I got your back." She raised a tiny fist in the air to show her solidarity, and I hugged her tightly.

"You're the best, you know that?"

"Duh!" she said, chuckling.

* * *

When we stepped out of the car at school, I wasn't so sure about her plan. I mean, yes, the clothes she picked out made me feel sexy and confident while in my bedroom, but here? I felt like I was only reinforcing the rumors about me being a slut. Then Emmett came over and picked me up in one of his grizzly-teddy bear hugs.

"Lookin' sexy, Bella!" he said as he put me down.

"Thanks, Em," I replied shyly.

"Let me walk you to class." If I'd had time to think about it, I would have been shocked. Emmett always walked Rosalie, every day since the first, without fail. If I'd caught on to what he was doing, I would have protested. But I didn't get the chance.

His beefy arm was slung around my shoulder and dragging me to English before I could process it. He kissed me on the cheek with a loud smack before I entered the classroom. I walked back to my normal spot, ignoring the whispers and acutely aware of the two empty desks surrounding mine. Mike had also been suspended.

_Serves him right_, I thought spitefully.

I made it through first period and waited until all the other students were out the door before I left, not wanting to risk a confrontation. I was surprised to see Jasper waiting for me in the hall.

"M'lady?" He offered his arm to me and I slid mine through it. He chatted with me comfortably as we walked to my next class, seeming oblivious to the stares we earned.

Well, oblivious to all but Maria's. I felt the slight mis-step he made when her eyes turned on us, but he recovered quickly, striding past her as though nothing had happened.

The morning continued in that fashion. After every class, either Jasper or Emmett was there to escort me safely through the halls. I felt a little embarrassed that I needed their protection, but for the most part, all I felt was gratitude.

Alice had dressed me in battle armor. Rosalie lent me her boyfriend. Emmett and Jasper were looking out for me. Angela, and even Ben, made a point of passing me notes in the classes we shared to distract me.

My friends, my true friends, were there for me. Even if Edward wasn't, couldn't, be there, I wasn't alone.

I didn't care what the rest of Forks High was whispering.

I had my friends, my best friends, and they cared for me.

And I was still Edward's girlfriend, even if he wasn't there.

Nothing else mattered.

* * *

I was walking with Em to the cafeteria when we spotted Jasper . He seemed rooted to the spot where he stood, glaring at the double doors. I took my arm from Emmett and walked over to him.

"What's wrong?" I whispered. His eyes finally left the door and met mine. The glare was gone and he just looked defeated.

"I can't go in there," he said.

"Maria?" I asked. He nodded.

"I can't believe her," he said. "She's been spreading rumors. _Lies_. I just- I just can't face her."

I wrapped him in my arms

"I can't deal with it, either," I confided in a low murmur. I felt him nodding.

"Wanna get out of here?" he asked. I looked up at him, questioningly, but he just took my arm and led me out to the parking lot. We walked across it, in silence, passing into the woods beyond. When we'd made it out of sight from the school, he backed up against a tree and slid down to a sitting position. I sat with my legs crossed in front of him.

We just stared at each other for a moment before he brought a baggie out of his pocket and waved it in front of me.

"Do you mind?" he asked. "I don't have to."

I looked at the dried, green contents of the ziplock and realized it was pot. I was immediately nervous, just at the sight of it. My heart started to go into overdrive. But I looked up from the bag and into his eyes. His eyes were so full of pain, and though they were blue and not green, they reminded me of Edward's. I couldn't deny him his comfort.

"It's fine," I said. He pulled out a pack of rolling papers and got to work, concentrating seriously on his task. I watched him, trying to make sense of what was going on. I, Bella Swan, the Little Miss Perfect, was cutting school and watching someone roll a joint. But then, no one called me Perfect anymore, and if they didn't believe it, why should I? I suddenly wondered if there wasn't some comfort I could have for myself.

"Jas?" I asked, hesitantly. He paused and looked up. "Do you-- you wouldn't happen to have a drink on you? Or even a cigarette?"

I'd smoked one of Edward's cigarettes at our family dinners a couple of weeks ago, just to see what it was like. He had teased me when I didn't cough, saying I'd been practicing, but that wasn't it. In fact, halfway through it, I was too dizzy and nauseous to finish. But I needed something, anything, right now.

Jasper hesitated and then pushed off the ground to reach into the back of his baggy jeans. He pulled out a flask first and then a pack of cigarette, handing them both over to me. He watched closely as I unscrewed the cap and took a swig, gagging as the barely familiar taste of whiskey coated my throat. I held the flask between my knees as I pulled out a cigarette and took the lighter he offered me. The combination of liquor and smoke was harsh, and this time, I did cough.

"Bella, are you sure?" Jasper asked, concerned.

I nodded and took another drag, this time smoothly. "Nothing I haven't done before, Jas."

That seemed to placate him and he went back to his task. I watched him, alternating between swigs and drags, both a little more quickly than I knew was wise. I soon felt the tension ease from my shoulders, the weight that had been pressing down on me since I woke was lifted.

I passed the lighter back to him when he lifted the joint to his lips. He lit it and took a deep hit. I watched him lean back against the tree, eyes closed as he savored it, and giggled. He cracked one eye at me, only making me laugh harder.

"Something funny, Swan?" he asked.

I took a gulp from the flask and shook my head. Then I stopped to reconsider.

"You're getting stoned. In front of the Police Chief's daughter. Better known as Little Miss Perfect, who is cutting class and drinking and smoking."

He chuckled. "Got to say, I didn't see this coming. Though I guess now that you're dating Cullen…"

I scowled and he hurried to correct his mistake.

"I didn't mean it like that, Bella. You know I don't believe what they say."

I sighed. "I know. It just pisses me off that they would say it in the first place."

There was a comfortable silence between us, both reflecting on the sudden changes.

"What has Maria been saying?" I asked. Jasper glared at his shoes.

"She saying that now that Edward isn't around, you've moved on to me and Emmett." He glanced up to see what I thought, but it wasn't like I hadn't heard the same thing in my morning classes. Jasper took another drag and leaned back.

"I just feel so betrayed, you know? Bella, I thought I loved her. I thought she was the one and now… I can't even look at her."

Without thinking, I grabbed his hand.

"It's not you're fault, Jas. You are one of my best friends and you stood up for me even when she tried to make it difficult. If she can be that petty, she doesn't deserve you."

I meant it. It meant the world to me when Jasper stood up for me at the party and I knew when our eyes met that he could see it. He lifted his hand and held the joint out to me. I snuffed my cigarette and took it, looking at it hard.

"I don't know what to do with it," I admitted.

"It's not that different from smoking a cigarette. Just take it into your lungs and hold it."

I tried to do as he said, but it hurt my chest to much, far more than the whiskey. I coughed and tears stung my eyes as I held it back out to him, willing him to take it away. He took it and patted my back.

"Don't worry. Coughing will actually get it into your system quicker." His calm voice helped me overcome my fit and I could breath again.

"Here," he said. "Try this."

He brought his face close to mine, our lips nearly touching. "Breath in when I breath out."

He took a drag and blew it towards me. I breathed it in and it was much less harsh than before. I held it until my lungs started to tickle with an impending cough and expelled the smoke. He smiled at me.

"Better?"

I nodded. Already, my head felt a little heavy and weird, but I couldn't tell if it was the pot or the drink or the cigarette.

"It's called a shotgun," he whispered. I looked at his face, still inches from mine, and suddenly felt uncomfortable. I didn't know why, but the shotgun made me feel guilty and I thought of Edward. But we hadn't done anything.

"Oh," I said, and he leaned back. We spent the rest of the afternoon with him smoking and me taking sips from the flask and the occasional cigarette. He didn't try to push me into smoking with him again, and by the time we needed to go home, the smell didn't bother me anymore. We were the first back in the parking lot, and I was glad for Alice's chatter for once because I didn't know how I would hide my buzzed state from Mrs. Brandon.

When I got back, Charlie was on patrol. I intercepted the call from school about me missing classes, ordered take-out from the diner (devouring my half well before five. For some reason, I was starving.) I was asleep before Charlie got home.

I dreamed of Edward.

* * *

The rest of the week dragged by. Em and Jas still walked me to class and when it got to be too much, Jas took me to the woods. I didn't smoke pot again, though I did drink some. I tried to ignore the rumors and comments that followed me everywhere I went, but most of the time, I just worried about Edward.

Carlisle and Esme were still firm on their no phone rule. I was driving myself crazy with thoughts of him hurting himself and me not being there to stop it. The weekend was the worst. I denied all of Alice's attempts to schedule a movie binge or a girl's night and instead let myself fester with worry. After that, the monotony of glares and smirks on Monday was almost a relief, but I was buzzing when Tuesday morning rolled around.

I was going to see Edward again, finally. What if he'd decided I wasn't worth the trouble? What if he'd changed his mind and wanted to go back to the variety of hott girls that knew what they were doing? Worst of all, what if he'd hurt himself?

Edward was waiting for me when I got out of Mrs. Brandon's car, faithfully donning his hoodie. He slung his arm over me, as always, and we made our way to English, but we didn't say anything. Right before we reached the door, I pulled him into an alcove between the lockers.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly.

"I'm fine." It was that hated monotone voice again.

"Edward, I'm serious. Tell me."

He just shrugged. "We're going to be late for English."

I let him drag me into class. And though he walked me down the halls like always, it wasn't the same. There were no kisses. No whispered, I love you's. We just walked in absolute silence.

When he tried to walk me into the cafeteria for lunch, I kept going.

"Bella?" he asked. "Where are you--?"

"We need to talk," I said. He followed me across the parking lot to the secluded place in the woods that Jas had shown me before I turned around to face him. We stood there, silently appraising each other, before I stepped up to him and pushed back his sleeve.

It was worse that the first time. While the old cuts had slowly been fading into scars, and even the few new cuts were shallow, these were deep and glaring and recent. A couple even ran shallowly length-wise against his forearms, as though he'd been building the courage to go deeper. To actually sever the arteries that could end his life.

At the sight, my knees gave way beneath me. I sunk into the mossy earth and could already feel the tears brimming over.

"Edward," I choked.

He sank down to his knees in front of me and tried in vain to wipe away my tears.

"Bella, I'm sorry. It was nothing. It didn't mean anything," he whispered, soothingly.

"How can you say that!?" I demanded. I was far past the point of calm. I'd been tearing myself up all week and now, he'd only justified my fears. But I was prepared for this.

I pulled his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans, retrieving the razor blade from the pocket I knew he hid it in. I pushed up my sleeve to bare my own untouched forearm.

"Edward," I said, holding the blade above my skin, holding it under his shocked gaze. "Do you not understand what this does to me? Do you not understand that every time you hurt yourself, you hurt me?"

I looked into his eyes, pleading with him to understand, but he only looked down into his lap.

"I don't deserve you," he said. "You wouldn't be going through this if it weren't for me."

That was it.

I dragged the razor across my skin, without pressure. It was shallow, and at first, the fine edge of the blade was sharp enough that I didn't even really feel it. But as soon as the blood started to well up to the surface, an angry and hurtful crimson, it stung. It burned! I couldn't, for the first time, really _could not_, understand how anyone would do this to themselves.

Edward watched, as though in a trance, but as soon as the blood became visible, he knocked my hand away. The razor, coated in red, fell upon the green moss, and he was suddenly standing over me. I'd never seen him like this before. His eyes were dark, nearly black, and his face was red and the vein in his temple was throbbing.

"What the _fuck_ are you doing?" he roared.

I cringed but then regained my courage. I was going to stand my ground.

"What am _I_ doing? What are you doing? Edward, every time you do this, every _fucking_ time, this is the pain I feel. Do you not _get_ that?"

He glared down at me and for a moment, I thought I'd lost him. I thought I'd pushed him too far. I thought he hated me.

Then he crumbled.

He collapsed into a heap on the ground and I saw his back, that back whose pain I'd first fallen in love with, heave under the weight of his sobs.

Between choked breaths, he managed to get out, "Bella! I'm so sorry--I never meant to--I can't help it and I don't--I don't deserve you. You shouldn't have to got through this."

I'd never seen him like this before. I'd seen him in pain, yes. I knew he was hurting and I'd seen the physical implications of it. But for the first time, he was truly broken.

And it was my fault.

I'd only been trying to break through to him, to show him that this wasn't the answer. But I'd only made it worse.

I scrambled over to him, tried to wrap my arms around his heaving torso, to hold him together as I'd done so many times in the past, but it wasn't working. I'd gone too far, and I knew it. I was so, so wrong.

So I did the only thing I could.

"I love you," I said. "I've always loved you and I always will. And I don't care what they say, you are it for me. Just please. _Please_. Don't hurt yourself anymore. Because it hurts me too."

The last part was barely a whisper. It was a confession. I wasn't able to hold it back anymore. Not for fear of him pushing me away. Not for fear of pushing him over the edge.

He had to know. If it ended happily ever after or if it just fucking ended, he was it.

And my broken boy sobbed in my arms and I held him. And I prayed.

I prayed that it wouldn't be the last time I held him.

I prayed this wasn't the end.

Because this was it.

He was it for me.

* * *

On the walk to English the next day, Edward pulled me into the alcove where the passers-by couldn't see. He reached in his pocket and handed me a ziplock. I held it up to see what was inside. Razor blades. Half a dozen of them.

"What--?" I started.

"That's all of them," he said. "I'm going to stop. Well, I'm going to try because… because no matter how much I need it, I need you more, Bella. I'm sorry."

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him as tightly as I could, burying my face in his chest to try and hold back the tears. He hugged me back, and for the first time, it felt like I was the one that was being held together.

"Carlisle's making me go into therapy," he whispered. "He thinks I need to work on my 'anger issues.'"

"You'll tell them? You'll tell your therapist about this?"

His grip tightened, but after a moment, I felt his head nod against my hair.

"I'll do whatever it takes, Bella. All I want, all I've ever wanted, is for you to be happy. If there's any chance you can be happy with me, I'll take it. But, Bella… if I hurt you again, if it's too much…"

"It won't be," I said. I looked up at him and I felt it. Determination. "I won't let you go, Edward. No matter what."

"I don't deserve you, Bella. But I don't have the strength to stay away anymore."

"We'll get through this," I said. "Together."

* * *

When we entered the cafeteria for lunch that day, all conversation seemed to stop immediately. I couldn't figure out why. I mean, we were just two freshman kids, and sure, one of us had nearly strangled another kid in front of the whole school but… surely they had better things to worry about.

Normally, I would have been paralyzed by the attention, but for once, it was Edward that faltered. I knew I needed to be strong for him, so I wrapped an arm around his waist, held my chin up, and dragged him to the lunch line.

"Are you sure you don't mind being seen with me?" he whispered.

"Are you kidding? All those bitches wish they were the one in my spot." And for the first time in my life, I winked at Edward. It helped that I knew it was true, no matter how much the thought made my blood boil. Edward, _my_ Edward, gave me confidence I'd never had on my own. And I knew he was mine.

I knew the Edward no one else did. I knew the Edward that was more than just the golden boy bad-ass. And if that was all they thought he was, if they thought I was just a poser Miss Perfect, then they didn't know anything.

Edward seemed to calm down once we got to our lunch table. Emmett grabbed him in a man-hug and nearly shouted, "Good to have you back, bro!"

Alice and Ang grinned at him. Even Rose managed a small smile. And Jasper actually stood up and shook hands with him.

I think that was what did it. Jasper had been cool, even cold, towards Edward since we'd started dating. But I knew that Edward secretly looked up to him as the older boy who was good at baseball and well-liked and, if you didn't know better, just as perfect as everyone thought Edward was. I saw him lean in and whisper in Edward's ear, and suddenly, my boy was back. Edward grinned at Jas, one of those real, breathtaking, crooked grins. I didn't know what Jas had said, but I was grateful.

We sat down to eat and it was as if nothing had happened. We gossiped about other people. Jessica had finally conned Mike into going out with her. Tyler had asked Lauren on a date. Rosalie's older brother, Royce, was being investigated on charges of raping one of the diner's regular waitresses, and Rosalie was the last to stand up for him.

She said, without any guile, that he'd always made her uncomfortable. I asked her seriously if she would talk to my dad, who was handling the investigation, and she immediately acquiesced. I saw Emmett wrap a comforting arm around her and knew there was more to the story than she was letting on. I'd always admired Rose's strength, but never more than in that moment.

At one point, I glanced over at Jas and he raised an eyebrow at me. I knew he was asking if I'd told Edward about our lunchtime ritual while he was gone. I shook my head that I had not, but then nodded, trying to subtly communicate that I would. Whatever he understood of the silent exchange seemed to pacify him.

Alice was really the slayer of all awkwardness. She had called it off with Nick after a disastrous third date in which he'd tried to convince her to sleep with him. According to him, it was "the third date rule" stated in Ally McBeal.

"I mean, seriously? Like I would give it up to a guy that watched that show!"

We were all in hysterics, excepting Edward. He was surprisingly serious when he pulled her into a hug.

"Ali, I swear to God, if anyone tries to pull that shit again, let me know… I'll strangle them."

And we were all cracking up again. Even though the joke was funny--wrong, but funny--I knew he meant it. When he kissed her forehead and whispered, "You know you're one of my best friends, right?" I felt my heart melt.

After all of the worrying I'd done about how she would take our relationship or what he really felt when he chose her first, I couldn't help but be glad that the two people I was closest to really did care about each other.

"Like you could stand another week away from Bella!" Alice said and punched his arm. I think only Edward and I were the ones that saw the tears behind her lashes.

When the bell rang, Jasper claimed he had to stop by his locker, obviously trying to give me a chance to talk to Edward. I stopped him right before we reached the door to biology, and he looked at me questioningly.

"I smoked pot," I blurted out.

I saw various emotions warring in his features: confusion, concern, anger. Amusement won out.

"Well now, seems Little Miss Perfect had finally beaten my delinquency," he said.

I rolled my eyes. "You were gone and Jas couldn't deal with Maria and he had some, so…"

"Did something happen?" he asked.

It took me a moment to figure out what he meant. Me and Jasper?

"No," I said, resolutely. "It was just one time, but… well he carries a flask so I did drink some. I know it was a bad idea, but I just needed something…"

"Did you like it?"

I paused. Did I? I remembered my head spinning. At the time, I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or what. But alcohol seemed to be accompanied with a sense of euphoria, and this just made me relax.

"Yeah, I think I did," I hedged.

"Then we'll have to try it together," he said. I really wasn't eager to do it again, just because I'd felt so guilty after. But then, had I felt guilty about the pot… or because Edward wasn't there? I knew he would try it either way, now that I had. And maybe it would be better with him around.

"Let's do it," I said. At the same time, something was screaming inside of me that this was a bad idea. I pushed it aside.

We went into biology and separated after Edward led me to my table. He barely even glanced at Maria, showing his solidarity with Jasper, and in a way, me. Jasper came in a few minutes late, and I recognized his bloodshot eyes for what they really were.

"Did you tell him?" he asked under his voice as Mr. Banner lectured. I nodded.

"He wants to try it. He wasn't mad," I said, equally low. Jasper nodded as if he'd been expecting it.

"Tell me when you two are down. I don't want you messing with laced shit. That ended one of my friends in a coma."

Even though I'd been afraid of pot before, just because Charlie _was_ the Chief of Police, I'd always considered it a relatively harmless drug. Jasper's openness about the consequences scared me a bit.

"But it'll be okay?" I asked. "You won't let that happen to Edward?"

"I wouldn't ever let that happen to you, Bella."

Even though that wasn't the question I'd asked, I knew how serious he was. I trusted Jasper. He'd let the girl that he thought might be the love of his life go, over me. Despite what that might imply, he'd greeted Edward with open arms and he'd comforted and taken care of me while Edward was away. I was reminded of my middle-school impression of him.

We were inside-outsiders. We'd somehow made it into the cool group, and while

Jasper obviously belonged, we were kindred souls in that neither of us understood how we got there. It was why I'd taken the joint when he'd offered it. It was why I'd let the boy I loved far more than my own life experiment with him, even though it scared the shit out of me.

Jasper would never let anything happen to me. And he'd never let anything happen to Edward. Though if that were for their own friendship or for my sake… that remained to be seen.

* * *

**AN: Ok, who's feeling torn between Jasper and Edward? Because I am! Lol, I love both those boys so much.**

**On that note, I thought I'd share a couple of recs for my favorite Jasper-Bella-Edward love triangle stories that I can't get enough of right now...**

**The first is _Disappear Here _by h32mh32m (rich prep school boys, delinquency, and lots of gossip... yum!).**

**The second is _Three's A Crowd_ by Savannah-Vee (not-so-human, sibling rivalry... I haven't seen another one quite like this and it's SO GOOD!).**

**Seriously, check them out! You won't regret it. :)  
**


	11. Chapter Ten

**AN: So… I'm back? Sort of. I know it has been forever and a day since I updated, but I had a lot of things that I needed to take care of. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update this in the future, but I did want you to know that I haven't given up on it. So here goes. **

**(To recap: Edward and Bella have finally started dating, with a lot of backlash from the school. Edward assaulted Mike for talking shit about Bella and got suspended for a week. Jasper took care of Bella in that week… and got her stoned. Edward is back and has asked to try pot with Jasper and Bella. And with that terrible idea….)**

Edward was still grounded, so we had to put off out little "experiment" for two more weekends. At first, I couldn't get the anxious gnawing in my stomach to go away when I thought about it. What if we got caught? What if something went wrong? And even if it went perfectly, it still made me feel guilty. I could barely look Charlie in the eye all week; I couldn't even bring myself to confide in Renee, even though I could tell she sensed something was wrong.

Of course, I'd been confiding in her less and less. I never told her about what happened at the party or about what Edward and I did after. I still hadn't told her about the cutting, and everything between me and Edward just felt private. I certainly couldn't tell her about his fight with Mike… I didn't want her to get the wrong impression, and I couldn't burden her with all the drama at school. But the less I told her, the more I felt our distance grow. Even though I had the "cool" mom, I was learning there were just some things you didn't tell your mother.

So I turned to my friends. As soon as I told Alice about what I was planning with Jasper and Edward, she wanted in. I'd been kind of expecting it, but I was shocked when Jasper told me in Bio the next day that Rose and Emmett wanted to join us also. Finally, I went ahead and invited Ang and Ben, just so they wouldn't feel left out. They didn't seem keen on the idea of drugs being present, but they agreed to come hang out. As everyone got on board, I began to feel less anxious and more excited. By the time Friday finally rolled around, I was almost… giddy.

School had calmed down a bit, but the rumors and snarky remarks were still more frequent than I liked. It was a relief to finally have the weekend, and a chance to hang out with Edward and the crew without the constant attention. Again, there was the carefully calculated web of lies for the parents. Us girls were supposed to be spending the night at Rose's and the guys were to be hanging out at Jaspers. They live on the same block, so we figured we could easily walk over after everyone got there.

Before I could even realize it, the time had come. Rose's parents barely noticed when we left. Things had been so strained at her home with all of the scrutiny surrounding her brother's arrest, and I almost felt bad for taking advantage of their distraction. Almost. I was still pretty sure that something had happened between Rose and Royce, though she never brought it up again after that lunch. I figured she needed the break more than anyone.

We linked arms, giggling as we tripped over each other on the walk the block to Jasper's house.

"Oh my god, quit stumbling. We aren't even fucked up yet," Rose laughed.

"Yet!" Alice squealed, "I am so excited!"

"You guys are nuts," Ang muttered. I squeezed her arm and shot a glance at her to see if she was really ok with all this. She winked back and smiled reassuringly.

We tried to compose ourselves on Jasper's front porch before knocking, but our efforts were in vain. Emmett suddenly threw the door wide and shouted," Are you ladies ready to rock!"

"Oh no," Rose scowled. "No hair metal tonight Em, I mean it." He ignored her admonition completely, sweeping her up into his arms for a loud kiss before ushering us inside.

Edward, Ben, and Jasper were in the kitchen, chatting with Jasper's mom. She was dressed in tight jeans with a black, bedazzled tank top and cowboy boots. I noticed all four of them had beers in their hands and was slightly shocked.

"Tom's a lucky man," Edward was saying to her with that crooked grin he reserved for getting girl's phone numbers… or for getting absences excused by the ladies in the school's front office.

"Well, we'll see how lucky tonight, won't we," she winked back at him.

"Mooom," Jas groaned, banging his head against the kitchen counter.

"Sorry, sweetie," she said, patting the back of his head and not sounding sorry at all. "Girls!" she cried, suddenly noticing us.

Jas's head whipped back up to look at us and grin. "Howdy!"

I laughed and stepped forward, for once feeling like the confident one. Alice, Rose, and Ang hung back, obviously unsure of what to make of the situation, but I recognized a "cool mom" when I saw one.

"Hi Ms. Whitlock, I'm Bella." I stuck out my hand, but she knocked it to the side and gave me a hug.

"Call me Tammy, darling. It's good to meet you." Unexpectedly, I felt a sudden pang of homesickness. There was just something about moms, I decided. Or maybe Tammy just reminded me of Renee too much.

"Tammy, this is Rosalie, Alice, and Angela," Emmett introduced, suddenly acting the gentleman. She hugged each of them in turn, cooing over how pretty we were in her sweet Southern drawl. After the hugs were made, she glanced at the clock on the stove.

"Alright, chickadees, I best be getting to my date. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge," she raised her beer, "and don't wait up!"

"Ew!" Jas called out after her as she laughed on her way out the door. After she left, we all stared at each other for a moment before suddenly erupting into chatter.

"Dude, your mom is a total MILF!" Emmett shouted.

"Fuck you, Em!"

"Oh my god, she is like, So. Cool." Alice squealed. "She's almost cooler than Bella's mom."

"I wonder where she got those boots." Rose murmured. I walked over to Jas and bumped him with my shoulder.

"Cool moms suck sometimes, huh?" I asked him quietly. He looked up at me and smiled a little sadly.

"Yeah," he said shrugging. "But hey, she got us beer. Want one?"

I nodded, and he walked over to the fridge and pulled out four, two in each hand, and opened them on the counter before passing them out to us girls. For some reason, the deft handling of the drinks had me noticing the strong tendons in his forearms. I guiltily made my way over to Edward, wondering if I was getting some sort of fetish, and if so, how sick that made me. Considering the cuts on the arms that circled my waist, I figured it made me pretty fucking sick.

"Hey gorgeous," he smiled at me, giving me a peck on the lips. I grinned broadly at him and took a deep swig of my beer. It instantly helped calm some I the nerves I still felt about our evening plans.

"So, are you guys ready to get stoned or what?" I rolled my eyes at Emmett's enthusiasm.

"If it'll calm you crazy ass down, hells yeah," Jasper quipped. "Let's head down to the basement. Mom gets pissed if the living room smells like weed."

"Wait, your mom knows we're smoking pot?" I asked. The beers were one thing, but that was even too much for Renee to condone.

"Where do you think I learned to roll a joint?" Jas asked over his shoulder as he led us downstairs. I exchanged an incredulous look with Alice, who mouthed again, "So. Fucking. Cool."

Jasper's basement was set up with like a bachelor's dream: pool table, stereo system, flat screen TV, even a pinball machine. I expected the guys to go apeshit, but apparently, they'd been here before. They flopped down onto the couch along the wall without a word. The girls followed suit, Rose sitting on Em's lap while Alice and Angela squeezed into an armchair. I sat down opposite Edward on the other side of the coffee table and Jas sat beside me. He had an altoid's tin full of weed and a pipe already sitting out, a lighter sitting beside it. No one said a word. I looked around, confused, and realized they were all staring at the pipe as Jas packed it meticulously.

I realized they were nervous, and suddenly, my own nerves evaporated. I started to giggle.

"What?" Edward asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"You guys are so _serious_" I said in a mock-whisper. He rolled his eyes.

Jas finished packing the bowl and held it out to me. "Ladies first."

I reached for it and felt everyone's eyes on me as I held it to my lips. I had just enough forethought to pull it away before bursting out laughing. It was just too funny. For once, I was the experienced one, and I suddenly realized why Alice and Edward had so much fun teaching me how to curse.

"Bella, you aren't even stoned yet. What's with the random laughter?" Jasper asked with a bemused smile.

"No reason," I said with a smirk. I put the pipe to my lips again, thumb over the carb like Jas had shown me, and flicked the lighter. Inhaling, I took in the harsh smoke, feeling like it was burning in my lungs. I managed to hold my breath just long enough to pass it back to Jas before blowing it out in a huff and coughing. I felt a little lightheaded but that was it. Everyone was still staring like they expected me to grow a third head, and my coughs quickly turned back into laughter. Jas took a hit now, holding it deep in his lungs as he passed it to Alice.

She took it gingerly, looking almost…nervous? When she held it to her lips and looked at me, I understood.

"Put you thumb over the hole on the side," I said. "Once you light it, lift you thumb and inhale."

"Got it," she said, with a little nod. I noticed Emmett and Rose nodding also.

"You're just a little master at this, aren't you?" Edward suddenly whispered in my ear. I grinned and shook my head. Alice took her hit and managed to hold it longer than I did, though she coughed harder as well. Angela took it and passed it to Edward without partaking, but I had expected that. I watched him quickly take it, doing exactly as I had instructed Alice. It made me smile to see him trying so hard to be nonchalant.

I took another hit after he was done and passed it to Emmett, then he passed to Rose. Surprisingly, when she passed it to Ben, he held it up to his lips too, glancing over at Ang to see that she was cool with it. It was so like them, to be so sweet even while doing something illegal. She shrugged, so he took a hit too, and passed it to Jasper once more. Jas frowned at it, but took a hit anyway, blowing it out almost immediately.

"Yeah, it's cashed," he said. "Should I pack another?"

"Yeah, man, I don't feel anything yet," Edward said.

"Give it time," Jas said, though he started sorting his weed again anyway.

"So," I said, looking at Alice, "how does it feel to know you've officially done drugs?"

Alice giggled, then fake wiped a tear from her eye. "Oh Bella, we've come so far!" I laughed, but she was right. I was glad she and Edward were here. After all, we'd shared so many other firsts together. And though most of those times, they were showing me, it felt good to flip the tables for once.

The pipe made one more round. I still wasn't feeling much, other than that excitement of doing something I shouldn't be. It was a little scary how familiar that feeling was getting. And how much I liked it. Emmett started to slouch back in his chair, saying how relaaaaxed he was, maaan. I snorted at his antics, sure he wasn't feeling it any more than I was.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of the stereo system. Deciding to make Emmett happy, I got up to put on some Bob Marley- which was cliché as hell, but hey, it's for Emmett. Halfway to the stereo though, time seemed to slow down. I felt a little like I was floating, and it took a while for the sensations to catch up with my brain.

_Oh shit, I'm stoned!_ I suddenly thought. For a moment, my mind had been so completely blank, I hadn't remembered what I'd been doing seconds before. I started to giggle. And once I started, I couldn't stop. I collapsed on the floor, realizing everyone was now looking at me like I was being ridiculous. Which I was. Which only made me giggle harder.

Suddenly, Alice joined in. She covered her face with her hands and started rocking back and forth, shaking with laughter.

"Here we go," Edward said, trying to sound sarcastic, but instead sounding like he was preparing for take-off. And that got Emmett started.

If you've never seen a six-foot-two linebacker giggle like a little girl, you're missing out.

Once Emmett started, the gig was up. Now everyone was rolling around, cracking up, even Angela—though I knew that was just because we were acting so strange. Their laughter only made mine better, I was caught up in the swell of pure glee permeating the room.

Eventually, I calmed down enough to crawl—yes, crawl—the rest of the way to the stereo. I hoisted myself up and put on the reggae.

"This is for you Emmett!" I shouted, too loud.

"Oh god," Jasper muttered, coming out of nowhere. "You are totally blitzed."

I nodded eagerly. Oh he seemed to be keeping his cool, but I guessed it was because he was more used to this.

"I—" I started to say, but suddenly my tongue felt like sandpaper. I touched it with my finger, saying "thirsty," or some approximation of it, at the same time.

"Cotton mouth," Jasper nodded sagely, before reaching in his back pocket and pulling out his flask. That beautiful, shiny flask. I grabbed it eagerly and downed half of it before he gripped my arm to stop me.

"Steady there," he said. Suddenly we were _this close_, and I noticed little flecks of gold in his eyes blue eyes, the way they were greener around the iris. They were mesmerizing.

"Pretty," I smiled at him.

"Very," he whispered, stroking a finger down my cheek. It made me buzz even more.

"Hey, Bella!" Rose shouted suddenly, "Don't hog the liquor!"

I would say that broke the moment, but it didn't. Because walking across the room to pass Rose the flask as she reached out from Emmett's lap, that was a moment. Glancing over at Alice stroking Angela's hair with rapture while Ang tried to hide her snickers, that was a moment. Edward watching them while reclining on the couch, that was a moment. Everything around me took on weight and meaning, seemed more significant.

I loved them all so much.

I stumbled my way over to Edward, tripping on the coffee table so I sat on his stomach, knocking the wind out of him. I turned to apologize, but halfway through the turn, noticed my beer and got sidetracked. I chugged the last few gulps, before I felt him chuckling under me. I looked down and poked him on the nose.

"What's funny?"

"You," he said, wrapping his hand around my neck to pull me down for a kiss. I tried to set my beer down on the coffee table as I bent, but pot only heightened my lack of coordination. It clanked on it's side, the sound of glass on glass making everyone look up.

"Sorry!" I said.

"Oh. My. GOD!" Alice squealed in that ear-shattering pitch only she could produce. She slid off the chair and on to the floor, reaching for the beer and holding it over her head triumphantly.

"SPIN THE BOTTLE!" she shrieked.

"Yes!" Emmett whooped. I looked at Rose to see what she thought of that, but she was grinning right along with him. When I glanced at Edward, he had an eyebrow cocked and a smirk on his face. Then I looked at Jasper. He was staring right at me, and something about that stare….

"I'm down," I announced.

"Are you cool with that?" Ben asked Edward, looking a little perturbed.

"Why not?" he shrugged. "I've already kissed half the girls here anyway." Alice and I rolled our eyes.

"Count me out," Angela said instantly, giving Ben a hard look. He got up and took Alice's place on the armchair.

"Me too," he said.

The rest of us were already gathering around the table. Somewhere in my brain, I knew this was stupid. It was kid's stuff. But then, I'd never played before and for some reason, it seemed like fun. Maybe too much fun.

"I'll go first," Rose announced before I had a chance to rethink anything. Not that I was really capable of thinking at all by that point.

Rose spun the bottle and we all watched n trepidation as if slowed to a halt, pointing at…. Alice. I laughed, thinking she would have to spin again, but gulped when she got up and walked around the coffee table to where Alice was sitting. My laughter cut off abruptly and I glanced around the circle to see Alice matching the smirk on Rosalie's face. They boys eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their heads.

Rose placed her hands on the arms of the chair and bent down over Alice, who leaned forward and met her lips. Again, they surprised me. It wasn't a quick peck, but a full on spit-swap. With tongue. Even I was transfixed by the show they were putting on. When Rose finally stood back up, the guys whooped and whistled, earning Ben a smack to the head. I could feel myself blushing, and I glanced over at Edward to catch him smirking at my red face. Busted.

Alice spun next and it landed on Edward. I started giggling, which cut the tension in the room immediately.

"Great, not this again," Alice muttered with a smile. Edward rolled his eyes as they both got up and walked toward each other. Surprisingly, I wasn't jealous. There was something distinctly friendly in the way they both scrunched up their noses and pretended that the thought disgusted them. I knew they were just teasing, but it made me feel better. Their kiss was much quicker, though still more than a peck, and they both wiped the mouths when they backed apart. I laughed as Alice winked at me.

Edward spun the bottle next, and I scooted up on my knees. This time, the bottle landed on Jasper. My breath caught in my throat as Emmett shouted, "No. Way. That is gross."

"Hey," Rose said, "If Alice and I can do it, they can." Jas and Edward looked at each other with trepidation then they both glanced at me. I don't know what they saw on my face, but I knew from their smirks that it wasn't anything good. Edward turned to Jasper and straddled him on the couch, right next to me. Jas laughed and grabbed the back of his head, pulling him down, and I watched as they… they…

Suddenly everyone was laughed, Jas and Edward included.

"Look at Bella's face!" Alice squealed. I blushed harder than I ever had in my life, hiding my face-and my grin-behind my hands. Edward sat back on my other side and whispered in my ear. "So you liked that, huh?"

I was too mortified to respond, but I peeked through my fingers as Jas went to spin the bottle. It made one full rotation and stopped. On me.

Everything slowed. If I'd been sober, I would have checked with Edward. I would have at least tried to be nonchalant about it. But I wasn't sober and when I met Jasper's eyes, the intensity made my heart pound. All I wanted at that moment was to _taste_ him. I got my wish.

He tasted like whiskey, which wasn't surprising. He felt like it. A slow burn started in my chest when he leaned over and me my lips softly, his tongue gently meeting mine and lazily swirling in my mouth. It was so different from the near frantic, rough kisses Edward and I shared. While we tried to devour each other, Jasper and I… savored. I felt a small moan form somewhere deep within me, and the noise jolted me out of my fog. I sat back instantly, remember where I was. _Who_ I was.

The room was deadly silent and I was scared to look at Edward. Then he got up and stormed out of the room. When I looked at Jasper, his lips were set in a hard line. He nodded at me, giving me permission to do what I had to do. I went after Edward.

I found him on the back patio, smoking a cigarette. He didn't turn when I stepped outside.

"Edward?" I whispered, my heart still pounding but for a different reason. When I got no response, I walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. He tensed.

"What, Bella?" His voice was acid. When I didn't respond, he turned to face me. His eyes burned with anger, barely covering the hurt.

"It's just a game," I whispered, but I knew it wasn't going to cut it. He laughed lowly.

"Didn't look like a game," He said. He continued after a moment, "Tell me, Bella. What really happened that week I was out of school."

"Nothing!" I gasped. My head was still foggy, and suddenly I wished I just make it stop. This was turning into a nightmare and I couldn't handle it. "Nothing happened, Edward. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Didn't mean to what?" I didn't know how to answer. Didn't mean to like the kiss. Didn't mean to start liking Jasper.

Because I did. As much as I'd been trying to ignore it, I liked Jasper. And I was sure that he liked me too. But it wasn't the same.

"I love you," I whispered. I meant that. Sure I had a crush, but it wasn't at all like what I felt for Edward. It couldn't be.

Edward sighed and rubbed his hand through his hair. He leaned back, looking up at the sky.

"I love you, Bella. I know I do, but I'm not sure you even know." He paused. "You are so innocent. Maybe you just don't know if you…"

"I _do_ know," I spat, so sick of hearing that word. Hadn't I proved that I wasn't innocent? How long was he going to hold that over my head, when it obviously wasn't true anymore.

"You _think_ you know," he countered. When he looked back down at me, I saw tears glistening in his eyes. "But you just, you've never really been with anyone other than me. Not someone you really liked. How do know this is really what you want?"

"I liked Jake," I said. He laughed.

"You tried to like Jake," he said. And it was true. As much as I liked him, it had never really been the same. Jake was easy, comfortable, but he never made my heart race.

"It doesn't matter!" I shouted. "I know you! I love you! How can you not believe that?"

And then it hit me. He _couldn't_ believe it. No matter how hard I tried to prove him wrong, to show him just how much I loved him, he still couldn't believe he could be loved. He still thought he didn't deserve it.

Now I started tearing up. I grabbed him and shook him. "You stupid, boy, I love you. When are you going to believe that."

He pulled out of my grasp. "I can't, Bella. I don't. And I feel so fucking selfish letting you go on thinking that when maybe… maybe you'd be better off with him."

I felt like I'd been slapped. I was hurt and I was so angry, but I couldn't even find the words to explain why. It was just so… condescending. For him to think that he controlled what I thought, what I felt.

"How dare you," I whispered. He looked startled, surprised at my anger, but I couldn't look at him anymore. I went back in the house and started back down to the basement. The only thought in my mind was that I needed more of Jasper's whiskey, something to calm the fire racing in my brain. Or fuel it.

When I heard the front door slam, I knew Edward had left. But I wasn't chasing after him this time.

**AN: So, should I still try to continue? Is anyone still reading? Are you mad at me? Let me know your thoughts!**


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